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Grats peeps! Pretty much everyone had an awesome story.(view post)
You am hot in bizarro world.(view post)
I don’t think it should ever skip the picture, because what if you come up with a really good sub and then don’t get a chance to have anyone vote on it?(view post)
Signed. HARD.(view post)
Some people have mixed feelings about it, but I really liked 1602 by Neil Gaiman.(view post)
i cats majic misle!!!!(view post)
Since you said we could interpret this in anyway we wanted I decided to take mine in a little different direction. Though not about traditional vampires, it definately is about creatures that would be clbumified in the realm of “vampiric.” So, here it is:
Night had fallen on goatherd’s tiny ranch in the Altar desert of Sonora, Mexico. By the light of the full moon, one would have seen that a single goat had breached the dilapidated fence behind the house and wandered too far. One would have also been able to see that the goat was dead, and two otherworldly creatures were hunched over its body.
“I alwayth hate that part, Raoul,” said one of the creatures. His lisp would have been apparent, but Raoul had lived with him so long that he had stopped noticing the speech impediment.
“Yeah, It’s always tough coming back after hibernation, Pablo. It’s like, you hear that poor little goat go, ‘MAAAAAH,’ and you just can’t bring yourself to snap it’s cute little neck.”
“Can I have the firtht bite?” asked Pablo. Raoul hadn’t finished yet.
“I’m all like, ‘Sorry little goat! It’s just that this is nature and a Chupacabra has to eat, too,’ but I know that the goat can’t understand me so the poor little guy still thinks I’m some kind of cold-blooded murderer. And sure, I’m cold-blooded, but I’d never actually murder anyone, like, for no reason,” he paused, “Sure, you can have the first bite.”
Pablo sank his teeth into the goat’s neck and began draining its vital fluids. After a few minutes, Raoul gave Pablo a glare and started tapping his foot impatiently. Pablo looked up.
“Well jeethe, thorry mithter prithy-pantth, excuthe me for being hungry after a four-month hibernation!”
“Well! It’s not like I snuck out for snacks this winter! I’m just as famished as you are!” Raoul replied indignantly.
“You sure could’ve fooled me, mithter! You look like you’re training to be a thumo wrethler or thomething.” Raoul was taken aback.
“You KNOW I’m sensitive about my physique, Pablo. That’s not very fair.”
“Fine. Whatever. Jutht take your thtupid turn with the goat and let’th leave,” said Pablo. He turned his spiny back to Raoul and the goat. Nearly a minute into his meal, the two heard the door of the goatherd’s house creak open.
“¿Quién está allí? ¡Estancia lejos de mis cabras!” the goatherd shouted. Pablo and Raoul then heard two deafening gunshots.
“Jethuth Chritht!” shouted Pablo. The two of them spread their bat-like wings and flew into the night, leaving the goatherd shouting curses at the night sky.
Raoul and Pablo had retreated to their cave in the foothills. Neither had said a word throughout the whole flight. After a few minutes of darkness and silence, Raoul spoke.
“Thanks for taking so long, Pablo,” he said, venom in his voice (Author’s note: Chupacabras do not produce actual venom), “If you weren’t as slow as an bum, I could’ve had a full meal.”
“Well maybe if you hadn’t made tho much freaking noithe, you wouldn’t have woke up that thtupid farmer!”
“Oh! So somehow this is all MY fault?” Raoul was nearly shouting. “I’m the one who killed the goat in the first place! I should have been the one to get first bite!” He made a disapproving [i]tch[/] sound with his mouth. “But no! I decided to be polite and let you go first. And what’s my reward? Half of a meal, and getting shot at, that’s what!” Raoul stopped. His eyes began to grow misty. “And you know what? That’s not even worst part. The worst is that you don’t appreciate anything I do for you!” His voice had grown back into a shout.
“Wow, I’m thorry Raoul,” Pablo said, genuinely apologetic, “I never realithed…”
“Just shut up, Pablo! ‘Thorry’ isn’t going to cut it this time. I’m going to bed now. It’s almost daytime.” Instead of retiring in his usual spot in the cave, near Pablo, Raoul moved as far away from him as he could before curling up in his sleeping position. “And don’t try to wake me up!”
That day, Pablo could not sleep. He and Raoul had had their spats before, but never like this. Neither one of them had ever went to bed angry. Pablo sensed that if he didn’t act now, the two of them would never make up. For hours, Pablo lay awake, brainstorming ways to make it up to Raoul.
I could volunteer to make the kill tomorrow night, he thought, but that idea was out. That would be his job anyway, according to their rotation. Maybe I could offer to make the kills for the next week, or let him take the first bite for the next month. Or maybe both? However, that option was out of the question as well. He knew that Raoul would be too stubborn to let him do that.
So, it was roughly around noon that day when Pablo determined that the only thing he could do would be to go out and get Raoul a new goat while he was asleep. That way Raoul would have to accept his apology. Unfortunately that meant going outside in broad daylight.
Pablo crawled out of the cave slowly, both to avoid waking Raoul, and to let his eyes adjust to the growing amounts of sunlight. Once was out in the midday sun, he spread his wings in preparation for flight, but just before takeoff he realized that he couldn’t fly during the daytime. He would be too visible that way, and he had a low profile to maintain. So, he trudged through the hot desert sands of Sonora for nearly an hour before he could see the old goatherd’s ranch.
Maybe this isn’t such a good idea… he thought. But there was no turning back now, and this was something he had to do for Raoul.
Raoul woke that night to find himself alone in the cave. Immediately he felt the bitter sting of regret.
Poor Pablo ran away from me! he thought, And who could blame him? I acted like a monster!
Raoul searched the entire foothill region, but Pablo was nowhere too be found. Every cave was empty, except for the local hombre lobo’s lair, but Lupé had no idea where Pablo was either.
Soon it became midnight, and Raoul was starving. He knew there was no way he could keep up the search if he had no energy, so he flew over to the ranch to grab a bite. He surveyed the herd in order to pick out a weak one, but something caught his eye.
At the side of the house, there was a dead goat half buried in the sand. At first he thought it was the goat he had killed last night, but when he looked closer he realized that it was much bigger and plumper than that one. He could smell that the corpse was still relatively fresh.
Can’t let it go to waste, he told himself. But when he got up close to the goat, he realized that it had not died a natural death. Its neck had been violently snapped. His heart began to race. Raoul fearfully tiptoed to the front of the house. Suddenly, everything became clear, and what he saw caused him to let out an otherworldly wail of despair.
Pablo was there on the porch, hanging upside-down by his legs. His previously vibrant, green skin had taken on a sickly pallor, and two of his beautiful multicolored spines had been broken off. Blood was dripping from three bullet wounds in his body: one in the leg, one in the stomach, and one in the neck, presumably the killing shot.
Raoul’s noise had awoken the rancher who burst out of the shanty with his rifle, prepared to kill the second beast. However, the creature was already dead without injury. The rancher would never realize it, but he had died of a broken heart.(view post)
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses goes first and hits his ball straight into the water hazard. “No problem,” he says. He rolls up his sleeves, parts the water, walks to the ball, chips it onto the green and gets a birdie. Jesus goes next and his ball lands in the water hazard, too. “No big deal, he says. He steps onto the pond, walking accross the water to find the ball resting on a lilly pad. He swings his club and manages to get an eagle. The old man goes last, and also hits the ball into the water trap. Moses and Jesus chuckle a little, then the old man puts up his hand and says quietly, “Wait for it.” Ten seconds later, a screaming hawk dives toward the water hazard, skimming its surface, and pulls up a fish. As it flies off, the fish coughs up the man’s golf ball, which ricochets off of a nearby tree and rolls into the hole. “That’s a hole in one,” says the old man. Jesus leans over to Moses and whispers, “I hate playing golf with my dad…”(view post)
“Thinking with Portals”
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“Lightning, Fire, the Power of God or Something”
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A man is walking though the forest late at night. All of the sudden, a grizzly bear leaps from the darkness, roaring ferociously. Falling too the ground, the man absentmindedly shouts, “Oh my God!” Just as soon as the final word leaves his mouth, time stops around him. The man can feel no wind, the forest is silent, the bear is perfectly still, with it’s saliva suspended in mid-air. Then the man hears a booming voice from above.
“ALL OF YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME! AND NOW YOU CHOOSE ONLY IN THIS MOMENT OF LIFE-THREATENING DANGER TO CALL UPON MY NAME? WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?”
The man replies, “I was stupid! But I believe now! Please, I only want to ask you for one thing! Can you make this bear a believer, just as I have? Then I can go home, and this godless beast can be saved!”
“VERY WELL,” booms the voice of God, and the man snaps back in to real time. The bear stops roaring, and begins to kneel upon the ground. The man is confused, but then the bear bows it’s head and puts it’s paws together. The man realizes that the bear is praying, and is relieved that his plea to God had succeeded. Just then, the bear opens it’s mouth to speak:
“Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to recieve…”
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A man is walking down the beach, and something shiny in the sand catches his eye. He goes to dig it up, and realizes that it’s one of those old oil lamps, the kind that genies come out of in all the cartoons. He laughs to himself about finding such a quirky item, and then just to be funny, he gives it a rub. Then, to his surprise, smoke begins to pour from the lamp. The smoke begins to swirl around until soon there is a real, live genie standing in front of him.
“I don’t believe this!” the man says. “Am I really going to get three wishes?”
“Yes,” replies the genie. “But there is a catch! Who is the person that you hate the most?”
“That would be my boss,” answers the man, after a moment of consideration.
“Then for every wish that I grant you, your boss will recieve that same wish twofold!”
“Okay then. That’s not so bad. I’ll take those wishes.” The man thinks for a moment, and then says, “I wish I had a billion dollars.” The genie claps, and there is a flash of light.
“When you return home and go to the bank, you discover that a billion dollar deposit has been made to your account. However, your boss has recieved two billion dollars!”
“Whatever. I wish that I had a sprawling mansion full of beautiful women to fulfill my every need.” The genie claps and once again, there is a flash of light. The genie hands him a peice of paper.
“This paper has your new adress on it. However, you will find that your next-door neighbor is your boss, who now has a mansion twice as big, filled with twice as many women!”
“That’s okay,” says the man. “Now, about that third wish…
I want you to take this peice of driftwood, and beat me half to death.”(view post)
Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: “Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem.” Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, “If the train does not start moving, the driver will be executed!” But the train doesn’t start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, “Let’s take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front”. But it still doesn’t move. Brezhnev then says, “Comrades, Comrades, let’s draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we’re moving!”
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Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, “Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.” “Why blue?” Putin asks. “Ha!” says Stalin. “I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.”
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The KGB, the GIGN and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
HAHA RUSSIANS. SO CRAZY.(view post)
CLOSED: The unofficial ForumWarz Survey: your feedback may be rewarded with Brownie Points (5BP prize fund)!
Rate your participation in the following activities from 1 (never) to 5 (addict).
Collecting E-Peen: 3
Pwning Forums: 4
How do you enjoy these activities? Rate from 1 (awful) to 5 (perfect).
Collecting E-Peen: 3
Pwning Forums: 3
Rate the following items from 1 (horrible) to 5 (dreamy)
Availability of mods/staff: 5
Balance between clbumes: 2
Site Performance: 4
Final section: two open questions
If you could change one thing about ForumWarz, what would it be? Less waiting in INCIT
Express your overall opinion of ForumWarz in less then 50 words: A worthwile game with a great community.(view post)
Came up with this one myself.
“I like my women the way I like the bumerflies in my collection. Limbs wide open and pinned down.”
Edit: I’m gonna be gone for like two weeks, so if through some bizarre twist of fate I somehow win this thing, just consider this a hypothetical thanks in advance, because I won’t be able to say it at the time.(view post)
“Search that secret hatch where you keep your spare Potato Head parts, you know it to be true.”(view post)
I couldn’t think of anything so I just said to myself, “Hey, why not just spell out the word numbers using letters, and then spell out the word letters using numbers?”(view post)
This thread is amazing. I hope someday it can retire to Full of Won.(view post)
I have Log in to see images! (view post)
Giving this a shot.(view post)
Well, I could sure as hell use some BP. Consider me in.(view post)