And now, the chapter that needs no introduction.

Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

That explains an awful lot. But why write a Harry Potter fanfiction if you haven’t read the source material? Maybe to molest a wider audience, I don’t know.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

You know, I missed that part in the movie where Dumbledore develops tourettes syndrome. Maybe it’s in the directors cut edition?

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

I have a headache every single day of my life, and you don’t see me swearing randomly. Now it’s time for the rest of the story, you repulsive **** guzzlers.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!

...No. Just no.

MCR ROX!

I don’t know or care who MCR are, but if Ebony likes them, all of their past accomplishments go straight out the window.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX

I was so mad and sad.

I was mad and sad, because Draco was bad, I wasn’t glad, because Draco’s a cad.

I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

I find it hard to believe she found the exact same tree that had the misfortune of witnessing their disgusting debacle firsthand. On a separate note, since Ebony’s a vampire, was it necrophilia? I think it may have been. Yet another taboo broken.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything

‘Everything’ being an incredibly large thingy.

started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)

if you don’t want us to know it’s Voldemort yet, THEN DON’T TELL US IT’S VOLDEMORT.

and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

‘Voldemort isn’t gothic’. Yeah, pull the other one, miss ‘I-haven’t-read-the-books-but-I-have-watched-the-movies-honest.’

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

Okay, she’s got me. Being placed under the Imperius curse allows the caster to control the victim, so it’s feasible that it could stop her moving. Ebony 1, King Krimson 375.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him.

‘Meow?’ No, not you. She meant ‘Crucio’, though how she got a torture curse and a cat mixed up is anyone’s guess. Maybe she’s violently allergic to felines? To every reader with a cat: expect instructions soon.

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

Unfortunately for you, Ebony, readers of this fanfiction will not be so merciful when your identify is revealed to them.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

Why is Voldemort encouraging a barely competent teenager to kill his arch enemy? I guess he must be really desperate. Also, check out ‘ye olde time’ speech. I’m guessing that if Ebony had any sense of rhythm, Voldemort would be speaking in iambic pentameter as well.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

Mr. Radcliffe, if you’re reading this, run. Regardless of how many people have lusted after your broomstick, you don’t want the admirations of Ebony. It would be like the movie ‘Misery’, only a whole lot creepier.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Ebony suddenly realises what everyone has been telling her all along. Now that we have established that Ebony is an idiot, maybe the author will show mercy and bring in the giant spiders.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Oh, okay. Wait, what? A GUN? She’s a witch! If she can perform the Cruciatus curse, that she can surely kill people with magic!

“No! Please!” I begged.

Seeing as he’s given you a gun, which can apparently kill wizards, just shoot him. Or are you choosing to keep him immortal, while simultaneously rendering all other characters unrecognisable? However hard I try, I cannot find a single shred of logic in this entire story.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-very special look on his face.

As always, Voldemort hits the nail on the head.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

Awesome. If it were in any other story, that is.

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I think Voldemort may be my favourite character so far. Of course, that’s like saying that I prefer malaria to meningitis.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Bad Draco! What have I told you about using a condom?

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)

**** you.

between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Ebony, Master of the Redundant.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“I’m sure it was just a coincidence we both got exactly the same test results.”

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Careful, you’ll trip and fall! Actually, scratch that. Knock yourselves out. Literally.

So, chapter 10 is next. That, uh, that competition is still open, you know. Just throwing it out there. Isn’t there a fanfiction you really, really hate? One you want savaged? Since no one has actually entered, even someone typing ‘LOL’ all over my story would win. Don’t do that though. Not that. I might get depressed. And then I won’t write any more. Sigh. See you next time, I guess. Or not. I don’t really care either way. (Seriously though the compo… You don’t care, do you? Ah well. It was worth a shot. See you next time!)