Catt-although Posted:

A guy’s in a bar when an older guy walks in.

The older guy says to the younger guy, “I ****ed your mother.”

He goes and sits down, and the younger guy keeps drinking.

A few minutes later, the older guy gets up and says, “Your mother sucked my male reproductive organ.”

The bartender can’t believe it doesn’t get a rise out of the younger guy, but he keeps drinking.

A few minutes later the older guy gets up and says, “I ****ed your mother up the bum.”

The younger guy says, “Pop, you’re drunk. Go home.”

This made me giggle stupidly. Log in to see images! InaneAnomaly edited this message on 08/22/2008 4:02PM

A man is walking though the forest late at night. All of the sudden, a grizzly bear leaps from the darkness, roaring ferociously. Falling too the ground, the man absentmindedly shouts, “Oh my God!” Just as soon as the final word leaves his mouth, time stops around him. The man can feel no wind, the forest is silent, the bear is perfectly still, with it’s saliva suspended in mid-air. Then the man hears a booming voice from above.

“ALL OF YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME! AND NOW YOU CHOOSE ONLY IN THIS MOMENT OF LIFE-THREATENING DANGER TO CALL UPON MY NAME? WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?”

The man replies, “I was stupid! But I believe now! Please, I only want to ask you for one thing! Can you make this bear a believer, just as I have? Then I can go home, and this godless beast can be saved!”

“VERY WELL,” booms the voice of God, and the man snaps back in to real time. The bear stops roaring, and begins to kneel upon the ground. The man is confused, but then the bear bows it’s head and puts it’s paws together. The man realizes that the bear is praying, and is relieved that his plea to God had succeeded. Just then, the bear opens it’s mouth to speak:

“Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to recieve…”

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A man is walking down the beach, and something shiny in the sand catches his eye. He goes to dig it up, and realizes that it’s one of those old oil lamps, the kind that genies come out of in all the cartoons. He laughs to himself about finding such a quirky item, and then just to be funny, he gives it a rub. Then, to his surprise, smoke begins to pour from the lamp. The smoke begins to swirl around until soon there is a real, live genie standing in front of him.

“I don’t believe this!” the man says. “Am I really going to get three wishes?”

“Yes,” replies the genie. “But there is a catch! Who is the person that you hate the most?”

“That would be my boss,” answers the man, after a moment of consideration.

“Then for every wish that I grant you, your boss will recieve that same wish twofold!”

“Okay then. That’s not so bad. I’ll take those wishes.” The man thinks for a moment, and then says, “I wish I had a billion dollars.” The genie claps, and there is a flash of light.

“When you return home and go to the bank, you discover that a billion dollar deposit has been made to your account. However, your boss has recieved two billion dollars!”

“Whatever. I wish that I had a sprawling mansion full of beautiful women to fulfill my every need.” The genie claps and once again, there is a flash of light. The genie hands him a peice of paper.

“This paper has your new adress on it. However, you will find that your next-door neighbor is your boss, who now has a mansion twice as big, filled with twice as many women!”

“That’s okay,” says the man. “Now, about that third wish…

I want you to take this peice of driftwood, and beat me half to death.”

numbers1377345 edited this message on 08/22/2008 6:03PM

A man is shopping around a pawn shop and sees a golden statue of a rat. He asks the guy at the counter, “how much is this thing?” The man at the counter replies, “Ah. It’s five dollars for the statue, and one hundred for the story behind it.” The man figures he’ll skip the story and hands over a five. As he’s walking home, he notices rats are coming out from the sewers and following him. Just a few at first, but after a few blocks, the street is filled with the rodents. The man suddenly has a bright idea. He heads to the docks and gets in a boat, and rows out a few yards. The rats follow him into the water and drown. He then heads right back to the store. The man at the counter grins as he walks in, and asks, “Ah, you’ll be wanting to hear that story now, huh?” “Nope,” replies the man, “I was wonder if you had any golden lawyers.”

A blonde and a business man are sitting in a plane. After a while the business man is pretty bored and as he has no employees around to bully around he decides to play a little game with the blonde to embarrbum her. The businessman persuades the blonde to do a little quiz: They would ask each other questions in turns and every time the blonde would not be able to give a correct answer she would have to give the business man $5, and every time the business man was not able to give a correct answer to the blonde, he would have to hand he over €500 ($750).
The business man starts asking the first question: “What is the distance from earth to the moon?”
The blonde has no clue, so she quickly grabs her purse and hands over $5 to the business man.
The business man smiles, puts the money in his pocket and looks forward to once more humiliating the blonde with her own stupidness, and he could even make some profit out of it.
Now it was the blondes turn, she asks: “What climbes up the mountain with two paws/feet and comes back down on three paws/feet?”
The business man looks confused, he didn’t expect such a difficult question to come from a silly blonde. The business man spends the whole night behind his laptop searching the internet for the correct answer.
The next morning the business man decides he has lost and gives the blonde €500 when she wakes up.
after a while the business man is getting nervous about what the answer to the riddle was and right before the plane starts landing he asks the blonde: “so what actually climbs up mountains with two paws/feet and comes back down on three paws/feet?”
The blonde reaches for her purse and hands over another $5 to the business man.
Rastanarcharismarx edited this message on 08/23/2008 8:30AM

Two nuts walk out of a bar
one was a salted
Clarity edited this message on 08/22/2008 11:08PM

CJalt Posted:

What is short, unimpressive, and generally boring to Coreyjess’ wife on a Friday night?

this thread

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Page 17.

An armless legless girl is laying on the beach crying and a man comes up to her and asks “Why are you crying about?” And she answers “I’m crying because I’ve never been kissed.” So he kneels down and kisses her then gets up and starts walking away. Now she’s crying twice as hard, and he comes back and asks “What are you crying about now?” She goes “I’m crying because in my whole life I’ve never been ****ed.” So he picks her up, tosses her into the ocean and yells “You’re ****ed now!”

That one’s by Gilbert Gottfried, and of course it’s funnier if you imagine it being read in his voice.

...Well, pretty much anything’s funnier when read in his voice.
1338h4x edited this message on 08/22/2008 11:33PM

Okay, so I heard this one on the way to a cross-country meet in probably 10th grade. So not only is it a dumb joke, it’s an old joke that I can probably only half remember and am just pretty much making the rest of it up. Anyway:

There’s this town where every year a traveling comedian comes by and puts on a show. And every year it’s pretty much the same show, where for the final act, he picks on the town fool and makes him cry.

So the first time this happened, it went like this: The comedian asked the audience if anyone wanted to volunteer. And the town fool (of course) volunteered. So the comedian asks him, “are you a horse’s head?” And the fool answers, “no.” He asks, “are you a horse’s hoof?” And he says no again. He seems kind of confused. So the comedian says, “well then, you must be a horse’s bum! AHAHAHAHAHA!” And the crowd loves it and goes wild, and this makes the town fool cry.

But the town fool is determined not to be made a fool of again, so he preps himself for the next year and tries to figure out the comedian’s clever trap. So the next year, again he volunteers for the final act, and the comedian asks, “are you a horse’s mouth?” And he thinks and says, “um … no.” He asks, “are you a horse’s tail?” And he thinks some more and says, “well, no.” And right away the comedian says, “well then, you must be a horse’s bum! AHAHAHAHAHA!” The crowd goes even more wild than they did the year before, and the fool cries even more.

So this time, he really wants to get that comedian. He wants to shame him and make him feel like ****. So he goes for a whole year to the School of Snappy Comebacks and practices hundreds of them. He mumbles them in his sleep, he tries them out on strangers, and his teachers are pretty impressed.

So the next year, before the comedian can even get out the whole sentence, “do we have a volunte-”, the fool shoots his hand up so that he can be sure to get up there and show that comedian what he can do. He bounces on his toes like he’s Rocky and waiting for a hit. So the comedian starts in, “Are you a horse’s ear?” and he confidently says, “no!” He asks, “well, are you a horse’s neck?” and he says, “no!” And then the comedian says, “well then, you must be a horse’s bum! AHAH-” and the town fool interrupts with, “wait!” and everybody is silent. And as the hundreds of snappy comebacks rush over him and he struggles to find the right one, he blurts out, “**** YOU, CLOWN! ****. YOU.”

.

THE END

Marie Antoinette Posted:

Okay, so I heard this one on the way to a cross-country meet in probably 10th grade. So not only is it a dumb joke, it’s an old joke that I can probably only half remember and am just pretty much making the rest of it up. Anyway:

There’s this town where every year a traveling comedian comes by and puts on a show. And every year it’s pretty much the same show, where for the final act, he picks on the town fool and makes him cry.

So the first time this happened, it went like this: The comedian asked the audience if anyone wanted to volunteer. And the town fool (of course) volunteered. So the comedian asks him, “are you a horse’s head?” And the fool answers, “no.” He asks, “are you a horse’s hoof?” And he says no again. He seems kind of confused. So the comedian says, “well then, you must be a horse’s bum! AHAHAHAHAHA!” And the crowd loves it and goes wild, and this makes the town fool cry.

But the town fool is determined not to be made a fool of again, so he preps himself for the next year and tries to figure out the comedian’s clever trap. So the next year, again he volunteers for the final act, and the comedian asks, “are you a horse’s mouth?” And he thinks and says, “um … no.” He asks, “are you a horse’s tail?” And he thinks some more and says, “well, no.” And right away the comedian says, “well then, you must be a horse’s bum! AHAHAHAHAHA!” The crowd goes even more wild than they did the year before, and the fool cries even more.

So this time, he really wants to get that comedian. He wants to shame him and make him feel like ****. So he goes for a whole year to the School of Snappy Comebacks and practices hundreds of them. He mumbles them in his sleep, he tries them out on strangers, and his teachers are pretty impressed.

So the next year, before the comedian can even get out the whole sentence, “do we have a volunte-”, the fool shoots his hand up so that he can be sure to get up there and show that comedian what he can do. He bounces on his toes like he’s Rocky and waiting for a hit. So the comedian starts in, “Are you a horse’s ear?” and he confidently says, “no!” He asks, “well, are you a horse’s neck?” and he says, “no!” And then the comedian says, “well then, you must be a horse’s bum! AHAH-” and the town fool interrupts with, “wait!” and everybody is silent. And as the hundreds of snappy comebacks rush over him and he struggles to find the right one, he blurts out, “**** YOU, CLOWN! ****. YOU.”

.

THE END

You told that joke all wrong. You’re missing several dozen pages of his training in the field of Snappy Comebacks, more and more outlandish depictions of the clown’s feared power, and basically-just-making-the-story-last-at-least-15-minutes-before-you-finally-get-to-the-anticlimax.

Two statues are standing in a park, they have been there for years naked staring at eachother. One day God comes down and brings them to life.

“You both may live for 1 hour to do whatever it is you plaese.”

The male statue looks at the female one and asks, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”.

“I sure am.”, she replies with a smile.

With that they run off into the trees nearby. 30 minutes pbum and they both emerge from the wood sweaty, panting, and laughing.

The male statues looks up and asks, “Want to do it again?”.

She looks at him smiles and says, “Sure do, but this time you hold the pidgeons down and I’ll **** on ‘em!”