King Krimson Posted:

Don’t post that here, you fool! You’ll ruin the illusion!

But I must make a XXXbloodyrists666XXX alt and send mbumive amounts of hatemail to you!

I just finished reading this thread, and it is absurdly awesome. You, my old bean, are the ****. PLEASE continue posting these, I don’t laugh out loud that often with stuff on the computer (if you know what I mean, like somehow reading is a different sort of amusement to seeing something physically happen; I hypothesise laughter is a social device sort of thing, and as reading isn’t social you aren’t ‘required’ to do it, enough of my dribble however), but I have quite nearly ****ed myself with laughter. I am of the opinion that it is false, but so what? I mean, that takes NOTHING from the humour of it, it’s still there and funny as hell. In short, please continue doing these, your great work is something I enjoy very much.

Okay, after a long hiatus, I’m back. I wish I could say I’m happy to be back, but I’m not. In fact, I’ve just been putting reading this filth off time and time again. Oh, I have a free period to go over My Immortal. Joy. OR, I could watch children’s cartoons semi ironically. There are many, many other excuses, but if I list them all here we’ll never get to the story. And what a story it is, huh?

As for the people who were waiting for this, you have earned my undisguised contempt. You just couldn’t let it lie, could you?

Chapter 23

AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!

I see Ebony has become no less eloquent since I left. That’s a relief. I was afraid that I may be able to read this chapter without forgetting every acceptable literary convention that I have ambumed in my short life. And it seems that Ebony has ambumed knowledge of the books series, too. What does this change? Absolutely nothing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily. Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.

“The sawing killed Ebony and friends, bringing this story to it’s overdue end. It’s a spelling mistake? Again? God, when will they just die?

“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!”

IRONIC CENSORSHIP IS IRONIC. And ‘Mr’. Way? Eh, at this point, nothing surprises me.

Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.

I AM DUMBLEDORE! I AM SHOUTING VERY LOUDLY FOR NO APPARENT REASON!

“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her.

I bet he did. If you know what I mean nudge-nudge wink-wink.

“She means hi everybody great times in!”

She’s just not trying anymore, is she? I remember a time when I found making lewd jokes satisfying. Where have those times gone?

Well we all came in angrily.

See what I mean?

So did all the other students.

Sounds like the office is going to need a serious clean-up. :Sigh: No, my heart’s just not in it.

I sat between Darkness

I’m confused. Is this Ginny, or has Ebony somehow cloned herself? I hope for my sanity that it’s the former.

and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary. Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes.

More morbid than this fanfic? I doubt it.

They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo.

I don’t know who this person is. Should I? I don’t give a **** either way. Also, If she bones either Crabbe or Goyle, I am going to shove rusty nails into my eyes.

I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup.

As opposed to a mug, a bowl, a novelty glbum or the Holy Grail.

Then I herd someone shooting angrily.

BANG, ****S! I AM SO FULL OF ANGST RIGHT NOW! BANG! BANG!

I looked behind me it was………Vampire!

No surprises here.

He and Draco were shooting at eachother.

I wish. In fact, it’s just another bloody spelling mistake. I had a pound for every spelling mistake in this fic, I would be a very rich man by now. A VERY rich man.

“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.

As does every other sane reader of this blasphemous piece of ****. Ebony is narcissistic, very special, and very possibly morbidly obese. Why is she worth fighting over?

“You ****ing bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to **** next to her!1”

**** ON her more like, you perverse freak. Your depravity knows no bounds. That said, I too would like to **** on Ebony, for totally different reasons.

“No I do!” shouted.

“Dumbledore, creating a very awkward atmosphere in the room.”

“No she doesn’t ****ing like u, you son of a ****!” yelled Draco.

I call this statement into question, because it has been categorically proven that Ebony likes everyone.

“No **** you **** she laves me not you!”

A compelling bit of dialogue there. Vampire must be the one for Ebony, because she ‘laves’ him! I realize that at this point I’m just recapping events, but I’m not sure I could make this sentence any more ridiculous if I tried.

shouted Vampire. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv)

If you thought it could be interpreted that way, then obviously you’re the pervert, not me. Ebony has bizarrely conflicting views on sex. If it involves her in some way, then no problem! It’s going in the story! If anything that could be interpreted as dirty doesn’t involve her, then obviously you’re a sex obsessed maniac for even thinking about it, you deviant sgreat times.

They started to fight and beat up each other.

So, they’re slapping and scratching each other. Got it.

Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop.

At this point in the story, Dumbledore has about as much authority as a slice of pre-packaged cheese. He couldn’t yell his way out of a non-existent paper bag.

All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe.

If Voldemort could just waltz into Hogwarts anytime he liked, he would have killed Harry long ago. MAKE SENSE, DAMN IT!

All the glbum in the window he flew thru fell apart. Britney that ****ing prep started to cry.

Nice show of respect for your fellow human beings there, Ebony.

Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….

Just as well. Somebody could have broken a nail.

I shopped eating….

No question about it, Ebony is morbidly obese. If the only thing that stops her eating is a crazed maniac bursting through the window, it’s a wonder her gravitational pull hasn’t dragged us into the sun yet.

Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort!

Shock. Horror. Soiled underwear, and all that. Are we done yet?

“Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer

Holy ****. WRONG ****ING CONTINUITY!

sed evilly in his raspy voice. “Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!”

There’s probably a flaw in this plan, but at the moment I can’t seem to find it.

“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t realize it would traumatize you so badly. Please accept my humble apologies. So, uh, I’d better be off. I have puppies to enjoy and orphanages to burn down.”

“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he flew away cackling.

The only reasonable explanation for Voldemort to concoct this plan is to elaborately torture Ebony. If that truly is the case, then he has my blessing.

I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me.

“I’m not entirely sure she’s meant to bend this way, Draco.”

“Who the **** actually cares?”

“Good point. Let us continue!”

Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic.

“And not at all like a crappy Photoshop made by a twelve year old! Even I could make a picture like that, and my program of choice is MS Paint.

I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.

If one is going to be killed, one would usually look for a way out of their current predicament, not speed it along. Oh yeah, this is ‘My Immortal’ we’re talking about. Never mind.

“No!” I screamed sexily. Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.

So important, it is referred to as ‘the’ vision, instead of ‘a’ vision. Even Ebony’s fever dreams have delusions of grandeur.

“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.

Of course she is, you pillock. We still have twenty one chapters left to go.

“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.

“I’m so touched you’re concerned for my safety. Not.”

“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive.

And thus, Harry won the award for ‘most blatantly untrue rebumurance of the year.’

“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”

Demonic Possession. It only exists in ****ty sequels, apparently.

“Its ok gurl.”

I think that we have established that it’s not.

said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”

Oh joy, another foul mouthed original character! I simply cannot wait to meet this ‘Proffesor Sinister’!

“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.

Where, exactly?

Well, that’s it for another riveting chapter of ‘My Immortal’. Bizarrely, I was listening to ‘The thing that should not be’ while I wrote this. I do not believe that these two events were coincidences. See you next time.

Oh god this is awesome.

MOAR!

You won’t get any rest till you finish all of it.

Let me be the n+1[sub]th[/sub] to ask for moar. Also, this horrid piece of fan fiction, along with the commentary -of course- should become a book. Both for amusement and as a cautionary example to horny 13-year-old girls who just learned to use the internets.

King Krimson Posted:

I could say the same of you, Herrick. When are you going to finish that epic sue story you have?

****Log in to see images!

I had hoped everyone had forgotten that so I wouldn’t have to suffer though it. Suppose a deal is a deal.

How about a Mary sue filled with delicious angst?

King Krimson Posted:

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look here.

Excuse me. I have to go lie down.

She spells alot better than her fanfic, so it’s easier on the eyes.

One thousand positive reviews compared to the tens of thousands of negative reviews.

Now, I’m no mathematician, but something is clearly up with your calculation.

Enoby Posted:

Log in to see images! OMG I cant beleive you guys ar ehere! i told you to stop flamming me. i fukkin hat you and I hope you die in a fire. fukkin prepps!

your just jelous anyways because your loosers and ev’ry one knows it LOL. Log in to see images!

P.S. i’ve had over 1000 posetive revoiws of my novel so far. So fuk off.

The real Enoby spells alot worse. So I call shaningans.