I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like,”Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”

A man claims to be an atheist and apparently thinks religion is really stupid and is for uneducated people.

To justify this claim, he says, “Yes I’m an atheist, Thank God I’m an atheist!!”

Moar IRC quotes.

KBC: Recently, my sister had a child. A few months before hand, she had a baby shower. I was invited, because my sister likes getting presents. I got them Hungry Hungry Hippos. The reason for this? My brother-in-law, when young, was a terror, and his mother was an actual single mother. The father left the day of conception.

KBC: One day, his mother got fed up with my brother-in-laws antics, she said ‘That’s it, grab one toy, you’re going to the orphanage!’ So he grabs HHH, they walk around a mall a bit, he’s clutching that thing to him saying ‘I *sob* Don’t *Sob* wanna *sob* go to the orphan*sob*age!’

KBC: And then they go home. But this story isn’t about my brother-in-law, or his mother, or even my nephew, really. It’s about the baby shower, when I went out to buy their gift- Hungry Hungry Hippos.

KBC: I go to Walmart, because it’s the only thing open at the time I went out. I go to the toy section, look at the Lego, crappy excuse for action figures, then grab the game. After that, I start heading for the cash registers.

KBC: On the way towards the cashes, I pbum the pharmacy and realize, ‘Hey, I need condoms.’ Because, well, condoms expire after four years. So, I grab a box of condoms, Tiny Trojans (they invaded in a pony, not a horse) and head to the cashes with my HHH in tow.

KBC: While waiting at the cash, I see their impulse buys. Impulse buy at this cash was gummy bears. This reminded me about a story I heard that eating too many gummy bears can turn your pee black. So I picked up some. For science. (Post-script: It didn’t)

KBC: I’m waiting for the cashier, and there’s two people in front of me. The cashier is this old, 80 or older blue haired bat who likes talking. She rung the items up for the people in front of me and talked to them for a few minutes, despite their wanting to pay and leave. And then I get served.

KBC: She looks at me and smiles, then looks at my items. Then looks at me. And looks at my items. And then just glares at me. I’m standing right in front of her, after a long 12 hour shift, in a trenchcoat, not having shaved for a week. That’s when it hits me, I just won the condom game, where you grab three items, one being condoms, and see if you can get a reaction. You know, coathanger, garbage bags, condoms. Something like that.

KBC: By the way she’s looking at me, she must think I’m a child molester. So I say to her. ‘Oh, uh, I’m new in town…do you know where I can get a white, panelled van?’ And her jaw drops. She scans the items, as she hadn’t yet, as fast as fast can be, I give her the money and she pretty much throws it back at me.

KBC: I thank her for her service, and start to leave the store. Before I leave, I look back, and I see her, on the phone, looks like she’s yelling, using her hand beside her to try and judge height next to her, probably giving my description to someone. And that’s why I’m not allowed at the east end Wal-mart again. END.

Tawnos: xkcd, how drunk are you?

xkcd: Tawnos: on a scale of 1 to abraham lincoln I am yellow

Apparently some museum did a Salvador Dali exhibit a while back. And after it was up for like, a month, it came out that half of the paintings were fakes!
And at first I was all, damn. Shouldn’t someone have caught on to that right away? Then I realized, it wasn’t that big a surprise.
After all, NO ONE INSPECTS THE SPANISH EXPOSITION!

< agilman> Sea cugreat timesbers extract oxygen from water in a pair of ‘lungs’ or respiratory ‘trees’ that branch off the cloaca just inside the bum…

< agilman> so that they ‘breathe’ by drawing water in through the bum and then expelling it

-!- geekable [geekable@hide-9D752E43.hsd1.mi.comcast.net] has joined #xkcd

<%relsqui> so does geekable

< geekable> geekable does what?

<%relsqui> oh nothing.

< geekable> geekable doesn’t do anal, let me tell you right now

<%relsqui> ... that’s … really surprisingly appropriate to context

< agilman> wow

< agilman> yeah, thats 100% appropriate

<~xkcd> root: But I already have the brainware for solving a rubik’s cube without thinking much, it’s just shoe-tying

<~xkcd> in fact, I have conducted experiments wherein —

* xkcd covers shoofles ears

<~xkcd> — I tried solving a rubik’s cube while getting progressively more drunk

<%relsqui> Log in to see images! did you take notes like ‘two shots … 5:25’02’

<~xkcd> yeah, I have a video Log in to see images!

<~xkcd> and I found that even up to the point of near-pbuming-out, the drunkest I’ve ever been/ever plan to be, I could still solve it

<~xkcd> although I had a problem actually finding and picking it up

I’m not posting a joke, but a blog full of jokes:

http://bronzebrasil2008.wordpress.com/

Use a translator or anything. It’s about Brazil’s participation on the Olympics, joking about how they get a lot of Bronze medals. This blog basically cheers at every bronze Brazil gets, and jokes about how the Gold Medal can be worthless.

Bucket is a bot coded by xkcd. With that context in mind, I’m putting all his greatest hits in one post.

– - – - – -

< maLLee> what’s wrong?

< Bucket> You idiots keep programming me to say very special things.

– - – - – -

<waqjan> does Bucket do basic math?

<_LSK_> I don’t know

<_LSK_> bucket, 2^8

<Bucket> 10

<_LSK_> No.

– - – - – -

<HiroP> bucket, OK is <reply>NO IT\’S NOT \YOU GODDAMN HIPPIE!!

<Bucket> OK, HiroP.

<HiroP> bucket, ok?

<Bucket> I cannot access that data, hirop

<HiroP> Jesus ****ing Christ

<Bucket> Jesus ****ing Christ is our lord and ****ing savior.

– - – - – -

* xkcd takes [Bucket] down for now until he can make some adjustments

<%relsqui> I thought he was looking a little pail

– - – - – -

< shoofle> function cannot be executed

< Bucket> function cannot be sexecuted

< shoofle> I know now how I want to die.

– - – - – -

RedOcelot: I don’t have wit but i do have cute pickup lines i came up with Log in to see images!

RedOcelot: For instance

Bucket: I FEEL VIOLATED

– - – - – -

xkcd: Bucket: spoiler?

Bucket: xkcd: I don’t know

xkcd: Bucket: spoiler?

Bucket: xkcd: I cannot access that data

xkcd: BUCKET IS BROKEN

xkcd: Bucket: are you okay?

Bucket: xkcd: That data is not available

xkcd: Bucket: bucket?

Bucket: i am BROKEN

xkcd: hahahahahaha