A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this…when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”

———

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I bumume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

———

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, “Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I’ll be goddamned if I am going to wait my bum on line anymore.” “Please”, says the woman. “I won’t have that kind of language in this bank.” “Well excuse me, but this ****in’ check ain’t drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin’ away about my language.” “Sir, I don’t have to take this abuse” she says. “Well then let’s get the ****in’ manager okay? I mean what kind of **** is this I have to take from you?” The manager is summoned, and says “What seems to be the problem?” The woman says, “This man is using vulgar language and I won’t stand for it.” The man says “Hey alls I’m trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ’s sake is deposit this ****in’ check for 15 million dollars.” The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says “And this ****in’ **** won’t help you?”

———

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Cheech?!”. Well the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for Cheech. The tribe starts screaming CHEECH! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and ****s him in the bum.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Cheech?!”. Well not wanting to die either, he opts for Cheech. The tribe again starts screaming Cheech! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and ****s him in the bum.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Cheech?!”. Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams “DEATH BY CHEECH!”

Log in to see images!

Forgive me, this is juvenile.

————————-

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man pbumes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”

Log in to see images!

(Credit: Collage artist Matthew Rose)

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin says, “Boy its hot in here!”

The other muffin looks at him and says, “Holy ****! A talking muffin!”

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2- 3.’ When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.’

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, ‘How do I stop the medicine from working?’

Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, ‘1-2-3!’

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her clbum that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’

‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

So, a student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the clbum into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’Log in to see images!, because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’Log in to see images!, because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.

The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..

‘Your card! Show him Your card!’

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and damage the status of the family, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying, ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry! I’m dating Susan!’

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbumon your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’