Guess who’s back, back again. That’s right; it’s Ebony with chapter 17. Joy.

Chapter 17

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage.

I tried to find this quiz, but apparently it doesn’t exist anymore. This is a good thing, by the way.

if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF!

GAH! What the hell? FOOK UF? What?

pz willo isn’t rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

This is your chance, Raven! Gain her trust then strangle her beloved pet dog. That’ll show her!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free.

“Further cementing his status as employee of the year.”

He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual).

way not to stereotype, Ebony. “Oh, he knows some stuff about clothes and makeup, so that must mean he’s gay!” Real nice. Look up the word ‘metrosexual’ sometime. If you even have any dictionaries at your disposal. Which I doubt.

Hargird kept shooting at us to great times back 2 Hogwarts.

No. I see what you want me to do, but I refuse. I like to think of myself above puerile ejaculate jokes.

“WTF Hargrid?” I shouted angrily. “**** off you fjucking bastard.”

As always, Ebony is to the point and eloquent.

Well anyway Willow came.

NO MEANS NO.

Hargird went away angrily.

“Hey **** you look kawaii.” she said.

“Before knocking me over and then giving me a hug.”

“Yah but not as kawaii as you.” I answered sadly cause Willow’s really pretty and everything.

If you define ‘pretty’ as ‘absolutely repulsive.’

She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

In the time it took for Ebony to describe this, I devised a way to end world hunger and solve the obesity pandemic at the same time. G8, eat your warm, fuzzy heart out.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?” she asked.

I’d like to point out that this was the birth of the famous superhero Captain Obvious.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with Diabolo.” she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came.

What is with you people? Can’t you just let it rest? I. AM. NOT. MAKING. A. COME. JOKE.

They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2.

“Ron, I they’re on fire. Maybe we should help.”

“I say let them burn.”

Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said ‘666’ on it.

Please. Just stop. We don’t care what your bastardised version of Ron is wearing. We never did.

He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson.

“Guys! GUYS! I can’t breathe! The make up has clogged my nose! GUYS!

Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower.

The warped tower is located in twisted street, found in messed up city.

B’loody Mart

“For all your haemoglobin related needs. Shop smart! Shop B’loody mart!”

was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires.

THERE’S Neville! I wonder why he’s wearing a spiked dog collar? And bum less leather trousers?

They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now.

The formula for every single character appears to be ‘Parents=Vampires=Dead. Character+Parents=Goff+Satanist+Slitherin+very special name.

He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now.

“After the accident.”

Well anyway we al went 2 Draco’s black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik)

Actually, I don’t ‘geddit’. Mercy-Bens? What’s that got to do with goffs? Someone enlighten me, please.

that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak.

I’m fairly sure that mixing all those together would be lethal. Not that I want to stop them or anything.

Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps.

Irony is a ****, isn’t it?

We soon got there…….I gapsed.

“From sexual pleasure.”

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva!

I was right? OH GOD THIS **** IS CORRUPTING MY MIND.

He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice.

Now, or anytime at all really, is the perfect time for a toilet break.

We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz. Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes… Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came.

I hate to admit it, but there seems to be no other reasonable explanation for the word ‘came’ in that sentence. For once, it actually means what your sick minds think it does. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I think ‘Voldemort’, I do not think ‘Fap Fuel’.

It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

If you’re unlucky enough to have remembered a few chapters back, you’ll remember that this was foreshadowed. Yes, this utterly baffling and seemingly spontaneous plot twist was planned. Why Ebony? Why?

“U moronic idiots!” he shooted angstily. “Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Draco!”

I view this as a ‘two birds, one stone’ kind of thing. I mean, who’d be dense enough to believe that Voldemort, J.K Rowling’s allegorical Satan, would keep his promises? Well, Ebony, for one. But we already knew that, didn’t we?

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

That sounds like a line from Beatles song gone horribly, horribly wrong. As an aside, what kind of dark lord uses a knife instead of a killing curse? It just isn’t done.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread.

He would use this to beat Voldemort. Who would then kill the old man, because bread is not a valid weapon, even when it’s old and mouldy.

He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!

I see.

After this, I’m afraid the pain will never go away. Well, that, and the cyst that is steadily gnawing away at my earlobe. I have a feeling that the two are directly correlated. I’ll see you for chapter 18, by which time I doubt I’ll even be able to lift my head. Bye!