A man is walking though the forest late at night. All of the sudden, a grizzly bear leaps from the darkness, roaring ferociously. Falling too the ground, the man absentmindedly shouts, “Oh my God!” Just as soon as the final word leaves his mouth, time stops around him. The man can feel no wind, the forest is silent, the bear is perfectly still, with it’s saliva suspended in mid-air. Then the man hears a booming voice from above.

“ALL OF YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME! AND NOW YOU CHOOSE ONLY IN THIS MOMENT OF LIFE-THREATENING DANGER TO CALL UPON MY NAME? WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY?”

The man replies, “I was stupid! But I believe now! Please, I only want to ask you for one thing! Can you make this bear a believer, just as I have? Then I can go home, and this godless beast can be saved!”

“VERY WELL,” booms the voice of God, and the man snaps back in to real time. The bear stops roaring, and begins to kneel upon the ground. The man is confused, but then the bear bows it’s head and puts it’s paws together. The man realizes that the bear is praying, and is relieved that his plea to God had succeeded. Just then, the bear opens it’s mouth to speak:

“Dear Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to recieve…”

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A man is walking down the beach, and something shiny in the sand catches his eye. He goes to dig it up, and realizes that it’s one of those old oil lamps, the kind that genies come out of in all the cartoons. He laughs to himself about finding such a quirky item, and then just to be funny, he gives it a rub. Then, to his surprise, smoke begins to pour from the lamp. The smoke begins to swirl around until soon there is a real, live genie standing in front of him.

“I don’t believe this!” the man says. “Am I really going to get three wishes?”

“Yes,” replies the genie. “But there is a catch! Who is the person that you hate the most?”

“That would be my boss,” answers the man, after a moment of consideration.

“Then for every wish that I grant you, your boss will recieve that same wish twofold!”

“Okay then. That’s not so bad. I’ll take those wishes.” The man thinks for a moment, and then says, “I wish I had a billion dollars.” The genie claps, and there is a flash of light.

“When you return home and go to the bank, you discover that a billion dollar deposit has been made to your account. However, your boss has recieved two billion dollars!”

“Whatever. I wish that I had a sprawling mansion full of beautiful women to fulfill my every need.” The genie claps and once again, there is a flash of light. The genie hands him a peice of paper.

“This paper has your new adress on it. However, you will find that your next-door neighbor is your boss, who now has a mansion twice as big, filled with twice as many women!”

“That’s okay,” says the man. “Now, about that third wish…

I want you to take this peice of driftwood, and beat me half to death.”