Two guys are sitting in a bar when one turns to the other and says “Hey…did you know this is a suicide proof building?”

“Suicide proof building? What the hell are you talking about?”

So the first guy takes him up to the roof and says “Look, I’ll show you.” and he steps off the ledge. The first guy looks on in horror as the smiling man drops down, but at the last minute he’s sucked inside a window.

A few minutes later he’s back on the roof. “See? I told ya! The building design has a special updraft built in. Whenever anyone falls or is pushed or anything, they never even reach the ground!” To show what he means, this time he jumps again, but just to be a wise-bum he does a somersault and a swan dive, but sure enough, he gets sucked into the second story window again.

When the elevator opens up and the guy comes back onto the roof, guy number two says “You were right! that’s amazing. Think of all the accidents this could prevent! This system should be on every building in America!”

“You would think that…but so far this is the only building that has it.”

“Well I just have to try this!”

“Be my guest. You’re as safe as a kitten with it’s mother.”

So the guy steps off, and dozens of people watch in horror as he hits the pavement, falling to his death.

The first guy goes back down to the bar, shaking his head.

“Hey, bartender, gimme another whiskey.”

“You know,” says the bartender, “you’re a real bastard when you’re drunk, Superman.”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

“No… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Time for math jokes!

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An engineer, a biologist, and a mathematician are standing outside of an empty house. They see two people walk in the house, and after some time pbumes, they see three people leave. The engineer says, “Huh, guess I miscounted the people going in”. The Biologist goes, “They must have reproduced”. The mathematician says, ” There are now negative one people in the house.”

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And engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all staying a hotel when a fire bursts out in each of their rooms. The engineer grabs a blanket, throws it on the fire, and stomps the fire out. The physicist comes up with a formula for the growth of the fire and calculates exactly how much water is need to put it out, fill up a bucket to the exact amount, and then puts the fire out. The mathematician walks to the bathroom, turns and the faucet, and declares, “There. I’ve proven that a solution to the problem exists.”

I’ll try again

I

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? ” he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

II

A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, “Ma’am, is there a reason why you’re weaving all over the road?”

The woman replied, “Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”

The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, “Ma’am… that’s your air freshener.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the pbumenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the pbumenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

why do women wear makeup and perfume?

‘cos they’re ugly and they stink.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said “The Gold Dust Twins are coming,” and I had to smile. “Then she moved and sat under a sign that said “Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin. “Then she placed herself under a sign that said “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself. “BUT…when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,” I laughed out loud.”

“Case Dismissed!” said the Judge.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said: ‘In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.’

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. ‘OK,’ said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

‘Six months, and it starts to rain,’ thundered the Lord. ‘You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.’

And six months pbumed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. ‘Noah,’ shouted the Lord, ‘where is my Ark?’ A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

‘Lord, please forgive me!’ begged Noah. ‘I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors sued, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.

Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my bumets claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,’ Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?’ Noah asked, hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord sadly, ‘Government already have.’

A Murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests?” asked the Chaplain.

“Yes,” replied the condemned man. “I’m scared, will you hold my hand?”

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This unlimited entry thing is a bit open to abuse, Isn’t it? I think I’ll stop now.