An old story from the heyday of exploration….

As Captain Cook was sailing around the South Pacific, he encountered a hitherto-unknown atoll. The islands were beautiful, as is typical of the region. However, they also seemed to be completely uninhabited. No human or animal life of any kind could be found.

Cook & his crew spent a few days mapping the atoll. During sunset on the third day, they heard a strange sound echoing over the water: “FOO!” Now a long sea voyage can do strange things to a man’s mind, so Captain Cook thought he might have imagined the sound. But then it came again: “FOO!” Now the Captain became suspicious, and he asked his crew if they were playing tricks on him. To a man, they all protested their innocence. Again came the cry: “FOO!”

Now Captain Cook spotted the source of the bizarre call. There was a large and ungainly bird flying toward them over the waves. Closer examination through his spyglbum brought the realization that this bird was one that had never been recorded before. A new species! Quickly, Captain Cook bumigned one of his men to sketch the bird as it flew toward them, and another to take notes about it, but he reserved the privilege of naming the bird for himself. After a moment’s thought — and a few more cries of “FOO!” — there was only one name that could be appropriate: the Foo Bird.

By this time, the Foo Bird was coming close to Cook’s ship. The Captain decided to exercise his flair for the dramatic, so he waited until the bird was nearly over top of them. Then he raised a hand into the air and proclaimed, “Behold the Foo!” As fate would have it, the Foo Bird chose that moment to let loose with a prodigious amount of diarrhea all over the First Mate….

Now the excrement of the Foo Bird was especially rank, much more so than that of any other animal. With gasps of dismay and barely-suppressed nausea, the sailors rushed to clean off the poor soiled Mate. Yet the very foulness of the Foo Bird’s faeces had already penetrated into the victim’s skin. When the waste was cleared away, and the tainted skin was exposed to the air, the shock caused the Mate to drop dead on the spot.

Thus the saying: If the Foo ****s, wear it!