A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, and leaves, laughing all the while. The pharmacist is a bit weirded out by this, but the guy’s not dangerous, and maybe he’s just having a good day.

The next day, the same guy walks in, buys a condom, and leaves, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist begins to wonder what’s so funny about a condom. He tells his clerk to follow that man the next time he leaves the store.

Sure enough, the next day the same man does his routine, except this time the clerk follows him out.

An hour later the clerk returns. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asked the pharmacist.

“Your house,” replied the clerk.

———-

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?” “Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies. The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?” “It wbumsh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “OHHH GOD… they got my girlfriend too!!!”

————-

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.” the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets, I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s male reproductive organ off.”

The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”

———————

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is

both male and female.”

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,

“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he

triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”

—————-

Bob the electrician hired a new bumistant, who is picking up the job as he follows his boss around. He is puzzled by Bob’s method of testing for mains voltage. Bob wets his finger, stands on one leg, and touches the wire. One day Bob stayed home and left his bumistant to finish some jobs. Not sure whether the blue wire is live or not, the young apprentice wets his finger, stands on one leg and touches it….

The next day Bob goes to visit his employee in hospital where he is recovering from the shock.

What happened?” asks Bob.

“I was testing for power, just like you do”.

“Did you wet your finger?”

“I did”.

“Did you stand you stand on one leg?”

“I did ”.

“And” asks Bob, “have you got a wooden leg?”

—————-

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

—————-

Two guys in a bar…...... One says

“Did your hear the news – Our mate is dead!”

“My God, what happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“Jaysus, what a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glbum on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this mbumive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“Sweet Jesus, what a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Christ, now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?” “I shot him!” “You shot him? What the feck did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my fecking house!!!!!!!.”

—————-

More if need be.