An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to bumure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But… I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. “Yes, he did.”

“Who was he?” he asks.

The old woman drops her head, trying to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. She gulps down her wine and finally, she says, “You.”

Log in to see images!

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

“When I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said that she couldn’t possibly wear them as they were too large. I said to her, ‘of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.”

Jack took his father’s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said, “I can’t wear these, they’re far too large for me.”

“Exactly,” Jack replied, “I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on, Jack,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

“I can’t get into your knickers,” said Jack.

So Jill replied “Exactly, and if you don’t change your ****ing attitude, you never will!”

I can’t think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

zxcvmnb Posted:

[img=80x80]http://homepages.slingshot.co.nz/~bites/hypnotoad.gif[img]

GIVE ME 1BP LOloLOLoLOLOLOLOlol!!!11one

Man, am I glad you screwed that up, I would have had to give you a BP for an all to welcome Futurama reference.

To late now, though.Log in to see images!

A pikachu walked into a bar and said ow.

coreyjess Posted:

This one’s a winner, because it’s funny and we’ve never heard it before!

Your BP is on the way!

Danke sehr. I appreciate it very much. Can I eats it?

Ok, we’ve read up to this point, and there are still 4 BP to give away!

A lot of good jokes here, but only six, so far, that neither of us had ever heard, and that made us laugh unexpectedly.

A guy’s walking along the beach when he finds a bottle, picks it up, and a genie appears.

The genie says, “Thank you. I’ve been stuck there for centuries. I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you one wish. Anything you want.”

The guy pulls out a map of the Middle East, and he says, “Could you bring peace to this part of the world?”

The genie says, “I’m sorry, that is beyond even my powers. Have you got another wish?”

The guy says, “I’ve been married for 50 years, and just once I’d like my wife to give me a blowjob”

The genie says, “Let me see that map again.”

A man is coming home from a business trip, travelling by train from Charlotte to Philadelphia. He is exhausted, and he would very much like to get a bit of sleep on the way, but the train’s final destination is New York and he doesn’t want to miss his stop.

The man approaches the conductor and explains his situation, asking if it would be too much trouble for the conductor to wake him up when the train reaches Philadelphia. The conductor agrees, and the businessman drifts off to sleep.

He wakes up as the train is coming to a stop. Looking out the window, he realizes that he is not in Philadelphia, but New York. He immediately gets to his feet, walks up the conductor, and punches him in the mouth before storming off of the train.

Another pbumenger stops to help the conductor off the floor before disembarking the train. He asks the conductor, “What did you do to make that guy so mad?”

The conductor, rubbing his jaw, responds, “You think he was mad? You should have seen the guy we threw off in Philadelphia.”

hope i’m the first to post this joke..here i goLog in to see images!

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”