Fourteen chapters in, and what’s happened? Nothing. At all. Oh, and be warned: this chapter is extremely scray.

Chapter 14

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists.

Unfortunately, you survived. Here’s a tip for you: it’s down the road, not across the street.

PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

“Verily, the Lord says: this fanfictioneth breakeths all ten commandments and then someth. Now if only Buddha and Krishna didn’t deemeth the internet to be sacrilegious. Eth.”

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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

One of the things this fic had failed to do so far is mess up my bowel movements, which I took for granted. Way to go Ebony. Way to go

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn’t there.

But didn’t you hear Voldemort laughing from here? Oh wait. It’s a trap. Go for it!

Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was.

Voldemort killed Cedric. Not Wormtail. Voldemort. Who isn’t here.

Draco was there crying tears of blood.

Thereby significantly reducing his chances of survival. Let’s look at it this way: It’s either die like a dog here, or live with Ebony for the rest of your life. Which would you choose?

Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

This should not be surprising, however, I am still aghast. HIS NAME IS WORMTAIL! ARGH!

“Rid my sight you despicable preps!”

Wormtail, McGonagall, Dumbledore, they’re all the same.

he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun

Your shooting at him with a gun and all he says is ‘go away’? I can only bumume that that’s a popgun you have there. Or that wizards are immune to bullets. Either way, it makes Voldemort look like a bit of a pillock.

he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes.

I don’t like where this is going.

“EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme.” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

This beggars belief. How the hell does Wormtail know who Ebony is? Why does he even bumume that she will even consider doing the dirty in a situation like this? How can he speak so fast? Why didn’t I stop reading this when I had the chance? Damn this fic. Damn it to hell.

“Huh?” I asked.

“Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Snaketail.

“I have a desperate desire to catch every STD ever. Having sex with you would be a mbumive head start!”

I started laughing crudely.

“Hyuhk Hyuhk Hyuhk!”

“What the ****? You torture my bf and then you expect me to **** you? God, you are so ****ed up you ****ing bastard.”

There’s that word again. Ebony is the only person I know of who can actually wear it out.

I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart.

What with? Your bare hands? Y/N

Y

Surprise Surprise! Wormtail falls dead at your feet.

Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

‘Geyser’ would be more appropriate. Still, as a simile this actually wasn’t bad. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go outside and take in the washing. The skies have split asunder and it’s raining blood.

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“No! it turs oot I rely luv u after all! Y? YYYY!

“Snaketail what art thou doing?” called Voldemort.

Oh goodie, it’s Shakespeare Voldemort again. Sing us a sonnet!

Then…… he started coming!

…Shall I? Nah.

We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

What? You just rescued Draco, your ‘friend with benefits’ and you’re crying? What’s wrong with you?

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw.

At this point I think that Draco is just an animated sex toy. I know we guys can be shallow sometimes, but I seriously doubt that anyone could get in the mood after being brutally tortured. Unless you’re the Marquee de Sade, of course, but he was weird.

He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah)

How old are you, Ebony? I doubt you’re even old enough to browse the internet unguarded, if this sentence is any indication.

and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“Seriously, that nose was huge.”

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”

“I’m far too pretty! Everyone likes me! I have parents wealthy enough to send me to Hogwarts! IT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such ****ing ****s.” answered Draco.

What? You’re talking to Ebony, the queen of the ****s. Or has your big thingy clouded your judgement?

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A ****ING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.

Cry me a river, you worthless ****. You’re probably one of the luckiest people in this whole god-damned fanfiction, and you’re complaining? Christ. I genuinely hate you right now. Let’s see how much more deplorable you can get, shall we? Chapter 15 is next.