L2 Posted:

Baaack off, ****er. If any1’s going to enjoy Janie, itz me. Log in to see images!

There is no cause for concern. Ms. Janie will not come to any harm within our hands. We merely wish to speak to her regarding this incident and a few other incidents that we believe she may have input on.

i swear, i didn’t have anything to do with biff’s murder!

i mean, his disappearance. he’s disappeared, right? that’s why you’re asking janie to come down to the station, yeah?

biff has been missing since that night he slept with janie. she told me. she, um, came over to my house the next morning. i picked her up, that is, at the motel where she and biff consummated their true love bond, and she spent the rest of the morning at my house. while my parents were asleep in their room. don’t bother to ask them anything about it, because they won’t know, because they were asleep.

they voted for mccain. i mean, not while they were asleep, obviously. but during the primary.

so yeah. i don’t know anything about biff.

Susy Thunder Posted:

I’m sorry, Ms . . . Ms. Kali, is it? Yes, you were the one whose trash we discovered the champagne bottle in. You say that you picked her up? This was after she claimed that she woke up and Biff was gone already? Very interesting. Perhaps you, too, should accompany us. It’s the black car with the tinted windows and no license plates. I’m quite sure that you might be relevant to our investigations, particularly given some of the discarded data CDs we also discovered in your trash due to a completely legal and relevant investigation that we were engaged in.

i’m sorry, i feel — i feel very confused. i was just released from the hospital, you see. i had a little accident, and the doctors gave me these pills that make everything fuzzy.

now that i think about it, i’m not sure i recall any of those events at all. i remember janie telling me it all happened. she repeated it over and over again. i’m so confused. was it real or was it all a dream?

where’s aleks? where’s trent?

oh, god, i feel like the whole world is spinning!

Well, duh, of course you found a broken champagne bottle with Biff’s blood on it. Biff’s gums were bleeding from all the hot, hot kissing we were doing, then he drank right out of the bottle. We were toasting our love.

I’m not getting in anyone’s car. Do you even know how rich my dad is?

Janie Posted:

Well, duh, of course you found a broken champagne bottle with Biff’s blood on it. Biff’s gums were bleeding from all the hot, hot kissing we were doing, then he drank right out of the bottle. We were toasting our love.

I’m not getting in anyone’s car. Do you even know how rich my dad is?

Perhaps you should check what I said again. The bottle had a hairline fracture consistent with the blow that Biff received. That is unconnected with any bleeding gum story.

Your father may be rich, but there is much about him that you do not know. We do know. We also know where Biff is right now. Again, we strongly feel that both you and Ms. Kali would be best advised to step into the car, not talk to Aleks, and ignore any accusations of confusion or signs of mental illness that purportedly result from our perfectly harmless interviews.

Susy Thunder Posted:

Your father may be rich, but there is much about him that you do not know. We do know. We also know where Biff is right now.

Where is he? He was talking about his mugging, and then he was gone! I bumume he’s off buying me a CD of my favorite music to give me when we reunite. Are you trying to say otherwise?

Biff? Biff? Plz post in here and tell these people we’re in love and to leave us alone!

People don’t understand me, or our love. Why won’t the world just let us be?! It’s like Romeo and Juliet but darker. Hm…I think I feel a poem coming on. BRB.

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Janie Posted:

Where is he? He was talking about his mugging, and then he was gone! I bumume he’s off buying me a CD of my favorite music to give me when we reunite. Are you trying to say otherwise?

Biff? Biff? Plz post in here and tell these people we’re in love and to leave us alone!

People don’t understand me, or our love. Why won’t the world just let us be?! It’s like Romeo and Juliet but darker. Hm…I think I feel a poem coming on. BRB.

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Oh, you’ll see him again. He may be a bit . . . different, but you’ll see him again. You shouldn’t even notice the differences if we’ve done our job properly.

Er. Never mind that. We always do our job properly.

Additionally, Ms. Kali, we’ll still need to talk to you about where these data CDs originated from and who this person — apparently nicknamed after an item of clothing — is and how he got them.

Biff! See, he’s fine. You’re all making a big deal out of nothing. Biff, if that’s Biff 2, he likes crickets. Give him a meal and he’ll calm right down. You can even pet him.

If it’s Janie 2 (she’s a little smaller and browner), she loves grbumhoppers (you can tell the difference between grbumhoppers and crickets, right?). While she’s munching on one, just slip a paper cup over her and slide her onto a piece of cardboard. Then you can pop her into a box or a jar. She loves to be spoiled and talked to.

If you put them in the same box, they’ll mate. That’s something special to watch.

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If I were Juliet

And you were Romeo

We wouldn’t ever worry

What other people know

We’d leave that town Verona,

And move out to the hills,

And spend our evenings making love,

and trying different pills.

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Oh, that’s just Biff. Always horsing around. Have you read any of his other posts on this message board? Go read a few and tell me if he seems any different whatsoever, or if this one makes any less sense.

So the lovemaking got a little…enthusiastic. It involved bottles and blood. Since when is that anything to worry about?

Biff? Did you find Biff 2 and Janie 2? Whatever you do, make sure you don’t call them “tiny lobsters of death”. They really hate that.

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