Having already downed a few drinks, a woman at a bar turned around, faced the guy in front of her, looked him straight in the eye and said, “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding. I’m a lawyer too.”

http://www.forumwarz.com/discussions/view_post/250697

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

The chief then said “All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his bum without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

The second guy answered while still laughing, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples.”

HEYGUSY Posted:

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right ****ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an bum!’ and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘bum’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an bum!’ It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic bum calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an bum!’ and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first bum (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW bum, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is..’ I asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an bum!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two bumes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called bum #1. He said, ‘Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an bum!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’

I said, ‘bum, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, bum,’ and hung up.

Then I called bum No. 2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, bum.’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your bum,’ I answered, ‘Well, bum, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two bumes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

That’s more of a Xanatos Gambit than a joke.

Are either of you blonde?

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

Mr Interweb Posted:

Twas the day of the kings cirgreat timescision, and one of his dukes threw him a ball. Which one? His left one. Round the table sat the count, the discount, and the recount, all flinging camel turd, for in those days bull**** was unheard of. The king stood in this diamond studded jock as David rode in on his seven foot stud and said “ho”. And the king asked, “What ho?” And David said “bumhole” and thus scored two points for the people. “Where is the princess?” asked David. “In bed with diphtheria” responded the king. “Oh, is that damn greek back again?” David was thrown to the lions for his intentions. He managed to sneak up behind on of the burly beasts and grab him. “It tickles” said the lion. “What tickles?” asked David. “Testicles” responded the lion, thus scoring two points for the lions. David was able to escape his brutal fate and approached the king, but while doing so he stepped in camel turd. The turd flew at random. Random ducked, and the turd hit the king square in the face. “****!” shouted the king, and round the kingdom people squatted and groaned for in those days the king’s word was law. “Where is the princess?” Demanded David. “**** the princess!” shouted the king. And ten thousand people were trampled that day for the kings word was law.

I have no idea what the **** this is but it’s utterly ****ing brilliant.

I can’t believe how many of these we know, aren’t there any new jokes in the world, or have all the joke writers died?

coreyjess Posted:

This may not be a joke, but it is very clever writing. Is this pilfered from the net?

First joke I ever wrote, actually. Thought that would have worked. Oh well, at least you enjoyed it Log in to see images!

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, and leaves, laughing all the while. The pharmacist is a bit weirded out by this, but the guy’s not dangerous, and maybe he’s just having a good day.

The next day, the same guy walks in, buys a condom, and leaves, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist begins to wonder what’s so funny about a condom. He tells his clerk to follow that man the next time he leaves the store.

Sure enough, the next day the same man does his routine, except this time the clerk follows him out.

An hour later the clerk returns. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asked the pharmacist.

“Your house,” replied the clerk.

———-

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It wbumsh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “OHHH GOD… they got my girlfriend too!!!”

————-

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s male reproductive organ off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

———————

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is

both male and female.”

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,

“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he

triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”

—————-

Bob the electrician hired a new bumistant, who is picking up the job as he follows his boss around. He is puzzled by Bob’s method of testing for mains voltage. Bob wets his finger, stands on one leg, and touches the wire. One day Bob stayed home and left his bumistant to finish some jobs. Not sure whether the blue wire is live or not, the young apprentice wets his finger, stands on one leg and touches it….

The next day Bob goes to visit his employee in hospital where he is recovering from the shock.

What happened?” asks Bob.

“I was testing for power, just like you do”.

“Did you wet your finger?”

“I did”.

“Did you stand you stand on one leg?”

“I did ”.

“And” asks Bob, “have you got a wooden leg?”

—————-

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

—————-

Two guys in a bar…...... One says

“Did your hear the news – Our mate is dead!”

“My God, what happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“Jaysus, what a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glbum on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this mbumive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“Sweet Jesus, what a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Christ, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the feck did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my fecking house!!!!!!!.”

—————-

More if need be.