One day a Catholic a Baptist and a Methodist decided to go fishing.

They got in there boat and pushed there way over to the middle of the lake.

The Catholic Said, ’’I forgot my hat” so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Baptist said, ” I forgot the fishing bait” so he got up, got out of the boat and walked across the water.

He came back and the Methodist said, ” I forgot the beer” so he got up, got out of the boat he was standing in the water then he sank.

About that time the Baptist said, “Do you think it’s time to tell him were the stepping stones are?

This one’s pretty tame, and lots of people have probably heard it, but I’ll post it anyway because I like it.

There was a couple who went to church every Sunday, and every Sunday, without fail, the husband fell asleep during the sermon. The wife was embarrbumed by this, and went to the preacher for help.

“I have a plan,” the preacher said. “Take this pin. Next Sunday I’ll give you a signal — I’ll raise my arms in the air — and when I do that, you prick your husband with that pin.”

So the next Sunday came, and the husband drifted off. The preacher noticed, and prepared to give the signal. “And who is it, who fills our lives with meaning and forgives us our trespbumes in His infinite mercy?” He raised his arms, and the woman pricked her husband.

“GOD!” he yelled. The congregation murmured agreement.

But pretty soon he fell asleep again, and the preacher noticed, so he prepared to signal. “And who was it God sent to die for all our sins?” He raised his arms, and the wife pricked her husband again.

“JESUS!” he yelled, and a few “Hallelujah”s came from the congregation.

Now at this point, the preacher really started getting into his sermon, really selling it, and didn’t notice the man had fallen asleep yet again. “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his hundredth son?” He raised his arms…

The man jumped out of his seat, livid, and turned on his wife. “So help me, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll break it in half and shove it up your bum!”

And the congregation said, “Amen.”

Two hydrogen atoms are walking together.

One says, “Woah, I just lost an electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?”

He replies, “I’m positive.”

A New York City lawyer decided to go duck hunting in West Virginia. He bought a blind, set it up on a hunting plot he had rented, and waited. After a few hours, he finally spotted a mallard flying overhead, took aim, and fired. He kept an eye on the duck as it fell, and went to collect his prize.

The lawyer walked through the field, pbuming over a barbed-wire fence as he did, and finally found his duck. As he bent down to collect it, he heard the unmistakable sound of a gun being male reproductive organed. The lawyer slowly turned and found himself looking down the barrel of a large shotgun, being held by a small, wrinkled man in threadbare overalls and an even worse for wear straw hat.

For a moment, the pair simply looked at each other, and then the lawyer hesitantly said “Sir, I’m sorry if I offended you, I am just trying to collect the duck I shot.” The old man spit on the ground and simply said, “My land. My duck.” The lawyer argued, saying “I shot this duck from a piece of land I legally rented. The fact the duck had the misfortune to fall on your side of the fence is irrelevant. It was my shot, from my rented land, and it is my duck.” The old man spit again and repeated, “My land. My duck.”

The lawyer, realizing that his vast courtroom experience was not going to help with such a simple man, relented and asked “Sir, what may I do to get this duck from you?” The old man grinned, exposing a mouth only half-filled with yellowed teeth, and said ”’round here, we don’t agree, we use the three-kick rule. I kick you three times, you kick me three times, we keep goin’ ‘til one gives. I give, you get yer damn duck.” The lawyer looked at the old man, who was clearly not in the best of shape, and decided this was an arrangement to his advantage. “Sure thing, sir. I’ll do your three-kick rule.”

The lawyer had barely finished his sentence when the old man’s first kick hit him squarely in the jaw, sending him sprawling. The old man moved with surprising speed, taking advantage of an opening and kicking straight into the lawyer’s crotch. As the lawyer doubled over in pain, tears streaming down his cheeks, the third kick landed against his lower back, sending shooting pains all along his spine.

The lawyer lay there for a moment, in the worst pain of his life, but his anger was stronger than the pain, and he slowly stood, glaring at the grinning old man. The lawyer tightened his hands into fists, his eyes filled with fire, and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”

The old man laughed and began walking away, calling over his shoulder, “Nah. You can have the duck.”

A rich millionaire decides to throw a mbumive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my cars, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, “Why don’t we start with the name of the guy that pushed me in!”

I know this is not clean, but posting anyway.

There once were two priests, father male reproductive organ and father Ray.

One day after a very long mbum, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father male reproductive organ “I have extra soap in my room, I’ll go get some”.

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn’t bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his male reproductive organ.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said “Oh look, a soap dispencer”, wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his male reproductive organ, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says “Yes it’s true, it is a soap dispencer”.

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his male reproductive organ.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his male reproductive organ for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals “Oh! Look, handcream!”

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Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

“Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?” Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty! !” Exclaimed Katie.

“Correct.” Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up “Who created Heaven and Earth?” Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil “Jesus Christ almighty!” she exclaims.

“Correct again.” Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil again, and screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!”

Tongue twister

I’m not a pheasant plucker,

I’m a pheasant pluckers son.

And I’m only plucking pleasants

‘till the pheasant plucker comes.