Stores
Stores are places where you can buy (and, in the case of The Ppwn Shoppe!, sell) stuff. Since items are of huge importance in forum pwning, stores are to be visited often to stock up on the best stuff money can buy. Some shops are only open to certain clbumes, and there's at least one shop that has different items each day. Other shops are useless, or only exist for one quest and then you never visit them again, but a few shops will be visited multiple times each day to acquire important items.
Stores available to all clbumes:
A Russian-based software store specializing in illegal, hacked and otherwise destructive warez. In the hands of anyone but a master Hacker, these things will **** up your system faster than a Taco Bell burrito that’s been sitting out for more than the recommended 3.4 minutes.
Drugs “R” Fun is your one-stop shop for online pharmaceuticals. Due to the results of a long and obscure political battle, they have the ability to ship drugs to your door without a prescription.
Plum is famous for their Prune™ line of personal computers. Compared to a generic PC, Prunes are expensive, however they are generally built of higher-end components and have several hidden benefits, such as how “kewl” they look.
The Ppwn Shoppe, “where half the Ps are silent,” is not unlike a box of chocolates—chocolates that have been tampered with by a malicious fecalpheliac. In other words, you never know what you’ll find here, and it may very well be ****.
The Ppwn Shoppe will also buy your unused items from you, although you shouldn’t expect a great rate.
All sales are final, so caveat emptor!
von Neumann’s is a software lover’s paradise! You can buy the latest software for any system, including all sorts of obscure platforms and devices.
...you ****ing dork.
- Dr.Jojos Plastic Surgery Storeroom (Episode 2 Store)
An online repository of “Do-It-Yourself” home surgery kits designed by Austrian-Argentinian experimental doctor Josef Snatchpinscher.
As seen on the Office of the Surgeon General’s “News & Alerts” page.
- Drugs "R" Fun: Under The Counter (Episode 2 Store)
This is the darker, back-alley twin of Drugs “R” Fun. The products are a lot stronger.
- Herbal bumault (Episode 2 Store)
A health store offering the highest-quality naturopathic medicines and herbal mixtures. Many of these preparations are far more powerful than any pharmaceuticals, and the best part is, they’re totally legal!
in nowhere but Holland.
- TallJungle****.com (Episode 2 Store)
Named after the legendarily tall ****es of the jungles of South America, TallJungle****.com is a popular e-tailer for books and ****. You like books, don’t you?
Clbum-specific stores:
Emo Kids have access to two stores, which sells tattoos and piercings:
Perhaps the worst unlicensed tattoo parlor not located in your local jail cell, Infections, Ink uses the same remote-control inking technology favored by lazy celebrity authors to autograph books from their attics.
Also, they can pierce you somehow. In any case, your new body mod is sure to turn into a festering mess, but hey: That’s the price of “just being yourself.”
- The Puncture Juncture (Episode 2 Store)
A higher-end online tattoo parlor and piercery, The Puncture Juncture offers a whole new world of holes.
This shop was featured on such popular reality shows as Orlando Ink, ¡Viva La Tinta!, Ink’d, Tatted Up, People Getting Tattoos and When Tattoos Are Tattooed.
Camwhores have access to four stores, selling shoes, glbumes, and lingerie:
There’s simply no easier way to increase your Sexiness factor than to throw on a pair of ****ty shoes. Female Dominance has been in the shoe-pimping business for three weeks now, and has a great selection of products for you shoe fetishists to gawk at.
These days it doesn’t matter whether you’re indoors or not: If you’re not wearing some kind of covering over your eyes, you’re a huge ****ing loser. StunGlbumes® sells all kinds of opulent eyewear, perfect for hiding that ugly face of yours. Sorry, it had to be said.
- Spex Offender (Episode 2 Store)
StunGlbumes is so last episode! Spex Offender sells all the hot parodied name brands for the discerning Camwhore.
- The Camel's Toe (Episode 2 Store)
The Camel’s Toe sells an bumortment of lingerie products designed to call attention to what is arguably the most beautiful of all longitudinal cutaneous folds: the labia majora.
Trolls have access to three stores. Under The Bridge sells items that will restore your Douchebaggery in battle, while Illegalities and Aunt Jomama's Authentic Voodoo Emporium sell "fetish" items which increase your max Douchebaggery.
Every troll ends up here eventually. Under the Bridge (downtown location) is where you can pick up all the psychedelics, dissociatives and deliriants you’ll need to impair your intellect and take your level of discourse even lower than that of the average Internet user.
These drugs are not for pleasure. The experiences are rarely pleasant, but they’re guaranteed to turn you into the biggest douchebag in the frat house.
Let’s face it: the government won’t let you near the best stuff in life.
Somehow, this online store continues to exist, despite the fact that it exclusively sells things “The Man” doesn’t want you to have.
- Aunt Jomama's Authentic Voodoo Emporium (Episode 2 Store)
Lawdy, lawdy! Ev’rybody’s goin’ buckwild for these here down-south hoodoo-voodoo-juju Troll fetishes, made right here by Aunt Jomama’s own li’l hands! Dey’s temptilatin’!
Hackers Have access to 1 store which sells computer parts.
This Chinese-owned computer retailer offers the best hardware prices on the Internet.
Sure, everything they sell includes a hardware firewall that censors out the words “Tienanmen Square,” but cirgreat timesventing that should be child’s play for a hacker like you.
Established in 1920 as a general trading company, they still have a back room filled with “red ginseng root suspended in royal jelly for make male reproductive organ hard now,” if you’re into that kind of thing.
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