So telekensis = psychic.

King Krimson Posted:

So, chapter 10 is next. That, uh, that competition is still open, you know. Just throwing it out there. Isn’t there a fanfiction you really, really hate? One you want savaged? Since no one has actually entered, even someone typing ‘LOL’ all over my story would win. Don’t do that though. Not that. I might get depressed. And then I won’t write any more. Sigh. See you next time, I guess. Or not. I don’t really care either way. (Seriously though the compo… You don’t care, do you? Ah well. It was worth a shot. See you next time!)

For all the hilarity your ripping on this fanfic has given us I’ll have a go at blowing a load of hate over your one. I’ll also try to find a suitably pathetic FF to be savaged (so that will be some random anime I’ve never heard or care about and set the genre filter to “angst” ).

King Krimson Posted:

P.S.S – How many people are reading this? My curiosity must be sated.

Well everyone on the forums I frequent and MSN contacts list for a start.

Well my attempt…

You there. Yes you, with the robe pulled up to your face.

I think you have a mistake, I don’t do stupid wizard threads.

Come here. I heard you’ve been asking about me. The mysterious man with no name. Everyone in this bar has a story to tell. Why are you so interested in mine?

I honestly have no idea, it’s already clear you are unable to use paragraphs and I’m sure half of the yahoos in your mind could come up with more interesting ****e.

I see. ‘I seem familiar’. You sure you want to hear my story? It’s not pretty. You won’t like the ending.

I don’t even like the beginning…

Okay then. For as long as I can remember, I had two friends in my village. One boy and one girl. We would play outside when it wasn’t so dark, when the danger was lowest. We would make believe that we were Vampire Hunters, slaying the great menace that stalks our lands.

Did you act as bad as the rejects in Buffy the Vampire slayer?

We would alternate between hunter and hunted, good and evil. I see a glint of recognition in your eyes. Maybe you used to do the same? Anyway, the deep friendship I felt about my lady companion eventually grew to something more. I never spoke of it though. In the end, it was too late.

Typical, not ten minutes in and you’re gabbing off about never getting a girl. Baaaaw, cry more emo kid.

My other companion evidently felt the same way about her as I did, and so he proposed. She agreed, and inside my heart was broken.

Is that it? No courtship or anything. Christ if you’re gonna have a romance driven plot at least elaborate a little.

I still loved her, even though she was now never to be mine. Do not think I ever tried acting on my feelings, as some are wont to do. I am, after all, a gentleman. Some years pbumed, and eventually, the vampire threat selected our village.

So from you losing your love of your life to vampires attacking your village in what, 3 lines? You really don’t like depth do you?

Our children were stolen in the night, and our women were defiled. Many brave men tried to fight back, and after a while they pin-pointed the source of the attacks. Of course, they all perished in the counter-attacks, rest their souls.

You do know that Vampires feed on virgins and turn them into vampires as well not just “steal kids and enjoy women”.

All that was left of them in the morning was their severed heads pinned to their homes. Each one of them had the most terrifying expression, locked in place for the rest of eternity. BY this time my friends and I had become vampire slayers.

BY this time? Gosh what’s with the caps?

We were away purifying a nest of the foul creatures when our kinsmen fought back, so don’t think for one second that we sat back while our friends and family were slaughtered.

I was more interested in when you were gonna shut up rather then if you could actually fight anything.

When we heard of the atrocity, we immediately set out to combat the demonic foe. While the villagers had pitchforks and torches, we had holy water and sharpened stakes. Due to our experience, I thought they would fall easily.

If they were gonna fall so easily then why did they all get killed and decapitated earlier?

I had no idea at the time that this was to be the worst night of my life. It started routinely enough. We came across a few of the abhorrent creatures sleeping just inside the wood. We slew them where they slept. As we went deeper, however, I started to become uneasy. Why weren’t we meeting more resistance?

Because they were asleep you gigantic retard?

I know now, of course, but at the time I had absolute trust in my ‘friend’. They attacked all at once. Two of us tried to fight them off, but he just stood there. Watched as she was pinned down. Watched as his wife was ravaged. Watched as the woman I loved was torn apart. I lived that day. But at the same time, I died.

Oh how melodramatic, you do know that if he was just standing there that means only 1 of you were fighting them off? Jesus counting to 2 isn’t hard.

I couldn’t find his body, but I did bury all that I could find of my love. I know what happened now. Later on, there were talks of a ‘Vampire King’. One that is human, but consorts with the night. He sold his soul for power. I sold mine for revenge.

Selling souls, best friends betraying you, love of your life killed. Is there any over used plot twist you’ve yet to soil?

That’s why I came here. I heard that the King had set his sights on this village. I would find him, and exact my vengeance. And now, finally, I find you. You bastard.

Considering I’m apparently your friend (god help me) wouldn’t I have remembered doing all this?

It may have been one- hundred years since I last saw you, but don’t think I could forget the person who tore my world apart. Don’t move. Not that you could, anyway. I’ve learned a few new tricks since that night. I am going to make you suffer, as she suffered.

You even think about molesting me and you’ll be walking funny for the rest of your life.

Each day you will beg for a death that cannot be granted. And I’m not going anywhere either. I’m marked too. The mark of Cain. Eternal life, and for you, my friend; eternal pain.

So wait…was there any story at all here? This is possibly the skimpiest **** I’ve ever read. You barely spend any time on any one point and then just end saying I’ll suffer? Well mission ****ing accomplished, I don’t think I’ll ever erase this from my brain.

Copyright 2008 King Krimson. Please don’t try to pbum this work off as your own, as that would be illegal. Have fun!

Not quite sure why anyone would want to be bumociated with you but don’t worry your little head about it.

Pretty ****ing hard since there isn’t actually that much inherently wrong with it. No obvious spelling or grammatical errors I can see aside from a lack of paragraphs. It’s actually not that badLog in to see images! Herrick edited this message on 06/13/2008 8:17PM

That was awesome. Though. You missed out. Several times. When my. character talks like. This. I think he may be the worlds first asthmatic Vampire Hunter. I just hope the examining board isn’t as harsh as you, or I am boned.

I can see I’m going to have a lot of fun with those harvest moon fanfictions. You really scraped the bottom of the barrel, didn’t you?

I want to believe it’s a very meticulous troll.

Nobody could be so stupid to post such ****.

King Krimson Posted:

Herrick, if you actually wrote about my review on another forum, can I have the link to the discussion, please? I am a feedback whore, and every good review gives me strength when I realise there are 35 chapters left to deface. And I will review all of them. That’s a promise.

Well I have msn chatlogs the current thread you’ve been mentioned in just has some guy complaining the main forumwarz game is too hard

Ok, maybe I’m just not up to what exactly ‘goth’ is, but the “author” makes several references to the band Good Charlotte as well as member Joel Madden. Now, isn’t he the one that is boinking Nicole Richie? or is he the one who is boinking Paris Hilton? Doesn’t sound like a very ‘goth’ thing to do, if you ask me. Besides, I always thought they were more of the skate-punk type.

Any help sorting this mess out before my head explodes from all the illogic?

...Cow

In advance, I apologise for the potential lack of funny. I have had the most unproductive cold for the past few days, and it may have affected my writing skills.

I can’t think of anything clever to say here, so just make a sentence up for yourself, or something.

Chapter 10

AN: stup it u gay fabulous persons

Isn’t this a contradiction? Would a ‘gay fabulous person’ be a person raised in a homosexual household who then turns out to be straight? Or maybe the author is just an awful writer? I wonder which?

if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

‘They moved houses because they were evil’. How many times have YOU moved house Ebony? I’m guessing that most of the time it’s for fear of your own worthless life rather than the neighbours being ****-scared of you.

XXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

That is the most generic sounding black metal band name EVER. It’s like Ebony has some bizarre talent for the mediocre.

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

Since these bands are awful, I’m guessing that Ebony’s would physically hurt you to listen to it.

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, we proudly present the master of the mundane, the expert of the everyday; the average magician DIABOLO!

and Hargrid.

Hagrid is basically the only main character not to be bastardised yet. I wonder what Ebony has in store for him? It probably involves whips and bondage gear. Now that’s an unpleasant mental image.

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too

Remember this: This is important.

and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)

OBJECTION! I’m sorry, it just had to be done.

or a steak)

Vampires are dangerously allergic to cows. Just like cats, it seems.

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

Oh no you don’t. You are not bringing Tim Burton into this travesty.

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my mammary glands and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the bum. You might think I’m a **** but I’m really not.

I beg to differ. We’ve basically got nine chapters where you discuss your sexual misadventures with Draco, a boy you only met two days ago. If those aren’t clear signs of a ****, I don’t know what is.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’

Your ****ty metal band can’t even write it’s own songs, you pathetic waste of skin? I’m not surprised.

and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

As did the audience. Though they were hurting long before you were.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

I’m not sure that your spell checker is being entirely truthful, Ebony. However, even the Spellchecker of the Gods could help this car crash.

“What the **** do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the ****ing bastard told me to ****ing kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will ****ing kill Draco!”

I like how she ****ing used the ****ing word **** in all the most ****ing inappropriate ****ing places.

I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

Much like the natives in Indiana Jones IV, he was walled up until the dramatically appropriate time presented itself. Unfortunately for him, he had to eat his own arm to fight off the hunger.

“Why didn’t you ****ing tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you ****ing poser muggle ****!” (c is dat out of character?)

Since he was the one yelling ‘You don’t understand!’ only a few chapters ago, he’s completely out of character and the worst hypocrite in the entire world. Not that I expected any less form you, Ebony.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

If this were a film, all the raw emotion in this sentence would be sure to garner it an Academy Award. Oh wait, I forgot that this fic is ****ING TERRIBLE.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

With you, Ebony, every time is headache time, if only for your sheer stupidity.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely.

I’m betting you saw that word somewhere but don’t know what it means. It means ‘everything this fic is not’.

(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

If you’ve been paying attention you should know what’s wrong with this sentence. I can only imagine that even the author was so repulsed by this story that she refused to go back and check it over for continuity issues. Even so, directly contradicting something that you stated a few paragraphs ago is really bad form. F-. See me after school, where I will beat you to death with an iron kettle.

We’ve got a bit of a change next week, as I attempt to bear the horror of an awful Harvest Moon fanfiction. Thanks to Herrick for destroying my decent short story and then destroying my dreams. I’ll see you next time.

Oh, and I’ve been experimenting with interactive fiction. We’ll see where that leads, shall we? How about ‘My Immortal: The Text Adventure’? And with that soul-crushing note, I bid you adieu.

I loved the objection. Also awesome text adventure.

I would of gone down the path of a new arrival at this hogwarts.