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Contest Funniest joke wins 1 BP (Up to 10 BP)

Candy Corn

Avatar: The Pusher's Avatar
24

[And The Banned Pla-
yed On
]

Level 35 Troll

“Problem Child IV”

q: what do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

a: the 2005 national hide-n-seek champion.

MC Banhammer

Avatar: 1887 2011-07-31 00:40:59 -0400
36

[Good Omens]

Level 69 Troll

Trying to create drama to drum up the ratings by any means necessary!

What do you call 1000 lawyers jumping off a cliff?

A good start.

wasted space

Avatar: Middle Finger

Level 7 Troll

“Jerk Chicken”

Ok, so these two married women are walking home from a hen night when they both realise they need a crap. There are no public toilets near by and all of the restaurants are closed. They are near a graveyard and decide to do their business in there. The first women simply discards here knickers, but the second is wearing fancy Ann Summers stuff, so the decides to wipe her arse with a memorial ribbon instead.

The next day the husbands of these women are having a talk. The first man says “We have got to stop these hen nights, my wife came home last night with no pants.” The second man said “That’s nothing, my wife came home with a ribbon in her arse that said “From all the lad at the police station, we will never forget you”“

CoreyJess

Avatar: 2355 2015-02-10 15:56:06 -0500
24

[Brainfreeze]

Level 69 Troll

Pie cannot hide overwhelming naughtiness!

200KillerWasps Posted:

A little girl lived next door to a vacant lot where a house was being built. Every day she would go and chat to the builders as they worked. Eventually, the builders looked on her as a sort of mascot, so they gave her a little construction helmet and at the end of the week they gave her a little pay packet with five dollars in it.

The little girls Mother said, ‘We’ll take it to the bank and open a savings account’. When they got to the bank, the little girl went to the teller and asked to open an account and her Mother explained how the little girl earned the money.

‘Well’, said the bank teller, ‘you earned this money building a house, did you’?

‘Yes’ said the little girl.

‘Will you still be building houses next week’ asked the teller?

The little girl replied ‘I will if those woman's genitalss at the hardware centre ever deliver the ****ing bricks’

This one’s a winner! Thank you, we both got a good laugh at this one. Your BP is on the way.

CoreyJess

Avatar: 2355 2015-02-10 15:56:06 -0500
24

[Brainfreeze]

Level 69 Troll

Pie cannot hide overwhelming naughtiness!

Charles Norris Posted:

A young boy was on a plane with his mother. As they waited to taxi tot he runway, he saw all the large planes, and a confused look crossed his face. He turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, if big dogs, have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

His mother turned a bewildered look on him, and needing to pbum the buck, she answered, flustered, “Well son, I think you should ask the flight attendant. She knows everything about planes.”

So the young boy, walks up to the attendant, and poses the question to her as well.

The flight attendant smiles huge, and answers cheerily, “The reason there are no baby planes is because this airline always pulls out on time. Now have your mother explain that to you.

Log in to see images!

This is a great joke, definitely a winner. You’ll have your BP in a couple of minutes.

As a guy who flys alot, this is one I’ll remember.

Psychotic Ve-
ngeance

Avatar: Psychotic Vengeance's Avatar
48

[The Scrotal Safety-
Commission
]

Level 69 Camwhore

“Venereal Biohazard”

Three guys are sitting together at a local the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third keeps quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked.

“She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

CoreyJess

Avatar: 2355 2015-02-10 15:56:06 -0500
24

[Brainfreeze]

Level 69 Troll

Pie cannot hide overwhelming naughtiness!

lesterdfunct Posted:

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to….”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

“Oh my god!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh…...equipment?”.

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod??,” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she’s fainted !!

Oh, that’s definitely a winner!

Enjoy your brownie.

Monah

Avatar: Rocker Chick
3

Level 10 Camwhore

“Leave it to Cleavage”

Mickey Mouse is in court suing for divorce from Minnie Mouse. The judge says, “I’m sorry Mr. Mouse, I can’t grant you a divorce just because your wife is a little silly.” Mickey replies, “I didn’t say she was ‘a little silly.’ I said she was ****ING GOOFY!”

CoreyJess

Avatar: 2355 2015-02-10 15:56:06 -0500
24

[Brainfreeze]

Level 69 Troll

Pie cannot hide overwhelming naughtiness!

Lord Shplane Posted:

If this guy doesn’t get BP your wife is a whore.

That or I have a very special sense of humor, whichever.

He won, so neither is true!

...I hope…

Log in to see images!

Big Boys Do -
Cry

Avatar: nny_ix's Avatar
10

Level 38 Emo Kid

lol mancards

An airplane is having engine difficulty, it is able to land but some people will need to be sent off the plane with a parachute and the airlines best wishes. The pilot decides the only fair way to do this is to send people off in alphabetical order, first he says “Are there any African Americans on the plane?” no one raises their hand “Ok, are there any black people on the plane?” Again no one raises their hand, the the pilot asks “Are there any colored people on the plane” and again no one raises their hands. There’s a black family sitting in the back of the plane and the son asks his father “Daddy, aren’t we all three of those things, African American, Black and colored?” the father answers “Yes son but today we’re N*****s, we’ll let the Mexicans go first.

Lord Shplane

Avatar: 49819 Fri Dec 05 01:45:00 -0500 2008
25

[Forumwarz Speakeasy]

Level 69 Troll

:)

So hey, could I maybe put a joke in hilarious image form or somesuch? I probably won’t, but I’m sort of wondering.

Jakerson

Avatar: Ron Paul

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some ****in’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast.”

CoreyJess

Avatar: 2355 2015-02-10 15:56:06 -0500
24

[Brainfreeze]

Level 69 Troll

Pie cannot hide overwhelming naughtiness!

Lord Shplane Posted:

So hey, could I maybe put a joke in hilarious image form or somesuch? I probably won’t, but I’m sort of wondering.

If the context is still a joke, I don’t see why not.

We’re looking for jokes you could remember and tell to someone else.

So whatever applies is eligible.

omega_hobo

Avatar: Deformed Child
3

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

They all agree, and then the third guy says, “That’s nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can’t believe she’s screwing a horse.”

1338h4x

Avatar: 22473 Sat Nov 29 21:01:08 -0500 2008
5

[Crotch Zombie]

Level 35 Troll

7 Vibrating Doldoes was never a meme

A snobbish East Coast English Professor is visiting a colleague at a rural university in the Midwest. The colleague takes him to the local cafe for breakfast and introduces him to a few locals she’s gotten to know over the years, including a farmer.

Farmer: Glad to meet you. Where do you come from?

Professor: Somewhere where we never end a sentence with a preposition.

Farmer: I’m very sorry. Where do you come from, bumhole?

lesterdfunct

Avatar: Emo Kid Thinking
2

[70 Character Story-
tellers
]

Level 10 Emo Kid

“Gloomy Gus”

coreyjess Posted:

Oh, that’s definitely a winner!

Enjoy your brownie.

Thanks a lot, glad you liked it. My first ever brownie point, yee-haw!

omega_hobo

Avatar: Deformed Child
3

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

A teacher asks her clbum, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

CoreyJess

Avatar: 2355 2015-02-10 15:56:06 -0500
24

[Brainfreeze]

Level 69 Troll

Pie cannot hide overwhelming naughtiness!

OK, all the funny ones before this post either won, or we’ve heard before.

But I’ve got 6 more BP to give away!

So keep ‘em coming!

200KillerWas-
ps

Avatar: 28280 Fri Dec 12 03:48:27 -0500 2008
11

Level 37 Troll

Don't caek me bro!

coreyjess Posted:

This one’s a winner! Thank you, we both got a good laugh at this one. Your BP is on the way.

Thanks for the BP! My first win in any contest.

omega_hobo

Avatar: Deformed Child
3

Level 10 Troll

“Pain in the ASCII”

Last joke for the night, don’t wanna constantly annoy the **** out of you Log in to see images!

While a nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

“How did that happen?” asked the doctor.

“I think she choked to death,” said the husband.

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