NotJoePesci Posted:

You know whats p. awesome? Not trolling my ****ing contest, you **** heads.

This contest is a joke!

(None of my posts are meant to troll. I hope Im not that painfuly unfunny.)

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

..

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc ?”

..

The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season.”

..

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

..

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as

if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

..

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

“Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”

Sneaky27 Posted:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

..

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,’Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc ?”

..

The doctor considered his question for a minute and

then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter

and never misses a season.”

..

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”

“As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.

..

He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as

if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

..

Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,

“Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else

pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”

ROFLTMFOAOFA

Sorry.. that made me laugh my bum off. Seriously.

I dont understand the parrot joke..

Hmm. I really cant think of a good joke…

Doomkiller edited this message on 02/17/2009 9:00PM

Two friends were sharing a window-side booth in a coffee shop across the street from a bordello. In the window directly facing them was a prostitute displaying her wares. Neither friend could quite see what it was the woman was using to cover her wares. One friend argued that it was a silk scarf, while the other argued that it was a pair of satin panties. After about twenty minutes of arguing one of the friends finally decided to go and ask. When he returned he was ghost white and completely silent. When asked what the answer to their argument was he could only shake his head and rock gently back and forth. Overtaken with curiosity the other friend made his way to the woman and asked her himself. He, also, returned silent and pale as death.

Her answer whether she used a silk scarf or satin panties for decency? Neither, she was covered by flies.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry about that. I haven’t told that joke in ten years, and now I remember why.

Doomkiller Posted:

ROFLTMFOAOFA

Sorry.. that made me laugh my bum off. Seriously.


I dont understand the parrot joke..


Hmm. I really cant think of a good joke…

Yeah, I laughed pretty hard when I first read it. I get the weirdest stuff in my inbox.

The parrot joke explained The parrot was placed in the freezer briefly as a punishment for it’s behavior. Once it saw there was a frozen turkey in the freezer, too, it took the action as a warning, mafia style, of what would happen to birds that don’t behave. Thus the radical change in attitude towards it’s owner, with the question being the punchline.

I have been thoroughly entertained by a good number of these entries, tbh. As for cleanliness, I’d say just use your better judgment as to what’s unlikely to offend anyone. The rule isn’t because I’m easily offended, but for the sake of adding a bit of challenge to this contest. It’s obvious that everyone here can be crude with little to no effort. I’d like to see the other side of things.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender looks at him and says “you know you have a steering wheel down your pants.” The pirate looks at him and replies “Arrrrrrrr tis driving me nuts!”

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange cirgreat timesstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the guy dig. I had him buried upside down.”

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”

She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?”

“I sure did, ” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

Sneaky27 Posted:

Anything I post cross the line? I’ll be happy to edit them away if they have. I thought they were pretty tame, especially for this site, but I’m probably not be the best judge of what’s offensive. I’ve got some racist jokes that are hilarious, one funnier now than January 1st, but felt they weren’t in the spirit of this contest more than they weren’t ‘clean’.

Oh no. You can feel free to post jokes as filthy as you want, they just won’t win, is all.