We’re doing drabble now, are we? Well, I feel it’s time to drag out my own author insertion character. I present to you, for the first time, the tragic back story of Captain Amazing.

The Adventure Of The Giraffe

Captain Amazing and Kat were out for a cool Valentine’s walk on a giant mountain of love. As they went, Kat rested her hand on Captain Amazing’s male reproductive organ. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so diabolical, Captain Amazing was filled with horrible dread.

“Do you suppose it’s blasphemous here?” he asked testily.

“You glorious silly,” Kat said, tickling Captain Amazing with her shoe. “It’s completely terrible.”

Just then, a gibbous giraffe leapt out from behind a cake and punched Kat in the arse. “Aaargh!” Kat screamed.

Things looked iridescent. But Captain Amazing, although he was regal, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a parcel and, like a sodomised fish that had **** cakes for breakfast, beat the giraffe seductively until it ran off. “That will teach you to punch innocent people.”

Then he clasped Kat close. Kat was bleeding gaily. “My darling,” Captain Amazing said, and pressed his lips to Kat’s pancreas.

“I love you,” Kat said stupidly, and expired in Captain Amazing’s arms.

Captain Amazing never loved again.

—-

Captain Amazing/Kat/Santa Claus

I Saw Kat Kissing Santa Claus

Captain Amazing woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn’t wait to see his presents. There was one cool box that looked like a cake.

Then Captain Amazing noticed that Kat was out of bed too. She must not have been able to wait for her presents either.

Captain Amazing thought that he would surprise Kat. Maybe even sneak up behind her and punch her on her regal male reproductive organ. That always made Kat diabolical.

Captain Amazing crept erotically down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its terrible lights, and the presents, heaped up gayly, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Kat. Kissing someone.

Captain Amazing was so angry, he picked up a shoe from a table and threw it seductively on a giant mountain of love.

They both looked around.

“Kat, you blasphemous giraffe!” Captain Amazing yelled. “How could you cheat on me with…with…” Captain Amazing looked and then rubbed his arse and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

“Let me explain,” Kat said. “I came down for a glbum of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe.”

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Santa said. “So of course she had to give me a kiss. And what a gibbous kiss it was.”

“Well, I suppose,” Captain Amazing said stupidly. “If he was under the mistletoe.”

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Santa said. “Why don’t you give me a kiss too? Then things will be glorious.”

That seemed reasonable. Captain Amazing went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, like a sodomised fish that had **** cakes for breakfast. He made Captain Amazing’s pancreas feel all iridescent.

“You see?” Kat said testily and Captain Amazing saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody’s presents were late.

—-

Dog247 Posted:

King Krimson and XXXbloodyrists666XXX

by William Shakespeare

Star crossed lovers? Are you insinuating something?

...I admit nothing.

Chapter Ten. Might put Eleven up as well since it’s a short review.

numbers1377345 Posted:

This thread is amazing. I hope someday it can retire to Full of Won.

Yeah, it better.

Guess who’s back, back again. That’s right; it’s Ebony with chapter 17. Joy.

Chapter 17

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage.

I tried to find this quiz, but apparently it doesn’t exist anymore. This is a good thing, by the way.

if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF!

GAH! What the hell? FOOK UF? What?

pz willo isn’t rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

This is your chance, Raven! Gain her trust then strangle her beloved pet dog. That’ll show her!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free.

“Further cementing his status as employee of the year.”

He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual).

way not to stereotype, Ebony. “Oh, he knows some stuff about clothes and makeup, so that must mean he’s gay!” Real nice. Look up the word ‘metrosexual’ sometime. If you even have any dictionaries at your disposal. Which I doubt.

Hargird kept shooting at us to great times back 2 Hogwarts.

No. I see what you want me to do, but I refuse. I like to think of myself above puerile ejaculate jokes.

“WTF Hargrid?” I shouted angrily. “**** off you fjucking bastard.”

As always, Ebony is to the point and eloquent.

Well anyway Willow came.

NO MEANS NO.

Hargird went away angrily.

“Hey **** you look kawaii.” she said.

“Before knocking me over and then giving me a hug.”

“Yah but not as kawaii as you.” I answered sadly cause Willow’s really pretty and everything.

If you define ‘pretty’ as ‘absolutely repulsive.’

She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

In the time it took for Ebony to describe this, I devised a way to end world hunger and solve the obesity pandemic at the same time. G8, eat your warm, fuzzy heart out.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?” she asked.

I’d like to point out that this was the birth of the famous superhero Captain Obvious.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Diabolo.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came.

What is with you people? Can’t you just let it rest? I. AM. NOT. MAKING. A. COME. JOKE.

They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2.

“Ron, I they’re on fire. Maybe we should help.”

“I say let them burn.”

Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said ‘666’ on it.

Please. Just stop. We don’t care what your bastardised version of Ron is wearing. We never did.

He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson.

“Guys! GUYS! I can’t breathe! The make up has clogged my nose! GUYS!

Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower.

The warped tower is located in twisted street, found in messed up city.

B’loody Mart

“For all your haemoglobin related needs. Shop smart! Shop B’loody mart!”

was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires.

THERE’S Neville! I wonder why he’s wearing a spiked dog collar? And bum less leather trousers?

They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now.

The formula for every single character appears to be ‘Parents=Vampires=Dead. Character+Parents=Goff+Satanist+Slitherin+very special name.

He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now.

“After the accident.”

Well anyway we al went 2 Draco’s black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik)

Actually, I don’t ‘geddit’. Mercy-Bens? What’s that got to do with goffs? Someone enlighten me, please.

that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak.

I’m fairly sure that mixing all those together would be lethal. Not that I want to stop them or anything.

Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps.

Irony is a ****, isn’t it?

We soon got there…….I gapsed.

“From sexual pleasure.”

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva!

I was right? OH GOD THIS **** IS CORRUPTING MY MIND.

He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice.

Now, or anytime at all really, is the perfect time for a toilet break.

We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes… Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came.

I hate to admit it, but there seems to be no other reasonable explanation for the word ‘came’ in that sentence. For once, it actually means what your sick minds think it does. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I think ‘Voldemort’, I do not think ‘Fap Fuel’.

It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

If you’re unlucky enough to have remembered a few chapters back, you’ll remember that this was foreshadowed. Yes, this utterly baffling and seemingly spontaneous plot twist was planned. Why Ebony? Why?

“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!”

I view this as a ‘two birds, one stone’ kind of thing. I mean, who’d be dense enough to believe that Voldemort, J.K Rowling’s allegorical Satan, would keep his promises? Well, Ebony, for one. But we already knew that, didn’t we?

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

That sounds like a line from Beatles song gone horribly, horribly wrong. As an aside, what kind of dark lord uses a knife instead of a killing curse? It just isn’t done.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread.

He would use this to beat Voldemort. Who would then kill the old man, because bread is not a valid weapon, even when it’s old and mouldy.

He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!

I see.

After this, I’m afraid the pain will never go away. Well, that, and the cyst that is steadily gnawing away at my earlobe. I have a feeling that the two are directly correlated. I’ll see you for chapter 18, by which time I doubt I’ll even be able to lift my head. Bye!

Okay I’ve given up looking for stuff on fanfiction.net and have instead departed for that dark, sewage encrusted forest of depravity known to all as Adultfanfiction.net

So yeah check back soon as I violate a story about…being violated, yeah I’m not looking forward to it either.

Edit: Okay AFF is on the backburner while I work on subduing my gag reflex instead I will be working on possibly the mother of all Sue stories.

Lupin’s true love

This thing has possibly the most crossovers I have ever seen in a story including: Harry potter, LotR, Xmen, Power rangers (oh lordy), Fantastic 4 and many others.

I’m not making this **** up, I wish I was but there you go. At least unlike Ebony this author can at least spell the more basic words in the English language.

Also don’t think this is a short dip into insanity, oh no, this thing goes on for 50 chapters. So meet me here in a short while to read the first chapter with my comments strewn across the place like so much confetti.

King Krimson Posted:

Oh God No.

Oh God.

Oh God.

I AM The SKA BOSS Posted:

HA! I was correct in my bumumption that she faked her death and is living in Morocco!

This is no time for levity, young lady. The subject in question is a very serious and potentially devastating matter.

Sorry this chapter was so late. I had to recover from the trauma of discovering Ebony was still alive.

So, have any of you seen the new Watchmen trailer? It’s okay, I guess. Better than this, certainly

Chapter 18

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok!

And with that, all hint of drama has been drained from the story.

n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter!

Thanks so much for the… Sewer? I never knew Ebony was a fecalpheliac. Then again, stranger things have happened.

ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

“Dumbledore swore because… Because he was trying to be gofik! Of course! I’m a genius!”

XXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I woke up the next day in my coffin.

“After a night of God knows what. What the hell was in that drink Draco gave me anyway?”

I walked out of it

So it’s a walk-in coffin, is it? As opposed to one you lie down in? So that you can sleep?

and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly.

“My career as a goffick ninja was off to a fantastic start!” Considering all her clothes are black, how does she find them in her cupboard? I sure as hell can’t figure it out.

I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

Nothing new here, move along.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth).

Then DIE already. We get it. You’re goffick, you have no sense of the English language and you hate the land of the living. I’m sure your bestest buddy Beelzebub would be glad to introduce you to the ninth circle of hell.

Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away. We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red.

So the broom looked like one of those liquorice twizzlers you find in sweet shops. Good to know.

There was lace all over it.

I doubt this over-engreat timesbered broom could even be lifted, let alone flown.

Draco had a black MCR boom.

Who, last I checked, were still muggles.

We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)

So it was aggressive, painful and unsatisfying. Ebony and Draco truly are the couple of the century.

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall.

Other locations of interest at Hogwarts include the Corridor of Whisks and the Antechamber of Spatulas.

There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant.

Was the ground bloody and messy? Were the pants dead?

And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.

“WTF!”

Try yelling this in public and not getting strange looks from pbumers by. You’ll find that it’s impossible.

I shouted going to sit next to B’loody Mary and Willow. B’loody Mary was wearing a black leather mini with a Good Chraloote t-shirt, black fishnets and black pointy boots. Willow was wearing a long gothic blak dress with blood red writing that was all lacy and came up to your thighs and black boots and fishnets.

Who wants Ice-Cream! Oh sorry, it appears to have melted. It was fine before I started reading that paragraph.

Vampire, Dracula and Draco came.

I’m ignoring you. Go away. I’m not going to make a joke.

We started to talk about who was sexier, Mikey or Gerard Way or Billie Joe Armstrong. The boys joined in cause they were bi.

Is there one straight student in Hogwarts? One? Evidently not, because heterosexuality isn’t goffick enough.

“Those guys are so ****ing hot.” Navel was saying

Like a guy named bellybumon knows anything.

as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came.

All over the floor? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

He was the same one who had chbumed away Vlodemort yesterday.

Hello Dumbledore. What? Ebony has raped your character? I don’t believe it.

He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

“……………….DUMBLEDORE?1!” we all gasped.

“Ebony? Harry? Ron? Who are you people?”

“WTF?” I shouted angrily. “I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!”

Brilliant as always, Ebony. Dumbledore riding upside down on his broom while yelling obscenities is a truly imposing figure.

“Hello everyone.” he said happily. “As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?”

It’s kind of cool, actually. I especially like the ‘Ebony Must Die’ banner hanging just over the stage.

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn’t believe what a poser he was!1.

Be nice, guys. He’s just a deluded old man trying to fit in. Besides, he saved your life yesterday. Talk about gratitude.

“BTW you can call me Albert.” HE CALLED AS WE LEFT

WHAT’S WRONG WITH USING LOWER CASE LETTERS?

to our clbumes.

“What a ****ing poser!” Draco shouted angrily

You’re one to talk, Mr. I-break-down-and-cry-for-attention.

as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous. I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard)

I’m sure Mr. Way has never emitted blood from his eyes. Then again, he’s never seen this fanfic.

but I didn’t say anything. “I bet he’s havin a mid-life crisis!” Willow shouted.

Inside voices please, people. We don’t want people listening in on your inane conversation, do we?

I was so ****ing angry.

With who? The man who saved your life last chapter? Your emotions, Ebony, are much like your writing style. Unfathomable. And with that, I bid you farewell, at least until the next chapter. Have a good one, everybody! Except for you. You know who you are.

http://www.fanfiction.net/topic/12556/274971/1/

She’s not “illeterate” she’s “Dykselkic” for christs sake people cut her some slack!

Alright seriously these forums of hers are hilarious.

Keep at it Herrick. It’ll all be worth it when people look at the first sentence, dismiss it, and then post ‘TL;DR’. It’s then that you will feel truly appreciated.

Seriously though, I’m looking forward to it. The story in question is an atrocious Mary Sue fic, and should be brought to light.