That was awesome. Though. You missed out. Several times. When my. character talks like. This. I think he may be the worlds first asthmatic Vampire Hunter. I just hope the examining board isn’t as harsh as you, or I am boned.

I can see I’m going to have a lot of fun with those harvest moon fanfictions. You really scraped the bottom of the barrel, didn’t you?

I want to believe it’s a very meticulous troll.

Nobody could be so stupid to post such ****.

King Krimson Posted:

Herrick, if you actually wrote about my review on another forum, can I have the link to the discussion, please? I am a feedback whore, and every good review gives me strength when I realise there are 35 chapters left to deface. And I will review all of them. That’s a promise.

Well I have msn chatlogs the current thread you’ve been mentioned in just has some guy complaining the main forumwarz game is too hard

Ok, maybe I’m just not up to what exactly ‘goth’ is, but the “author” makes several references to the band Good Charlotte as well as member Joel Madden. Now, isn’t he the one that is boinking Nicole Richie? or is he the one who is boinking Paris Hilton? Doesn’t sound like a very ‘goth’ thing to do, if you ask me. Besides, I always thought they were more of the skate-punk type.

Any help sorting this mess out before my head explodes from all the illogic?

...Cow

In advance, I apologise for the potential lack of funny. I have had the most unproductive cold for the past few days, and it may have affected my writing skills.

I can’t think of anything clever to say here, so just make a sentence up for yourself, or something.

Chapter 10

AN: stup it u gay fabulous persons

Isn’t this a contradiction? Would a ‘gay fabulous person’ be a person raised in a homosexual household who then turns out to be straight? Or maybe the author is just an awful writer? I wonder which?

if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

‘They moved houses because they were evil’. How many times have YOU moved house Ebony? I’m guessing that most of the time it’s for fear of your own worthless life rather than the neighbours being ****-scared of you.

XXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

That is the most generic sounding black metal band name EVER. It’s like Ebony has some bizarre talent for the mediocre.

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

Since these bands are awful, I’m guessing that Ebony’s would physically hurt you to listen to it.

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, we proudly present the master of the mundane, the expert of the everyday; the average magician DIABOLO!

and Hargrid.

Hagrid is basically the only main character not to be bastardised yet. I wonder what Ebony has in store for him? It probably involves whips and bondage gear. Now that’s an unpleasant mental image.

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too

Remember this: This is important.

and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)

OBJECTION! I’m sorry, it just had to be done.

or a steak)

Vampires are dangerously allergic to cows. Just like cats, it seems.

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

Oh no you don’t. You are not bringing Tim Burton into this travesty.

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my mammary glands and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the bum. You might think I’m a **** but I’m really not.

I beg to differ. We’ve basically got nine chapters where you discuss your sexual misadventures with Draco, a boy you only met two days ago. If those aren’t clear signs of a ****, I don’t know what is.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’

Your ****ty metal band can’t even write it’s own songs, you pathetic waste of skin? I’m not surprised.

and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

As did the audience. Though they were hurting long before you were.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

I’m not sure that your spell checker is being entirely truthful, Ebony. However, even the Spellchecker of the Gods could help this car crash.

“What the **** do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the ****ing bastard told me to ****ing kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will ****ing kill Draco!”

I like how she ****ing used the ****ing word **** in all the most ****ing inappropriate ****ing places.

I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

Much like the natives in Indiana Jones IV, he was walled up until the dramatically appropriate time presented itself. Unfortunately for him, he had to eat his own arm to fight off the hunger.

“Why didn’t you ****ing tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you ****ing poser muggle ****!” (c is dat out of character?)

Since he was the one yelling ‘You don’t understand!’ only a few chapters ago, he’s completely out of character and the worst hypocrite in the entire world. Not that I expected any less form you, Ebony.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

If this were a film, all the raw emotion in this sentence would be sure to garner it an Academy Award. Oh wait, I forgot that this fic is ****ING TERRIBLE.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

With you, Ebony, every time is headache time, if only for your sheer stupidity.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely.

I’m betting you saw that word somewhere but don’t know what it means. It means ‘everything this fic is not’.

(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

If you’ve been paying attention you should know what’s wrong with this sentence. I can only imagine that even the author was so repulsed by this story that she refused to go back and check it over for continuity issues. Even so, directly contradicting something that you stated a few paragraphs ago is really bad form. F-. See me after school, where I will beat you to death with an iron kettle.

We’ve got a bit of a change next week, as I attempt to bear the horror of an awful Harvest Moon fanfiction. Thanks to Herrick for destroying my decent short story and then destroying my dreams. I’ll see you next time.

Oh, and I’ve been experimenting with interactive fiction. We’ll see where that leads, shall we? How about ‘My Immortal: The Text Adventure’? And with that soul-crushing note, I bid you adieu.

I loved the objection. Also awesome text adventure.

I would of gone down the path of a new arrival at this hogwarts.

I propose a game through the eyes of a Marty Stu that is also aware that he is fictional, while acting disgruntled because of it. As he is dragged into this overly unrealistic story, he acts in a “dear God, another description of me that’s three paragraphs long?” kind of way -see Woodland Critter Christmas (South Park ep.). It’s funny ‘cause it’s breaking the fourth wall, and if the unseen narrator spoke in the author’s writing “style”, you have the three ideas combined. But I don’t want to suggest too much.

So it’s time for a quick detour, thanks to Herrick. Luckily for me, he managed to pick a story written like a movie script. I hate those things. It’s like the laziest form of writing ever, except for maybe writing your synopsis in lieu of a real story. ‘Jack and Jill are friends that fall in love, get married and have three kids. The End.’ Well, giving credit where credit is due, it’s awful, but not the special ‘My Immortal’ kind of awful. However, I do have another ‘special’ story lined up for you very soon. Search for the author ‘songsofthepast’ on fanfiction.net. You won’t regret it.* On with the review!

*You will regret it very, very much. People averse to reading about hilarious gay sex be warned.

Harvest Moon High

Already my alarm bells are ringing. A game about farming crossed with one of those awful American high school comedies. This is going to be nothing short of abysmal.

Katie: Hi all this is my first fic so no flames!

Katie, Katie, Katie. I’m doing this for your own good you know. In a few years, you’ll thank me for this, because unlike Ebony, you can be saved.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Harvest Moon (damn!)

As if anyone can compare this to the games and think it’s the same author. You’re even writing it on Fanfiction.net. This disclaimer seems more than a little useless.

or any of the characters except a few original ones that may pop up!

These original characters are probably going to be totally worthless and discarded in favour of the main cast. If you want to write about original characters, don’t write fanfiction. In fact, don’t write fanfiction period.

Popuri: Come on Rick we’re going to be late for school if you don’t hurry up!

That’s a mouthful. Have you ever even heard of a comma?

Rick:in the bathroom My hair isn’t perfect enough!

I hope your going for the ‘he’s gay’ angle here, because that’s the vibe I’m getting from this. And use brackets for when you want to describe things. If you insist on writing a story in script style, then at least try to write it properly.

Popuri: Karen’s waiting!!

And I’m waiting for a plot and proper use of punctuation. BURN!

Rick: I’m done! runs out door and outside Hey Karen’s not here!

I cannot stress the importance of brackets enough.

Popuri: Ha ha gotcha! XD

NO. BAD KATIE. It was barely tolerable up to this point, but when you use a smiley in the instance of face-to-face communication you have crossed the point of no return.

Cliff: Are you guys coming??

Dude, like, he said ‘coming!’ Hur Hur Hur!

Ann: We’ve been waiting forever!

Grey: Yeah so let’s go get Kai, Karen, Jack, Mary blushes, Elli and Tim (the doc).

You cannot be a doctor when you’re 14 years old. And what kind of a name is ‘Mary Blushes’? That’s a name sure to bring hours of fun to cruel, callous, evil children. No, I’m not bitter!

Popuri: Okay!!

So our characters walk along to find their pals so they can get to school on time. At the Library

PUNCTUATION, Katie. This is one of the first rules they teach you when you start school. It takes a lot of hard work to get a reception teacher give up on you, but in that respect I guess Katie is just talented.

Cliff: Come on Mary!! We have to go now!!

Grey: Don’t yell at my girlfriend!!

Ann: Don’t yell at my boyfriend!

Cliff: I’m not your boyfriend, ****!

That told her. Down with equal rights! Up with misogyny! I’m also extremely confused as to who’s who. I’m bumuming this will continue for the rest of the fic.

Popuri: Shut up! She’s done let’s go!!

Mary: has gotten contacts and is dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt Hi! hooks arms with Grey

Just in case I haven’t reiterated this enough, use brackets. Or quote marks. Or any kind of punctuation at all, really.

Our characters move on towards the Supermarket. When they get there Jack, Karen, Kai, Elli and Tim are already there.

An odd coincidence, but at least it cuts down the running time of this chapter.

Elli: Hi guys! Let’s go to the beach before we miss our boat!!

If you have a supermarket on your island, I’m sure a school wouldn’t be too difficult to manage.

Karen: Yeah good idea! Hey Rick let’s sit together! wink wink

Please make some distinction between dialogue and actions. Please? Fine then. King Krimson verbally bumaults Katie. How do you like THEM apples?

Popuri: Karen you are so sick!

If that’s the authors’ mindset, then no wonder this story is terrible. Pre-pubescence attitudes do not a good tale make.

I hope you know my brother’s gay!!

You WERE going with the ‘he’s gay’ angle. Still, I’m going to require conclusive evidence before I damn him to hell for his filthy sinners lifestyle.

He’s obsessed with his hair and I think he has a picture of Jack under his pillow! All but Popuri and Rick: EWWWWWWW!!

Someone once said something like this about me once and it ruined my school life… For about an hour. Get over it, kids.

Jack: AHHHHH!! runs around in circles

“My secret shame revealed! Rather than acting calm and collected and therefore having at least some chance to prove my innocence, I’m going to run around like a retard, proving this accusation beyond a doubt!” Why do all fanfiction writers make the characters so epically stupid? I guess the world will never know.

Tim: Whatever let’s just go already!!

Rick: Before we fo I just want to clarify that I am not gay and that is Karen’s picture not Jack’s!

“Of course, it’s so white and sticky that nobody would want to get close enough to tell the difference anyhow. I’m such a genius!”

So they all walk down to the beach, board the boat and get off at the mainland and walk to school.

Jack: Well here it is Harvest Moon High School! It’s big!!

Wait, haven’t you been here before? Is this your first day of school? That would explain a lot, actually, so I’m taking it to be the truth.

All: Wow!!

Elli: Wait why are we so impressed we’ve went here for the last 3 years?!

Oh I see. Instead of a somewhat plausible explanation, it turns out that all the characters have ADHD. Either that, or the authors attempt at humour has tripped, fell, and required extensive re-constructive surgery due to the horrendous disfiguring injuries it suffered.

All but Elli: —;

We all knew someone like this. The person who tries to be funny and hangs around where they aren’t wanted. I feel for you Elli, I really do.

Elli: What? It’s true!!

They’re not going to listen to you. They never do. All they do is look at you with that look. That withering look that renders all of your achievements null and void. God, I’m so lonely.

They all went inside and got their schedules, see the following:

You know you’ve done something wrong when timetables are the key to the story. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban did it admirably, I suppose, but then again, it didn’t list every single lesson.

Jack’s Science, Football, English, Spanish, Math, Geography, Band

Popuri’s Science, Dance, Math, English, Geography, French, Choir

Elli’s Math, Dance, English, Geography, Science, French, Choir

Tim’s Math, Football, English, Science, Spanish, Geography, Band

Karen’s Remedial Math, Dance, Remedial Science, Remedial Geography, French, Remedial English, Choir

Rick’s Remedial Math, Football, Science, Geography, English, Spanish, Band

Cliff’s Science, Football, English, Spanish, Math, Geography, Band

Ann’s Science, Dance, Math, English, Geography, French, Choir

Kai’s Geography, Football, Math, Science, English, Spanish, Band

Mary’s Adv. Math, Dance, Adv. English, Adv. Science, Geography, French, Choir

Grey’s Adv. Math, Football, Adv English, Science, Geography, Spanish, Band

I didn’t read this. Since you seem to be an intelligent lot I’m bumuming that you skipped it too. Good for you.

Popuri: Hey girl’s we’re all in Dance and Choir together!! Yay! Jack: And boy’s we’re all in Football and Band together! Awesome!

Have I ever mentioned I hate football (soccer, for you American types)? It’s just a bunch of foppish men kicking about an inflated pig bladder. However, I would like to see a game of football played using the medieval rules though. Brutal, crippling violence spices anything up. If you don’t think that a player’s head being substituted for the ball is awesome, then there’s something wrong with you.

Cliff: Okay so let’s go to clbumes now!

So Jack, Popuri, Cliff and Ann all went to Science. Mary and Grey went to Advanced Math. Karen an d Rick went to Remedial Math, Kai went to Geography and Elli and Tim went to Math.

It seems as if she realised herself that no-one was going to read the timetable, so she’s gone to the trouble of writing it out again here. +1 for foresight, -101 for the rest of the story. I just can’t see where the intrigue lies in mundane stories about school. Will Grey get a good result? Will anyone find out that Ann copied her essay from Wikipedia? Will Jack be bullied mercilessly by erstwhile friends for his unavoidable gayness? Find out in the next dull episode of: HIGH SCHOOL HI-JINX! I for one, will not be tuning in.

I hope everyone enjoyed that first chapter. I have the whole entire story in my head but it may take a while to write it! Love, CrazyGirl23

A very fitting pseudonym. “They called me crazy when I said that I was going to write a Harvest Moon story set in high school! I show them! I’ll show them all!”

Just for laughs, lets check out her profile shall we?

I’m through with writing. These stories are horrible and I just have nopbumion for writing things anymore. D:

I’d delete all my crappy stories if I knew how. : Sorry to anyone who had the misfortune of reading my writing.

…Oh. Well, Ah… Looks like someone got to her before I did. Um… It wasn’t… it wasn’t THAT bad. I… I’m an awful, awful person. Don’t pay any attention to me. Oh God. Oh God, I’m so sorry. I’m a failure as a human being. OH GOD.

I guess I’ll see you later then. When I further soil my reputation as a decent person. Thanks for encouraging this, you agents of Satan. Until next time.

That image macro made me chuckle.

And who said I was still sane? I have no doubt these stories have affected my metal capacities in some way.

Thanks, xXxJUNEGUY1xXx!

Hang on a moment. xXxJUNEGUY1xXx – XXXbloodyrists666XXX.

No relation, is there? Please tell me there isn’t.