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"My Immortal", The worst fan fiction ever.
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I’m working on my review on Twila, I’ve made a blog for it, instead of posting it here. It’s an open blog, so anyone can comment. Unfortunately I have to re-write it due to the dogreat timesent being lost when my computer shut down in the storm. :/ |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 12:53PM |
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King Krimson Posted:
Omfg, lmao.
“Come over her and look at this I built it” and Sam kissed him and they started to make out and then Sam got an erection!
“Not now” said Frodo and he showed Sam the time machine. We need to go in the time machine to another time and we can have all sorts of sex with everyone!
Instead, it felt like their male reproductive organes got 1,000,000,000 times bigger! Sadly, they didn’t really.
There was huge jolt and they landed on top of eachother and started making out!
Sam took his male reproductive organ out of his pants and was about to show Frodo that he did |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 1:05PM |
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Fourteen chapters in, and what’s happened? Nothing. At all. Oh, and be warned: this chapter is extremely scray. Chapter 14 AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. Unfortunately, you survived. Here’s a tip for you: it’s down the road, not across the street. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! “Verily, the Lord says: this fanfictioneth breakeths all ten commandments and then someth. Now if only Buddha and Krishna didn’t deemeth the internet to be sacrilegious. Eth.” XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXX WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. One of the things this fic had failed to do so far is mess up my bowel movements, which I took for granted. Way to go Ebony. Way to go We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there. But didn’t you hear Voldemort laughing from here? Oh wait. It’s a trap. Go for it! Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Voldemort killed Cedric. Not Wormtail. Voldemort. Who isn’t here. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Thereby significantly reducing his chances of survival. Let’s look at it this way: It’s either die like a dog here, or live with Ebony for the rest of your life. Which would you choose? Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. This should not be surprising, however, I am still aghast. HIS NAME IS WORMTAIL! ARGH! “Rid my sight you despicable preps!” Wormtail, McGonagall, Dumbledore, they’re all the same. he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun Your shooting at him with a gun and all he says is ‘go away’? I can only bumume that that’s a popgun you have there. Or that wizards are immune to bullets. Either way, it makes Voldemort look like a bit of a pillock. he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. I don’t like where this is going. “EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) This beggars belief. How the hell does Wormtail know who Ebony is? Why does he even bumume that she will even consider doing the dirty in a situation like this? How can he speak so fast? Why didn’t I stop reading this when I had the chance? Damn this fic. Damn it to hell. “Huh?” I asked. “Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Snaketail. “I have a desperate desire to catch every STD ever. Having sex with you would be a mbumive head start!” I started laughing crudely. “Hyuhk Hyuhk Hyuhk!” “What the ****? You torture my bf and then you expect me to **** you? God, you are so ****ed up you ****ing bastard.” There’s that word again. Ebony is the only person I know of who can actually wear it out. I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. What with? Your bare hands? Y/N Y Surprise Surprise! Wormtail falls dead at your feet. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. ‘Geyser’ would be more appropriate. Still, as a simile this actually wasn’t bad. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go outside and take in the washing. The skies have split asunder and it’s raining blood. “Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. “No! it turs oot I rely luv u after all! Y? YYYY! “Snaketail what art thou doing?” called Voldemort. Oh goodie, it’s Shakespeare Voldemort again. Sing us a sonnet! Then…… he started coming! …Shall I? Nah. We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. What? You just rescued Draco, your ‘friend with benefits’ and you’re crying? What’s wrong with you? “What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. At this point I think that Draco is just an animated sex toy. I know we guys can be shallow sometimes, but I seriously doubt that anyone could get in the mood after being brutally tortured. Unless you’re the Marquee de Sade, of course, but he was weird. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) How old are you, Ebony? I doubt you’re even old enough to browse the internet unguarded, if this sentence is any indication. and a really huge you-know-what and everything. “Seriously, that nose was huge.” “Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.” “I’m far too pretty! Everyone likes me! I have parents wealthy enough to send me to Hogwarts! IT’S NOT FAIR!” “Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such ****ing ****s.” answered Draco. What? You’re talking to Ebony, the queen of the ****s. Or has your big thingy clouded your judgement? “Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A ****ING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away. Cry me a river, you worthless ****. You’re probably one of the luckiest people in this whole god-damned fanfiction, and you’re complaining? Christ. I genuinely hate you right now. Let’s see how much more deplorable you can get, shall we? Chapter 15 is next. |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 1:41PM |
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FUNFACT! If you type ‘Worst fanfic ever’ into google, My Immortal is the first thing that comes up! AcePilotF14 edited this message on 07/02/2008 2:34PM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 2:34PM |
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AcePilotF14 Posted:
Its also the 3rd 4th and 5th lol |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 3:14PM |
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LAWL. I just sent her an e-mail. (Chances are it will not be replied to, but who cares.)
Dear Tara,
You’re not fooling anyone; we know it’s you. I’d like to point out some things that haven been irking me since I’ve been introduced to your fan fiction. First off- you state that you are an atheist, but you mention Satan a lot. A true atheist does not believe in any form of higher being, like God, likewise, they do not believe in Satan.
Secondly, not everyone who dislikes your writing are of the “Prep” stereotype. I myself actually fall into the “Ska-Punk” stereotype. Which also reminds me, I’d like to ask if you truly are of the “Gothic” stereotype. You repetitively state you are in your stories—it’s almost as if you are convincing yourself (and us) that you are. One would usually state the fact directly once or twice, and then give little nuances to aid that. Not a paragraph of clothing descriptions. Also, might I ask: Why with all the super long names for your sues?
Thirdly, I must say Spell Check is your friend. If you don not have Spell Check, you can always google the word. Or using Dictionary.com is a feasible choice. Please understand that I’m only trying to help you become a decent, if not a better writer than you are. If you want to follow the path of a gothic novelist, read some Shelley, Poe, and maybe some Lovecraft. Heck, maybe some Stephen King to mix it up.You still have along ways to go, but with practice, better grammar, and maybe an original story, you might be well on your way to be a gothic novelist.
Sincerely yours, [The Ska Boss]
I AM The SKA BOSS edited this message on 07/02/2008 3:31PM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 3:29PM |
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I AM The SKA BOSS Posted:
Sorry to hear that. I’ve been looking forward to reading your “reviews.” Let us know when it’s finished and posted.
Also, I may be willing to
Oh, and King, keep up the great work. Wonderful stuff, and a very entertaining trend you’ve (unintentionally?) started. spam_bandit edited this message on 07/02/2008 4:09PM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 4:06PM |
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What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
You know we’re gonna have to find a website or something to host all these, right? I truly believe they should reach a wider audience. Or am I just being narcissistic? |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 4:25PM |
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King Krimson Posted:
http://theskaalor.blogspot.com/
Here’s where I’ve got mine. I AM The SKA BOSS edited this message on 07/02/2008 4:30PM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 4:30PM |
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Chapter 15. that’s fifteen chapters of Ebony I went through unaided. Every time I open up word I think to myself: “Why am I doing this? I could just stop. Turn off the computer and go outside.” But I know that won’t make the pain go away. The only way I can rid myself of this is to read to its conclusion. By knowing Ebony’s fate I can be at peace. It reminds me, in a way, of how I felt about the Harry Potter series. But while that series filled me with joy and happiness, this one leads me only into sorrow and despair. Something tells me that I will never recover. But I can try. Here is Chapter 15, in all its unholy glory. Chapter 15 AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! Flame away people! Flame away! Maybe we can finally be free of this nightmare! XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX “Ebony Ebony!” shouted Draco sadly. “No, please, come back!” “My you-know-what craves the taste of flesh! Boy, I have some ****ing bizarre fetishes.” But I was too mad. I think that’s the fifth time she’s used this sentence. It never fails to fill me with irrational anger. “Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!” Potter, of course, would have none of it. “I’ve told you once before Draco! I do not find your you-know-what arousing! In fact, I struggle to comprehend what it actually is! I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. Colour coded keys actually seem like a good idea. White means the bathroom, green means the back door, and black means the cellar, where the abomination is kept. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. Marilyn Manson IS NOT SEXY. His face alone fills me with horror and disgust. I dread to think what the rest of him looks like. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Did you know rabbits have to eat their own poo to survive? For some reason, this sentence reminded me of this fact. I wonder why? Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology clbum. Knowing Ebony, the dissection subject is likely to be Neville Longbottom. Which begs the question, how has this school survived all this time? I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. Stop it. Please. Just stop it. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. that’s not biology. That’s not even approaching any scientific subject. It’s just stupid. Stupid as hell. See what I did there? Hell! Because Ebony should go there! And rot! Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! Tell me how this makes any god-damn sense. I dare you. “Enoby I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those ****er preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. That’s the reason she ran off in the first place. If you want to win her heart, that’s probably not the way to go about it. Tell her she’s ugly. When I do it, it sends the girls wild. Wild with rage, mind you, but that’s neither here nor there. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna ****ing be with you. I ****ing love you!.” You’re using that word way, way too much. In situations like this, swearing doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look immature. Not that you needed any help with that. Then……………. he started to sing “Da Chronicles of Life and Death” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) I can’t help but feel for Good Charlotte. There is a certain group of people who, from now on, will forever bumociate them with Ebony. That’s just something no one deserves. right in front of the entire clbum! His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson “Who let the cat in? It sounds really ill. Someone should euthanize it, it’s the only way to be kind to this poor creature.” (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . I would dearly love to, but my task is not yet finished. “OMFG.” Omelette man flies gaily? What? I said after he was finished. Some ****ing preps stared at us “Who let these jokers into our biology clbum? What the hell are they doing? Is that my cauldron?” but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco’s now) How is that possible? It’s not, at least not without rendering your fingers forever unusable. at them. “I love you!” I’m sure that love is an emotion that you will never know, what with it being the antithesis to your existence. I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat ****) We know. You’ve told us. Several times. and CMM in a Cinderella Story. Then we went away holding hands. Loopin I thought he was incarcerated for being a paedophile? Why are you letting him wander around the school unaided? Ebony has committed worse continuity crimes, I suppose, so this one was to be expected. shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. “No ticket needed! Just show up! Why would an immensely popular band like us have people who want to attend our concerts? As if!” We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. And don’t come back. I suppose you must though, cause chapter 16 is next. King Krimson edited this message on 07/03/2008 5:27AM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 6:03PM |
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Suggestion: While reviewing this PATHETIC HUMANS work, i would suggest skipping the clothing parts.INClT-BOT 5000 edited this message on 07/02/2008 6:28PM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 6:27PM |
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Hmm, well I still have those 2 HM suggestions I could rip apart.
Alternatively if anyone wants to suggest a random ****ty Japanimae I’ll do my best to find the worst case of writing on it and proceed to textually mutilate it |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 6:39PM |
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INClT-BOT 5000 Posted:
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 6:44PM |
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I’ll help you with Chapter 16, if you want to take a break. If I read 1984 while doing it, the order and totalitarianism of the book might help me balance out the pure evil. AcePilotF14 edited this message on 07/02/2008 10:12PM |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 10:11PM |
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King Krimson Posted: Couldn’t stop laughing after this part. |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 10:27PM |
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King Krimson Posted:
Agreed. It’s best to keep everything in its original form. |
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| Posted On: 07/02/2008 11:56PM |
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I would love to point out to her that Hogwarts students are supposed to wear their uniforms at all times unless they are on holiday, going off campus, or finished with their clbumword. Nobody would get to go to biology in a bunch of clothes she bought at Torrid *Because I don’t think she’s quite skinny enough for Hot Topic…*
But, um, that’d make me geekier than her, in some ways, so I’ll keep my trap shut. |
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| Posted On: 07/03/2008 1:03AM |
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Uniforms at all times? Since they really don’t care about kids slitting there wrists, and few teachers plotting the students demise… it’s not high the priority list. |
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| Posted On: 07/03/2008 1:44AM |
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AcePilotF14 Posted:
Thanks for the offer of help, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline.
My Immortal is just too horrible to force onto someone else.
That said, there are plenty of other terrible fanfictions out there. If you start here you’ll be able to find a travesty in minutes. King Krimson edited this message on 07/03/2008 5:45AM |
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| Posted On: 07/03/2008 5:44AM |
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King Krimson Posted:
id love to have a shot at this one..
i’ll see what other people come up with first.. before i post
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| Posted On: 07/03/2008 7:55AM |
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