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|"My Immortal", The worst fan fiction ever.|
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I have no idea why I am doing this. It’s rationalising, I suppose. I just can’t believe something so abhorrent, so FOUL could exist. I am seriously rethinking everything I thought I knew, because this just puts a different perspective on all the things that I thought were concrete. It explains a lot, though. Wars. Terrorism. AIDS. Everything. It’s all due to this one piece of fiction, set in the seemingly innocuous world of Harry Potter. Oh yes. Today, children, I will be reviewing possibly the worst fan-fiction I have come across, and that’s saying a lot, believe you me. It is called ‘My Immortal’. It is so repulsive that even SATAN HIMSELF cries when he looks upon it. For those of you foolish enough to read on, I warn you. Don’t. It simultaneously disproves the existence of God and renders your remaining years on this earth meaningless. How can anyone stand to live while they know that this abomination exists? Even worse, it never ends. It just rambles on, and on, and on, like anybody who has read even the first chapter does not wish to taste death’s sweet embrace.
My friends. This could quite possibly be the last you hear of me. Before I start to review this heinous garbage, allow me to list the ways in which it brutally violates the English language.
1. It is a Mary Sue story.
2. It has no sense of grammar what-so-ever.
3. Draco in leather pants.
4. It is inconsistent.
5. Did I mention it doesn’t end? Ever?
6. It constantly obsesses over the ‘heroines’ wardrobe.
7. The author thinks she is actually good at writing.
I am not making this up. The despicable human being who unleashed this ****-stain upon the world feels that she has actual worth as a human being! If the world was under my control, I bumure you that this witch would be hunted down and burnt. And as the flames licked at her screaming form, revealing the foul creature that the frail body of a teenage girl was concealing, I would watch on, ignoring her obscene and pitiful cries for mercy. As her cries of terror and rage escalate to a crescendo, I myself would walk into the fire, for although I had rid the world of this terrible beast, all I could ever see after my encounter with her would be the huge, gaping void. What is the point of life, after all? Whether we were created by some divine being, or brought to this earth by some freak accident, the purpose of life is rendered inconsequential if we cannot enjoy it. After my experience with this fan-fiction, all the joy that I once had has been sucked from my soul. Despite my procrastinating, at some point I must face my fears and engage in battle with this terrifying creature. So now, without further ado, is my review of the horror that is ‘My Immortal’. ‘Thanks’ to Encyclopedia Dramatica, for alerting me to this vile piece of work. YOU’RE ALL BASTARDS AND I HATE YOU.
(I am only really reviewing the first five chapters, as I want to preserve the remnants of my sanity that I still possess. If, for some reason, you want more, then just tell me in the threads. If you don’t want your perversity to be known, just tub-mail me. You masochist. Also, I know this has been done before, but what the hell, right?)
Okay, onto the story. I think I should let you know that this delightful story is the work of XXXbloodyrists666XXX, so now you know where to send your hate-mail and flaming dog ****. The hero of this story is one Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. So called because she has ebony hair (How did her parents know she had ebony hair as a baby? Didn’t she have a name until she was 6 months old?), has a ‘dark’ personality, she is mentally ill, raven can be another euphemism for black and she wishes that she was related to some fabulous personmo named Gerald Way so that she can add another meaning to ‘all in the family’ (she admits as much in the story). From now on, I will be presenting you the text of the story. When I wish to chip in, I will put my comment in italics like so. You can tell my italics apart from hers because I can actually spell. Okay. You sure you want to read this? Here goes.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way)
Herein, we set the tone of the story. It is in the goffik/horror/romance/I can’t spell/travesty category. Incidentally, in this case goffick means ‘a tale in which dark things happen’. The darkest thing about this tale is the fact that it was written in the first place.
raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way
See? I wasn’t making it up.
and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).
You heard the woman! I suppose this means we should all leave. At least she had the decency to tell us to abandon the story herself.
I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major ****ing hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
bumuming she is going with the Dracula type vampire, this is like saying ‘I’m a pedophile, but I like to have sex with children’.
I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
Get used to the mini biography. You’ll be seeing much, MUCH more like this. I think this is the only story to bother to tell you exactly what the main character is wearing. These descriptions take up about 25% of the story. Which, in retrospect, isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
Ebony shows that she failed both English and science. There is no possible way that it could be both snowing and raining AT THE SAME TIME.
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
This is a very common occurrence. I don’t know what a prep is, but if they are united in their hatred of Ebony, then count me in.
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
Oh God no, please, PLEASE don’t let this turn into a Ebony/Draco story.
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
No, it is not good. It is semen as compared to chocolate ice cream.
AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!
The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.
Since when did Hogwarts allow students to sleep in coffins? When did they let vampires attend? No wonder the school has such a high fatality rate. Actually, the fatality rate might be why everybody is sleeping in coffins. ‘So, kids, we notice a lot of you have been dying. If you sleep in these, it saves the school funeral costs.’
My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
Usually, description helps to set the scene. Here, it is used as a torture device.
My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)
Oh goody. Not only do we have an author insertion character, we also have an authors friend insertion character. This just keeps getting better and better.
woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)
Despite the great lengths the author goes to describe her characters, all I see when I think of them is a target labeled: ‘shoot here, and for the love of all that is good and holy, DO NOT MISS’.
“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.
This is the single greatest use of the word OMFG ever.
“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.
“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.
“No I so ****ing don’t!” I shouted.
I really don’t understand women sometimes. If she means what she says, hopefully we won’t get a long description of Dracos “round, wet, muscular pectorals, glistening in the sun. As he breathed in, his chest raised and lowered sensuously. He noticed me watching, and he smiled with his perfect, white teeth.” Um, excuse me; I need to sit down a minute. Whew.
“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.
“Hi.” he said.
“Hi.” I replied flirtily.
Never mind. Looks like we get that description after all.
“Guess what.” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.
“Oh. My. ****ing. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.
Don’t you mean “OMFG”?
“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.
Draco!!! Do not tarry yourself with this brazen hussy! Can’t you see the deep love (no homo) that I have for you? You used to be cool, in a ‘love to hate’ kind of way! Now you’re just not cool, at all! To be honest, I would rather be reading a Naruto/Sasuke fic right now. I hate this story that much.
AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!
Somebody LIKES this drivel? Either that or this girl is the second most skilled sock puppeteer I’ve ever seen.
FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.
It’s your favorite band. At least learn to spell their name right.
On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC.
When I feel depressed (usually as a result of reading this story), I read something to cheer me up, not something to make myself even more miserable.
I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.
Human blood? I thought you were drinking cow blood. On account of you being a cow. HAHAHA I CRACK MYSELF UP OH GOD WHY AREN’T I DEAD YET.
I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.
Flying car. A flying car. I know it’s part of the series, but a bloody flying car. I don’t care what J.K. Rowling envisioned, but I just had a vision of the Jetsons. Seriously. A FLYING CAR.
He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).
What? I don’t understand what you just said. A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok? What the hell does that mean? There are spelling errors, and then there are spelling murders. This is one of them.
“Hi Draco!” I said in a depressed voice.
You can’t be enthusiastic and depressed at the same time. Yet more evidence of Ebony’s crimes against the English language.
“Hi Ebony.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)
Of course it did. Of course it bloody did.
and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.
Flying cars have autopilot? I hope not. Please crash.
When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.
“You come in cold, you’re covered in blood
They’re all so happy you’ve arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life.” sang Joel (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).
“Joel is so ****ing hot.” I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.
Suddenly Draco looked sad.
Because Draco is a gimp. Seriously, this girl isn’t worth it. Hang on, aren’t Good Charlotte muggles? What are they doing in Hogsmeade?
“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.
You dance, not ‘mosh’. Is English really your first language? Because I’d say it was unintelligible gibberish.
“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.
“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.
I hope Draco turns out to be one of those psycho dates, who kills Ebony and then eats her corpse.
“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Joel and he’s going out with Hilary ****ing Duff. I ****ing hate that little ****.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.
For once, I think I agree with Ebony. Never again, though.
The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn’t go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into……………………… the Forbidden Forest!
Joy! Maybe they’ll get eaten by a giant spider! I can but dream.
AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony’s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!
Her name is Enoby now? Make up your putrid mind, wench.
“DRACO!” I shouted. “What the **** do you think you are doing?”
I’d like to ask him the same question. Do you really find her attractive? Really?
Draco didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.
I walked curiously once. All the other kids laughed at me. Then they beat me with rocks.
“What the ****ing hell?” I asked angrily.
“Ebony?” he asked.
“What?” I snapped.
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)
Honestly Draco, You’re a wizard. Can’t you just cast a spell to change your eye-colour, or something?
which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.
I feel mad. I’m bloody furious. Where were the giant spiders we were promised?
And then…………… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me pbumionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what
No, I don’t know what. Your ear canal? Your nostril? Your eye socket?
and we did it for the first time.
OH. They’re having sex. OH NO. THEY’RE HAVING SEX.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….
DON’T YOU DARE. DON’T YOU DARE PEDDLE ME YOUR FILTHY DEPICTIONS OF UNDER AGE SEX.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
The idea of a gangsta Dumbledore genuinely appeals to me. “YO YO YO this is the D-DAWG. An’ I’m here to tell ya to suck on my Nimbus 2000! Fo’ shizzle!” On a completely unrelated note, what was Dumbledore doing wandering around the forbidden forest at night? “Hmm, maybe I’ll catch some young, innocent boys exploring each other! Oh giggedy. What’s this? STRAIGHT SEX? What has the world come too, motherfukers?
AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!
Five good reviews. That’s five people who like this ****. I wish it wasn’t so, but there are more chapters after this. However, this is the last one I’m reviewing for the time being.
Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.
“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.
This could be the next big meme. A picture of Dumbledore with the words “you ludacris fools!” superimposed onto it. Or “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!” for that matter.
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.
“Straight sex? What is the world coming too?”
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.
I take it back. THIS could be the next big meme. What is a mediocre dunce, anyway? Not a great dunce, but not a bad one either?
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”
In the Harry Potter universe, this is the ‘get out of jail free’ card. Unfortunately it didn’t work at my stalking trial. The judge just increased my sentence.
Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”
Professor Snape LURVES the under age bonking!
Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.
“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.
“You practically raped me, and we could both get expelled. I’m fine!”
“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.
Well, that’s it. I hope this has hurt you as much as it hurt me. Well, I’ll be going now. Tell my parents that I love them, and that this was for the best. Goodbye, my friends. I’ll miss you.
King Krimson edited this message on 10/19/2008 4:38PM
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:03AM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
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|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:03AM||View PhilANThropiSt's Profile | #|
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|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:10AM||View Cerebellum's Profile | #|
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|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:11AM||View PhilANThropiSt's Profile | #|
quote this if you only read the first sentence of this thread
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:12AM||View BirdofPrey's Profile | #|
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:13AM||View PhilANThropiSt's Profile | #|
Why are you oblivious to my pain? The word must go out.
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:16AM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
o_0.. i just permanently lost brain cells scanning that extreme drivel..and i only had a few of the ****ers left, damn you. also you left out the best parts, where the whomping tree rapes hagrid, and hermione sits on my face, thanks to my handy clittus lickus maximus spell type ****
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|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:24AM||#|
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 11:25AM||#|
Log in to see images! King Krimson edited this message on 05/16/2008 12:13PM
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 12:10PM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
I’m not even a emo and I want to cut myself after reading the first few sentences.
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 9:35PM||View Balloon's Profile | #|
Something_Witty edited this message on 05/16/2008 10:01PM
|Posted On: 05/16/2008 9:53PM||View Something_Witty's Profile | #|
Am I the only one who actually enjoys the sheer comedy of this pile of fail? Seriously, if you don’t plan to review more of these, then I will read them myself.
|Posted On: 05/17/2008 3:00PM||View Camille_Zeta's Profile | #|
Camille_Zeta Posted:You mean you actually read this garbage? You’re either brave, or stupid. Probably the latter.
Either way, if you really want to force me to review the next five chapters, which would crush my spirit even further, just say aye.
|Posted On: 05/17/2008 6:29PM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
|Posted On: 05/17/2008 6:40PM||View Cool Aid Guy's Profile | #|
|Posted On: 05/17/2008 7:14PM||View swine's Profile | #|
A++++++, would read again!
|Posted On: 05/17/2008 7:19PM||View Bill_Murray_Fan_...'s Profile | #|
|Posted On: 05/17/2008 7:28PM||View TeeKayEff's Profile | #|
MySpace Tom Posted:
High on nutmeg, are we?
Because seriously, that didn’t make any sense.
|Posted On: 05/18/2008 6:57AM||View King Krimson's Profile | #|
King Krimson Posted:
OBLIVIOUS TO DRUG USE IRL ARE WE?
|Posted On: 05/18/2008 7:05AM||View FoetalBlowjob's Profile | #|