Please I beg of you keep doing this! Not only is the orginal story funny as hell, but your commentary makes it hilarious! Please update as this does.

Since most of you seem to be enjoying this, I have a proposition for you. I have a story here, written by someone that (if you have been following this thread) you know quite well. I think this story needs taking down a peg, especially since the author thinks that it could be expanded to make a :gasp: novel. Unfortunately, I am in no position to add witty commentary to this one. Have you guessed why? That’s right. Its because I’M the author. What I propose is this; you, yes you, get to deface one of my own personal short stories. The author of the one I deem funniest gets to choose another fanfiction for me to savage. This does not mean I’m done with My Immortal. Far from it. It’s just that I feel like a change, and I feel like the audience is entitled to a little compensation for reading this far.

The competition is open from now until I post chapter 10. If there are no takers, I’ll just continue with My Immortal. Happy critiquing!

Story text here, so don’t confuse it with ‘My Immortal’. It may be bad, but not that bad. I would put it in spoiler tags, but I don’t know how.Log in to see images! HALP.

You there. Yes you, with the robe pulled up to your face. Come here. I heard you’ve been asking about me. The mysterious man with no name. Everyone in this bar has a story to tell. Why are you so interested in mine? I see. ‘I seem familiar’. You sure you want to hear my story? It’s not pretty. You won’t like the ending. Okay then. For as long as I can remember, I had two friends in my village. One boy and one girl. We would play outside when it wasn’t so dark, when the danger was lowest. We would make believe that we were Vampire Hunters, slaying the great menace that stalks our lands. We would alternate between hunter and hunted, good and evil. I see a glint of recognition in your eyes. Maybe you used to do the same? Anyway, the deep friendship I felt about my lady companion eventually grew to something more. I never spoke of it though. In the end, it was too late. My other companion evidently felt the same way about her as I did, and so he proposed. She agreed, and inside my heart was broken. I still loved her, even though she was now never to be mine. Do not think I ever tried acting on my feelings, as some are wont to do. I am, after all, a gentleman. Some years pbumed, and eventually, the vampire threat selected our village. Our children were stolen in the night, and our women were defiled. Many brave men tried to fight back, and after a while they pin-pointed the source of the attacks. Of course, they all perished in the counter-attacks, rest their souls. All that was left of them in the morning was their severed heads pinned to their homes. Each one of them had the most terrifying expression, locked in place for the rest of eternity. BY this time my friends and I had become vampire slayers. We were away purifying a nest of the foul creatures when our kinsmen fought back, so don’t think for one second that we sat back while our friends and family were slaughtered. When we heard of the atrocity, we immediately set out to combat the demonic foe. While the villagers had pitchforks and torches, we had holy water and sharpened stakes. Due to our experience, I thought they would fall easily. I had no idea at the time that this was to be the worst night of my life. It started routinely enough. We came across a few of the abhorrent creatures sleeping just inside the wood. We slew them where they slept. As we went deeper, however, I started to become uneasy. Why weren’t we meeting more resistance? I know now, of course, but at the time I had absolute trust in my ‘friend’. They attacked all at once. Two of us tried to fight them off, but he just stood there. Watched as she was pinned down. Watched as his wife was ravaged. Watched as the woman I loved was torn apart. I lived that day. But at the same time, I died. I couldn’t find his body, but I did bury all that I could find of my love. I know what happened now. Later on, there were talks of a ‘Vampire King’. One that is human, but consorts with the night. He sold his soul for power. I sold mine for revenge. That’s why I came here. I heard that the King had set his sights on this village. I would find him, and exact my vengeance. And now, finally, I find you. You bastard. It may have been one- hundred years since I last saw you, but don’t think I could forget the person who tore my world apart. Don’t move. Not that you could, anyway. I’ve learned a few new tricks since that night. I am going to make you suffer, as she suffered. Each day you will beg for a death that cannot be granted. And I’m not going anywhere either. I’m marked too. The mark of Cain. Eternal life, and for you, my friend; eternal pain.

Copyright 2008 King Krimson. Please don’t try to pbum this work off as your own, as that would be illegal. Have fun!

Damn, this is good comedy.

Waiting for the next chapters Log in to see images!

The next chapter is one of the best I’ve read please do that one quickly.

King Krimson Posted:

Don’t worry, I’m never gonna let you down.

Are you gonna give him up, let him go, run around and desert him?

Possibly the greatest read ever.

And now, the chapter that needs no introduction.

Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

That explains an awful lot. But why write a Harry Potter fanfiction if you haven’t read the source material? Maybe to molest a wider audience, I don’t know.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

You know, I missed that part in the movie where Dumbledore develops tourettes syndrome. Maybe it’s in the directors cut edition?

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

I have a headache every single day of my life, and you don’t see me swearing randomly. Now it’s time for the rest of the story, you repulsive **** guzzlers.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!

...No. Just no.

MCR ROX!

I don’t know or care who MCR are, but if Ebony likes them, all of their past accomplishments go straight out the window.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad.

I was mad and sad, because Draco was bad, I wasn’t glad, because Draco’s a cad.

I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

I find it hard to believe she found the exact same tree that had the misfortune of witnessing their disgusting debacle firsthand. On a separate note, since Ebony’s a vampire, was it necrophilia? I think it may have been. Yet another taboo broken.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything

‘Everything’ being an incredibly large thingy.

started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)

if you don’t want us to know it’s Voldemort yet, THEN DON’T TELL US IT’S VOLDEMORT.

and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

‘Voldemort isn’t gothic’. Yeah, pull the other one, miss ‘I-haven’t-read-the-books-but-I-have-watched-the-movies-honest.’

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

Okay, she’s got me. Being placed under the Imperius curse allows the caster to control the victim, so it’s feasible that it could stop her moving. Ebony 1, King Krimson 375.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him.

‘Meow?’ No, not you. She meant ‘Crucio’, though how she got a torture curse and a cat mixed up is anyone’s guess. Maybe she’s violently allergic to felines? To every reader with a cat: expect instructions soon.

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

Unfortunately for you, Ebony, readers of this fanfiction will not be so merciful when your identify is revealed to them.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

Why is Voldemort encouraging a barely competent teenager to kill his arch enemy? I guess he must be really desperate. Also, check out ‘ye olde time’ speech. I’m guessing that if Ebony had any sense of rhythm, Voldemort would be speaking in iambic pentameter as well.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

Mr. Radcliffe, if you’re reading this, run. Regardless of how many people have lusted after your broomstick, you don’t want the admirations of Ebony. It would be like the movie ‘Misery’, only a whole lot creepier.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Ebony suddenly realises what everyone has been telling her all along. Now that we have established that Ebony is an idiot, maybe the author will show mercy and bring in the giant spiders.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Oh, okay. Wait, what? A GUN? She’s a witch! If she can perform the Cruciatus curse, that she can surely kill people with magic!

“No! Please!” I begged.

Seeing as he’s given you a gun, which can apparently kill wizards, just shoot him. Or are you choosing to keep him immortal, while simultaneously rendering all other characters unrecognisable? However hard I try, I cannot find a single shred of logic in this entire story.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-very special look on his face.

As always, Voldemort hits the nail on the head.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

Awesome. If it were in any other story, that is.

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I think Voldemort may be my favourite character so far. Of course, that’s like saying that I prefer malaria to meningitis.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Bad Draco! What have I told you about using a condom?

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)

**** you.

between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Ebony, Master of the Redundant.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“I’m sure it was just a coincidence we both got exactly the same test results.”

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Careful, you’ll trip and fall! Actually, scratch that. Knock yourselves out. Literally.

So, chapter 10 is next. That, uh, that competition is still open, you know. Just throwing it out there. Isn’t there a fanfiction you really, really hate? One you want savaged? Since no one has actually entered, even someone typing ‘LOL’ all over my story would win. Don’t do that though. Not that. I might get depressed. And then I won’t write any more. Sigh. See you next time, I guess. Or not. I don’t really care either way. (Seriously though the compo… You don’t care, do you? Ah well. It was worth a shot. See you next time!)

So telekensis = psychic.

King Krimson Posted:

So, chapter 10 is next. That, uh, that competition is still open, you know. Just throwing it out there. Isn’t there a fanfiction you really, really hate? One you want savaged? Since no one has actually entered, even someone typing ‘LOL’ all over my story would win. Don’t do that though. Not that. I might get depressed. And then I won’t write any more. Sigh. See you next time, I guess. Or not. I don’t really care either way. (Seriously though the compo… You don’t care, do you? Ah well. It was worth a shot. See you next time!)

For all the hilarity your ripping on this fanfic has given us I’ll have a go at blowing a load of hate over your one. I’ll also try to find a suitably pathetic FF to be savaged (so that will be some random anime I’ve never heard or care about and set the genre filter to “angst” ).

King Krimson Posted:

P.S.S – How many people are reading this? My curiosity must be sated.

Well everyone on the forums I frequent and MSN contacts list for a start.

Well my attempt…

You there. Yes you, with the robe pulled up to your face.

I think you have a mistake, I don’t do stupid wizard threads.

Come here. I heard you’ve been asking about me. The mysterious man with no name. Everyone in this bar has a story to tell. Why are you so interested in mine?

I honestly have no idea, it’s already clear you are unable to use paragraphs and I’m sure half of the yahoos in your mind could come up with more interesting ****e.

I see. ‘I seem familiar’. You sure you want to hear my story? It’s not pretty. You won’t like the ending.

I don’t even like the beginning…

Okay then. For as long as I can remember, I had two friends in my village. One boy and one girl. We would play outside when it wasn’t so dark, when the danger was lowest. We would make believe that we were Vampire Hunters, slaying the great menace that stalks our lands.

Did you act as bad as the rejects in Buffy the Vampire slayer?

We would alternate between hunter and hunted, good and evil. I see a glint of recognition in your eyes. Maybe you used to do the same? Anyway, the deep friendship I felt about my lady companion eventually grew to something more. I never spoke of it though. In the end, it was too late.

Typical, not ten minutes in and you’re gabbing off about never getting a girl. Baaaaw, cry more emo kid.

My other companion evidently felt the same way about her as I did, and so he proposed. She agreed, and inside my heart was broken.

Is that it? No courtship or anything. Christ if you’re gonna have a romance driven plot at least elaborate a little.

I still loved her, even though she was now never to be mine. Do not think I ever tried acting on my feelings, as some are wont to do. I am, after all, a gentleman. Some years pbumed, and eventually, the vampire threat selected our village.

So from you losing your love of your life to vampires attacking your village in what, 3 lines? You really don’t like depth do you?

Our children were stolen in the night, and our women were defiled. Many brave men tried to fight back, and after a while they pin-pointed the source of the attacks. Of course, they all perished in the counter-attacks, rest their souls.

You do know that Vampires feed on virgins and turn them into vampires as well not just “steal kids and enjoy women”.

All that was left of them in the morning was their severed heads pinned to their homes. Each one of them had the most terrifying expression, locked in place for the rest of eternity. BY this time my friends and I had become vampire slayers.

BY this time? Gosh what’s with the caps?

We were away purifying a nest of the foul creatures when our kinsmen fought back, so don’t think for one second that we sat back while our friends and family were slaughtered.

I was more interested in when you were gonna shut up rather then if you could actually fight anything.

When we heard of the atrocity, we immediately set out to combat the demonic foe. While the villagers had pitchforks and torches, we had holy water and sharpened stakes. Due to our experience, I thought they would fall easily.

If they were gonna fall so easily then why did they all get killed and decapitated earlier?

I had no idea at the time that this was to be the worst night of my life. It started routinely enough. We came across a few of the abhorrent creatures sleeping just inside the wood. We slew them where they slept. As we went deeper, however, I started to become uneasy. Why weren’t we meeting more resistance?

Because they were asleep you gigantic retard?

I know now, of course, but at the time I had absolute trust in my ‘friend’. They attacked all at once. Two of us tried to fight them off, but he just stood there. Watched as she was pinned down. Watched as his wife was ravaged. Watched as the woman I loved was torn apart. I lived that day. But at the same time, I died.

Oh how melodramatic, you do know that if he was just standing there that means only 1 of you were fighting them off? Jesus counting to 2 isn’t hard.

I couldn’t find his body, but I did bury all that I could find of my love. I know what happened now. Later on, there were talks of a ‘Vampire King’. One that is human, but consorts with the night. He sold his soul for power. I sold mine for revenge.

Selling souls, best friends betraying you, love of your life killed. Is there any over used plot twist you’ve yet to soil?

That’s why I came here. I heard that the King had set his sights on this village. I would find him, and exact my vengeance. And now, finally, I find you. You bastard.

Considering I’m apparently your friend (god help me) wouldn’t I have remembered doing all this?

It may have been one- hundred years since I last saw you, but don’t think I could forget the person who tore my world apart. Don’t move. Not that you could, anyway. I’ve learned a few new tricks since that night. I am going to make you suffer, as she suffered.

You even think about molesting me and you’ll be walking funny for the rest of your life.

Each day you will beg for a death that cannot be granted. And I’m not going anywhere either. I’m marked too. The mark of Cain. Eternal life, and for you, my friend; eternal pain.

So wait…was there any story at all here? This is possibly the skimpiest **** I’ve ever read. You barely spend any time on any one point and then just end saying I’ll suffer? Well mission ****ing accomplished, I don’t think I’ll ever erase this from my brain.

Copyright 2008 King Krimson. Please don’t try to pbum this work off as your own, as that would be illegal. Have fun!

Not quite sure why anyone would want to be bumociated with you but don’t worry your little head about it.

Pretty ****ing hard since there isn’t actually that much inherently wrong with it. No obvious spelling or grammatical errors I can see aside from a lack of paragraphs. It’s actually not that badLog in to see images! Herrick edited this message on 06/13/2008 8:17PM