Winners to be posted here:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
A little girl lived next door to a vacant lot where a house was being built. Every day she would go and chat to the builders as they worked. Eventually, the builders looked on her as a sort of mascot, so they gave her a little construction helmet and at the end of the week they gave her a little pay packet with five dollars in it.
The little girls Mother said, ‘We’ll take it to the bank and open a savings account’. When they got to the bank, the little girl went to the teller and asked to open an account and her Mother explained how the little girl earned the money.
‘Well’, said the bank teller, ‘you earned this money building a house, did you’?
‘Yes’ said the little girl.
‘Will you still be building houses next week’ asked the teller?
The little girl replied ‘I will if those woman's genitalss at the hardware centre ever deliver the ****ing bricks’
Charles Norris Posted:
A young boy was on a plane with his mother. As they waited to taxi tot he runway, he saw all the large planes, and a confused look crossed his face. He turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, if big dogs, have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
His mother turned a bewildered look on him, and needing to pbum the buck, she answered, flustered, “Well son, I think you should ask the flight attendant. She knows everything about planes.”
So the young boy, walks up to the attendant, and poses the question to her as well.
The flight attendant smiles huge, and answers cheerily, “The reason there are no baby planes is because this airline always pulls out on time. Now have your mother explain that to you.
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my god!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh…...equipment?”.
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??,” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....
Good Lord, she’s fainted !!
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you
are embarrbumed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying
that…that phrase in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman
responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I want to bumure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But… I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. “Yes, he did.”
“Who was he?” he asks.
The old woman drops her head, trying to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. She gulps down her wine and finally, she says, “You.”
Bob the electrician hired a new bumistant, who is picking up the job as he follows his boss around. He is puzzled by Bob’s method of testing for mains voltage. Bob wets his finger, stands on one leg, and touches the wire. One day Bob stayed home and left his bumistant to finish some jobs. Not sure whether the blue wire is live or not, the young apprentice wets his finger, stands on one leg and touches it….
The next day Bob goes to visit his employee in hospital where he is recovering from the shock.
What happened?” asks Bob.
“I was testing for power, just like you do”.
“Did you wet your finger?”
“Did you stand you stand on one leg?”
“I did ”.
“And” asks Bob, “have you got a wooden leg?”
In Pharmacology all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Alve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of goverment experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course, ibepokin
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, “Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I’ll be goddamned if I am going to wait my bum on line anymore.” “Please”, says the woman. “I won’t have that kind of language in this bank.” “Well excuse me, but this ****in’ check ain’t drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin’ away about my language.” “Sir, I don’t have to take this abuse” she says. “Well then let’s get the ****in’ manager okay? I mean what kind of **** is this I have to take from you?” The manager is summoned, and says “What seems to be the problem?” The woman says, “This man is using vulgar language and I won’t stand for it.” The man says “Hey alls I’m trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ’s sake is deposit this ****in’ check for 15 million dollars.” The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says “And this ****in’ **** won’t help you?”
MC Banhammer Posted:
There were five country churches in a small Texas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But — The Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter …..
Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called cirgreat timescision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.
Extra Credit Winner #1
Not jokes per se, but these glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison,” and he said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”- John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford (one flash & it’s gone. ha)
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
Extra Credit Winner #2
A koala is sitting up in a gum tree … smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, “Hey Koala ! What are you doing?” The koala says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”
So the koala looks down at him and says:
“Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude … how much water did you drink?!!”
Extra credit Winner #3
Lessons in manegment:
Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with Nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the Tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a hunter who shot him from the tree.
Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the bumhole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the bumhole being the Boss.
So the bumhole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the bumhole should be the Boss, so the motion was pbumed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and pbumed out the sh*t!
You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any bumhole will do.
Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A pbuming cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!
Extra Credit Winner #4
CoreyJess edited this message on 08/31/2008 8:59PM
This guy had just moved into his new apartment. When he was down checking the mail he ran into a gorgeous girl who immediately strikes up a conversation with him. She was wearing a robe, and he noticed she had nothing on underneath.
After a while, she stops and says, “Hey, I think I hear someone coming. Why don’t we talk up in my room.” He diligently follows her, and as soon as he steps into the room she shuts the door, strips off her robe, and says, “Tell me, what is my best feature?” The man stares dumbfounded, then shyly mumbles, “your ears.”
“My ears?” she asked, obviously upset, “You look at this perfect body and you say my ears? Why?”
He looks away and replies, “Because when you said you heard someone coming, it was me.”