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|Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)|
Now Bill worked with Jamie in the office and he really really really wanted to **** her but he never said anything because she had a boyfriend. Well, one day he couldn’t take it anymore, Jamie was bringing dogreat timesents into his office and he said “Jamie, if I give you $100 will you let me **** you? In fact, I’ll be quick, I’ll be done before you even pick up the money.” She thought about it for a moment then decided to call her boyfriend to find out what she should do. He said to make it $200 and pick it up really fast, he won’t even get a chance to get his pants off and that she should call him back to let him know what happened.
30 minutes go by and no call, after 45 minutes he calls her back to find out what was going on, she answered, breathing heavily and moaning “It was all in quarters!”
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 5:21AM||View Big Boys Do Cry's Profile | #|
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
also, that story was so cool, however it was a horrid joke as no one waits 5 hours to hear a switchback pun.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 5:25AM||View Enshoku's Profile | #|
I’ve always been afraid of death, but now I think I’ve come to accept it. Whatever happens, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, rather than screaming in terror like the pbumengers of his bus.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 6:27AM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?
– One, but it takes three episodes.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 6:57AM||View FigureWithMeat19...'s Profile | #|
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my god!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh…...equipment?”.
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??,” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she’s fainted !!
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 7:07AM||View lesterdfunct's Profile | #|
Your Momma is so fat she has to order her clothes online from those internet companies that sell clothes for women with larger frames. Oh imagine all the money she wastes in postage when normal sized people just go to the shops and buy their clothes. Man I really feel sorry for your mom, being that overweight isn’t good for her health either. She should consider a healthy eating plan and regular exercise.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 7:45AM||View my_mother's Profile | #|
So i went to my usual mbumage place down tha bottom of my street last night and was getting the usual full body mbumage, so i’m laying naked on my back she was doing this really nice inner thigh mbumage, and each time she’d go round in circles she’d rub my one of my balls with the out side of her finger (probably on purpose) so i’m laying there trying hard not to get an erection but before i knew it, there’s two meters of male reproductive organ stuck up in tha air… but i thought it doesn’t mater she probably see’s it all tha time (obviously not so large though) then next thing i know she’s holding on to it with one hand and giving me a blow job, i was like what tha **** but it felt so amazing, then i stopped her and said do i have to pay for this? and she said no, then went over to the table and got some oil and slipped her clothes off, she then poured it all over my body and laid naked on top of me, she started moving up and down rubbing the oil into my skin with her boobies and body, each time i cold feel her woman's genitals touching my male reproductive organ, then boom… my male reproductive organ went inside her it was so incredible then the next half an hour was one of tha most amazing 30 minutes of ****ing i’ve ever had.
but the problem is i have a missus and felt guilty so went to my fokes house and told them what happened i was looking very nervous then my mom got scared, she said “you’re moving with your auntie and uncle in bel-air.” i whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said “fresh” and it had dice in the mirror. if anything i could say that this cab was rare but I thought “nah, forget it, yo homes, to bel-air!” i pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabby, “yo homes, smell ya later!” i looked at my kingdom, i was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of bel-air.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 7:53AM||View bLAcKOuT's Profile | #|
If this guy doesn’t get BP your wife is a whore.
That or I have a very special sense of humor, whichever.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 8:02AM||View Lord Shplane's Profile | #|
Welcome To Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, “As punishment for your sins in life you must spend the rest of eternity in one of the three rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want.”
The man opens the first door and is hit by a blast wave of intense heat. Inside people are shoveling never ending piles of coal into the great furnaces of hell. The heat is excruciating and he can see that the people inside are covered in burns and charred flesh. Unable to stand the heat any longer the man firmly closes the door, confident that the other doors had to be better than that.
He opens the second door, and is immediately accosted by the tumultuous screams and wailing of the damed. He is almost afraid to look, but knowing that the rest of his eternity depended on it he looked inside. He saw endless rows of people strapped to various devices each with demonic attendants using countless tools of torture on their charges. Everywhere there was flesh being torn open, bones broken, and limbs being dismembered. But however much damage was done the wounds would heal so that they can once again be torn asunder. Sick to his stomach, the man slams the door shut and turns to face the third and final door.
Preparing himself for the worst, he opens the final door and peers inside. After the horrors of the previous rooms he can barely believe what he sees. Inside are people standing around, chatting, drinking coffee and eating pastries and just generally looking like a typical office party. The only glaring problem was that the room was roughly knee high full of ****.
“Hmmm,” says the man, “that looks bad, but it’s better than the other two. I’ll take the third door.” Satan smiles and shows him in, saying “You have made a fine choice, and I think this room will suit you well.” Satan introduces him to his fellow sinners and then leaves and the door disappears in a poof of burnt brimstone.
Ten minutes later Satan makes an announcement over the PA system, “Alright, this century’s coffee break is over, everyone back on your heads!”
(Author Unknown) Log in to see images!
I do not have a solid citation for this one, there are many variants of the joke around the internet if you search for “back on your heads”. I have retold it here as I first heard it, but could not find this version for citation.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 9:25AM||View Eglath's Profile | #|
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his pbumengers.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 10:07AM||View FTH's Profile | #|
Scientists were intrigued and excited by a new type of avian, the Square Bird. This strange creature was completely square, lived on a square island with square trees, square coconuts, everything was square because if the bird ever saw anything round, it would drop dead instantly.
So the scientists set out to catch the square bird, traveling in a square boat over the square waves, leaving a square wake. When they reached the island, they donned special square clothes, entered their square jeep with square wheels which went BUMPITY BUMPITY BUMPITY, and began their search for the square bird.
When they found the square bird, they fired a square net out of a square gun mounted on the back of the square jeep, then placed the bird into a square cage with square bars. They got back into the square jeep and traveled back to the square boat (BUMPITY BUMPITY BUMPITY), loading the square cage containing the square bird into a square holding pen.
Back on the mainland, a special presentation in which the square bird would be shown to the public was organized. All those participating had to wear square clothes, sitting in square seats in a square theater. The square cage containing the square bird (blocked with a square cloth) was placed on the stage, and the announcer said: “Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you, the square bird!” Upon which the square cloth was lifted off the square cage, and the public in their square clothes, sitting in their square seats in the square theater gasped in amazement at the square bird.
There was a round of applause and the bird dropped dead.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 12:18PM||View Something_Witty's Profile | #|
A guy goes to a mbumage parlour, somewhere in Asia. After he gets thoroughly aroused during the mbumage, the attractive Asian lady asks ‘You like happy finish now?’
‘You bet’ says the guy.
The lady leaves the room and the guy waits expectantly.
20 minutes later, she puts her head around the door and says ‘You finish yet?’200KillerWasps edited this message on 08/20/2008 1:46PM
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 1:33PM||View 200KillerWasps's Profile | #|
An old story from the heyday of exploration….
As Captain Cook was sailing around the South Pacific, he encountered a hitherto-unknown atoll. The islands were beautiful, as is typical of the region. However, they also seemed to be completely uninhabited. No human or animal life of any kind could be found.
Cook & his crew spent a few days mapping the atoll. During sunset on the third day, they heard a strange sound echoing over the water: “FOO!” Now a long sea voyage can do strange things to a man’s mind, so Captain Cook thought he might have imagined the sound. But then it came again: “FOO!” Now the Captain became suspicious, and he asked his crew if they were playing tricks on him. To a man, they all protested their innocence. Again came the cry: “FOO!”
Now Captain Cook spotted the source of the bizarre call. There was a large and ungainly bird flying toward them over the waves. Closer examination through his spyglbum brought the realization that this bird was one that had never been recorded before. A new species! Quickly, Captain Cook bumigned one of his men to sketch the bird as it flew toward them, and another to take notes about it, but he reserved the privilege of naming the bird for himself. After a moment’s thought — and a few more cries of “FOO!” — there was only one name that could be appropriate: the Foo Bird.
By this time, the Foo Bird was coming close to Cook’s ship. The Captain decided to exercise his flair for the dramatic, so he waited until the bird was nearly over top of them. Then he raised a hand into the air and proclaimed, “Behold the Foo!” As fate would have it, the Foo Bird chose that moment to let loose with a prodigious amount of diarrhea all over the First Mate….
Now the excrement of the Foo Bird was especially rank, much more so than that of any other animal. With gasps of dismay and barely-suppressed nausea, the sailors rushed to clean off the poor soiled Mate. Yet the very foulness of the Foo Bird’s faeces had already penetrated into the victim’s skin. When the waste was cleared away, and the tainted skin was exposed to the air, the shock caused the Mate to drop dead on the spot.
Thus the saying: If the Foo ****s, wear it!
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 4:12PM||View xXxCandiGirlxXx's Profile | #|
Sorry, I did this first.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 4:43PM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello.’ I politely said, ‘This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear ‘Get the right ****ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an bum!’ and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ‘bum’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, ‘You’re an bum!’ It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic bum calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an bum!’ and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale ’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first bum (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW bum, too. I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’ He said, ‘Yes, it is..’ I asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.’ I asked, ‘What’s your name?’ He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’ He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.’ I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’ He said, ‘Yes?’ I said, ‘Don, you’re an bum!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two bumes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called bum #1. He said, ‘Hello.’ I said, ‘You’re an bum!’ (But I didn’t hang up.) He asked, ‘Are you still there?’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’ I said, ‘Make me.’ He asked, ‘Who are you?’ I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’ He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘bum, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.’ He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’ I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, bum,’ and hung up.
Then I called bum No. 2. He said, ‘Hello?’ I said, ‘Hello, bum.’ He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’ I said, ‘You’ll what?’ He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your bum,’ I answered, ‘Well, bum, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fair fax , and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax I got there just in time to watch two bumes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 5:14PM||View HEYGUSY's Profile | #|
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 5:18PM||View ReelBigDucks's Profile | #|
I have a bit of a long one, but I like it, so **** YOU if you don’t. Log in to see images!
Right, so three guys walk into a bar and sit down to have a drink. They’re all looking pretty down so the barman asks what’s wrong and they all answer “woman trouble”. He gives them all a little advice, he says ”When you go home tonight, do exactly what your wife tells you to do, and everything should turn out fine.”
Log in to see images!
So, the next day the first guy comes in all bloody and bruised and ****, and sits down. Of course, the barman asks what happened, and he answers, ”Well, I was taking the bin out and accidentally knocked it over; my wife comes out and says ‘Why don’t you just wake up the whole neighbourhood?’ – so I did.”
Before the barman can say anything though, the second guy from the night before comes in, burned horribly. He sits down and asks for a drink, and of course, once again, the barman asks what happened. He says, ”Well, I was doing the ironing and set my shirt alight, so my wife says ‘Why don’t you just burn the house down?’ – so I did.”
Finally the third guy walks in, looking perfectly fine, but he slams a big lump of meat down on the bar. The barman asks what the hell it is, and he answers, ”Well, I was making love to my wife last night and she told me to cut it out – so I did!”
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 5:29PM||View InaneAnomaly's Profile | #|
Because we’re going to start judging what we have so far in a couple of hours.
Some of these, so far, are great!
Let’s keep it going!
Log in to see images!
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 5:50PM||View CoreyJess's Profile | #|
Doesn’t anyone have a good joke?
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 6:48PM||View CoreyJess's Profile | #|
Descartes is sitting in a bar. Bartender asks him if he’d like a drink. Descartes says “I think not” and vanishes in a puff of logic.
|Posted On: 08/20/2008 6:52PM||View MC Banhammer's Profile | #|