Alright, fine, back to actual jokes.

Heisenberg, Goedel, and Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg says, “From the fact that we are all here I can infer that this is a joke, but cannot determine whether or not the joke is funny.”

Goedel says, “No, we can’t tell if the joke is funny because we’re inside it—if we could observe ourselves from outside, we would know.”

And Chomsky just shakes his head sadly. “No, no,” he says. “The joke is funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

1338h4x Posted:

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

A brilliant joke from the incomparable Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

hey, coreyjess, wat u think of my joke bout the “atheist”?

plz tell me u found it funny lol.

I can’t tell it like they can:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcQ7RkyBoBc

If you laugh, does it count? =)

1338h4x Posted:

A snobbish East Coast English Professor is visiting a colleague at a rural university in the Midwest. The colleague takes him to the local cafe for breakfast and introduces him to a few locals she’s gotten to know over the years, including a farmer.

Farmer: Glad to meet you. Where do you come from?

Professor: Somewhere where we never end a sentence with a preposition.

Farmer: I’m very sorry. Where do you come from, bumhole?

This made me giggle, hurr.

1338h4x Posted:

Oh man I saw pure gold at lunch, I was sitting near this group of black guys at a table and they all had tucked in shirts and ****, looked educated, I think they were studying calculus or something. And across from there, there was another table with a bunch of white guys, all ghetto looking, three of them wore ****ing grills, sagging pants, and one was playing some 50 cent ringtone or some **** going “yeah boiiii!” And one of the black guys in the table next to me muttered “****ing fine upstanding member of societys…” I choked on my ****ing jolt cola.

HOLY ****ING **** THIS IS ABSOLUTE GOOOLD

Good God, your’s keep making me laugh like a ****.

Log in to see images!

Log in to see images!

Log in to see images!

K, here’s another one from me, I’ve got no idea if all the BP have been given out but you’re collecting jokes so I don’t mind giving you one for free.

Log in to see images!

So this guy finds a lamp in the middle of nowhere and gives it a rub, and whaddya know, two blonde genies come out. Of course, they grant him three wishes and disappear.

Next thing he knows he’s in a giant mansion surrounded by beautiful women. He has his way with all of them and then throws on a robe and goes to explore his mansion some more.

As he walks through the halls he looks down and money’s started piling up around his feet and all over the floor.

Suddenly there’s a ring at the doorbell. He answers and two Ku-Klux-Klan members are standing there; they drag him outside, swing a rope around his neck and hang him from the nearest tree.

As they walk off they take their hoods off and it’s the two genies. One turns to the other confused and says “You know I don’t get that third wish. I mean, I understand the mansion full of beautiful women and the money, but why on earth did he want to be hung like a black man?”

A man complained to his friend “My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor.” “Don’t do that,” volunteered his friend “there’s a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment.”

The man figured he had nothing to lose so he took a sample of urine down to the drug store. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited the $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar.

He took this concoction down to the drug store, poured it in the machine, and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead.

Get a filter.

Your dog has worms.

Give him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs.

Get her in rehab.

Your wife is pregnant.

It’s not your baby – get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

Angry hobo Posted:

THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY.

So was that Kirk or Picard on the line?

megademonicraper Posted:

hey, coreyjess, wat u think of my joke bout the “atheist”?

plz tell me u found it funny lol.

that joke wasn’t a joke, it is a common satirical sound bite. I usually end up saying it right around the time some person does something like murder their 3 children, because they heard god tell them to do it.

Fran Posted:

Comment on mine baby jess, I’m back to economics clbum. ~.~

What I’ve been able to translate is chuckle worthy. I’ve never really thought of Brazil as ripe for satire or mockery.

Maybe if they had a bobsled team…

Oh, wait.