Salvador Posted:

I propose a game through the eyes of a Marty Stu that is also aware that he is fictional, while acting disgruntled because of it. As he is dragged into this overly unrealistic story, he acts in a “dear God, another description of me that’s three paragraphs long?” kind of way -see Woodland Critter Christmas (South Park ep.). It’s funny ‘cause it’s breaking the fourth wall, and if the unseen narrator spoke in the author’s writing “style”, you have the three ideas combined. But I don’t want to suggest too much.

This tbh.

Breaking the 4th wall can be awesome if done right.

King Krimson, I’m quite impressed with how you savaged those fanfic! How can you read that **** and stay sane and lucid and funny? Log in to see images!

Oh, and here’s a “MEDIOCRE DUNCE” image macro for you, hope you like it:

Log in to see images! xXxJUNEGUY1xXx edited this message on 06/22/2008 7:24PM

Nope, none at all. It was randomly generated when I signed up here. Why do you ask? Log in to see images!

sop pciking on Eony! u jus dunt unerstnd goffick! os go dei u preps!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

King Krimson Posted:

I also have a new obsession. Search for Limbo of the Lost on google. These are Epic times, my friends, Epic times.

Plagiarism = win Log in to see images!

Back again, for reasons I still cannot fathom. Before we begin, though, let me tell you something about myself. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I wrote a short story for the threshold competition, which at the moment I cannot find any info about online. This story (well, half of it) was one of the few to make it into the book. This means, that at the verge of puberty, I was a published author. Now let’s look at Ebony’s story. Yeah. You’ve got it. I was a better author when I was 12 than Ebony was when she was on the cusp of adulthood. Why they don’t introduce some kind of culling program is still a mystery to me.

Oh yeah, I’ve discovered her real name. It is Tara Gilesbie. The end is nigh for you Tara. I’m also on Google. Search for ‘My Immortal worst fanfiction ever’. I’m the sixth result. And now, what you’ve all been dreading. Chapter 11.

Chapter 11

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111

Is that a promise? You’re going to have to work hard to over throw the stupidity of the first ten chapters.

it delz wit rly sris issus!

I doubt it. To you, a serious issue usually ends with a teacher yelling ‘Motherfuker!’

sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

If I were you Raven, I’d get out of there as soon as I can.

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied!

So Draco killed himself. Seeing as the author lists suicide as one of her favourite things, I guess we should have seen this coming. This still doesn’t explain how Draco actually managed to kill himself, what with him being immune to razors and all.

B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her **** off

With friends like Ebony who needs enemies? I have never seen someone react so aggressively to an attempted comforting. Maybe it’s just because I’m not goffik enough.

and I ran to my room crying myself.

“Grammar? GRAMMAR? GRAMMAR!!!”

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Political correctness gone way too far. If you have to barge into a room to stop someone from, oh I don’t know, KILLING THEMSELVES, then you should be hailed as a hero, not a paedophile.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood

If vampires need blood to survive, why waste that precious commodity on tears? How does the blood find it’s way into the tear ducts? Why don’t vampire bodies contain any water? These questions will never, ever be answered, as Ebony is a ****ty writer.

and then I slit both of my wrists.

So do you die or don’t you? What counts as continuity in this bizarre nightmare land?

They got all over my clothes

“I’m just going to rub my bleeding wrists all over my clothes! What a tremendous idea!”

so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

Thereby destroying you eardrums.

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

A delicious, if impractical way to commit suicide. Is this is the cow to end Ebony, then that cow did not die in vain.

I was so ****ing depressed!

So am I. For completely different reasons you understand; most of them involve you.

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.

And here I was thinking she had given up describing her strange and nonsensical wardrobe. Way to prove me wrong, Ebony.

I couldn’t ****ing believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!

He probably just wants to see you kill yourself. I know I do.

And Loopin was masticating to it!

“Mmm, this sandwich… This sandwich is delicious. Seriously man. You… Wait, are you filming a underage girl? Gross, man! Gross!”

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

Sexual innuendo. Aww Yeah.

“EW, YOU ****ING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!”

Didn’t you just describe yourself putting on clothes just a few sentences ago? Are they invisible clothes? Were they imaginary clothes? Are you just dense? I think I know the answer.

I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.

Terrifying. Did you know Marilyn Manson had two pairs of his ribs removed so that he could fellate himself? It’s true. I read it on the internet.

Suddenly Vampire ran in.

So was he listening at the door? That’s all kinds of weird.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

LOL Wut.

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times

It’s a magic gun with magic bullets. Shocking new evidence reveals that Ebony bumbuminated JFK!

and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

Hilarious mental image there. “Hold me Snape!” “Lupin! Lupin I’m so sorry!” “ARRRGHH!” Comedy gold.

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Should have checked the sex offenders list before you hired them. Now it’s your bum on the line, Dumblydore.

he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

I appear to have lost the ability to talk in speech marks. I think I may be telepathic. This frightens and confuses me.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

My new favourite quote coming up. Wait for it…

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

Hagrid thought of this line this morning and has been waiting patiently for the perfect time to say it. It still doesn’t make any sense though.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

2 X 2 X 5 X 5 = lunacy.

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Snape is only divisible by himself or one. This makes him a prime number. I stopped caring about common sense long, long ago.You would too, if you were reviewing this garbage.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

SHOCK! HORROR! BIG WORDS!

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

I don’t know on account of the fact I’m not a cannibal. Stop bumuming all the readers are as weird as you are.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

“Because you were jerking of to a 17 year old girl. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

Ebony isn’t even trying to make sense any more. Onward, magical banana monkey! Together we will conquer the mushroom kingdom! Huzzah!

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

Hagrid, in bondage gear, swaying, singing goffic 50 cent. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the stuff of nightmares.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

Hagrid just yelled out at the top of his lungs that he was a Satanist. I think we can safely bumume that he sacrifices goats on a regular basis.

“Because I LOVE HER!”

Good God. This could not get any creepier. I thought Hagrid was one of the good guys? Ugh. I literally have nothing else to say. Just ugh. Later guys.

Fix’d.

Thanks for that!

...I…I think a small part of me has just died. Like the time I realized I had spent over 60 hours on DMC2.

Firstly, I must say King, your commentary is golden.

Secondly, has anyone noticed the over-abundance of made-up band-themed objects? Oh wait, never mind. This is a aberration to logic we’re speaking of. I think the crapflood has addled my brain.

After the stunning revelation that Lupin, Snape and Hagrid are paedophiles, how will Ebony shock us this time? Maybe Draco isn’t dead? Maybe an important object hitherto unmentioned will appear? Maybe Ebony and vampire will have brief, unfulfilling sex? We can but read on, and stare into the unknown depravities of chapter 12.

Chapter 12

N: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

Here, Ebony tries to make herself out to be some kind of twisted goffik version of sesame street. Stay away form teachers kids! They will try to enjoy you!

how du u no snap iant kristian

I’ve already addressed this. Snape can’t be a Christian because he is also a practitioner of the dark arts. Surprisingly, the two are mutually excusive. Also, he was spying on you while you were naked, therefore giving in to the sin of lust. In Christianity, this is only okay if you’re a catholic priest, and the object of your perverted attention is a small boy.

plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

So Hagrid is a paedophile because he professed his love to Ebony, yet Hagrid is actually Cedric, so Hagrid isn’t a paedophile. You can’t make this stuff up folks. Well, Ebony can, but I like to think she is not a eligible representative of the human race on the account that she’s a retard.

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him.

When was this? Why weren’t we informed? How could Draco afford a silver knife? Why is this written in bold? Why am I wasting my breath?

He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy

Why bother when you have the ‘gun with a bazillion bullets?’

but I knew that we must both go together.

I’d like to believe this is true, but there are 32 chapters left. This means that Ebony won’t die any time soon. Pity.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid

This sentence was so bizarre that I thought it deserved a mention, yet I can’t think of anything to say. I must be losing my touch. Caps lock abuse? Maybe?

but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!”

The scar hasn’t been mentioned thus far. You can just tell that Ebony is going to do something ridiculous to it. Seeing as Ebony has a great big stiffy for Satan, maybe it’s been turned into a pentagram?

and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

If you said ‘you could only see his bloodshot whites’ you’d sound like less of an idiot. Not that this would help you at this point.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

How did he know what? That Draco has been killed? Maybe it’s due to the fact that Dumbledore announced it to the school. It’s a secret to everyone, if you will.

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

Here it comes…

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

Wait for it…

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.”

Bingo! I must be psychic! To further bolster this claim, look back to chapter 5, where I said: “Professor Snape lurves the underage bonking.” What was revealed last chapter? That Professor Snape is a paedophile! Who called it? I did! Actually, the fact I can seemingly predict the future of terrible fanfictions is incredibly harrowing. Let us hope this ability never appears again.

he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!

No.

then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Voldemorts S&M schoolboys Volume 12.

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists.

You didn’t actually slit them. Remember? Oh wait. Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID

“I like to emphasize the fact that I can’t spell!”

were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those ****ing pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

Like you? Don’t make me laugh. They were only filming you so that they could make the next viral hit: ‘One girl and no cup, but boy is she ugly.’

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.

So he ate it and can’t push it out? Nasty. I can’t help but feel that it’s my imagination that’s going to cause me the most pain with this fic.

I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Oh. I thought you’d be comatose. I was gonna… You know. Have you ever seen ‘End of Evangelion?’ You haven’t? never mind.”

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Ebony, you are pregnant with my child. Surprise!”

“**** off.” I told him. “You know I ****ing hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like ****ed up preps like you.”

Spit in the face of kindness, why don’t you. Sure, he may be a creepy man child who is desperately in love with you, but roses smell nice! That’s got to count for something, right?

I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

Is this a common occurrence? Everyone hating you? I think I may know why.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“They’re actually cardamoms.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

Be grateful. What were you expecting, black roses decorated with miniature skulls? Don’t hold your breath.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.”

‘****’ is okay but ‘porn’ isn’t? Every time I think I’ve got you worked out you just run in another direction.

Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)

Surprisingly, no. This goes against all I have been taught to believe in.

to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.”

Get to the point already.

He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

This makes no sense. If you must quote something, wait for the right time, or else you’ll just make a fool out of yourself.

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

Snort.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

I don’t know what this means, but I have a better incantation. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! You may have just sang the lyrics to a song, or something, but I just invoked the mighty rage of the dread lord Cthulhu! I cannot wait for the day when he rises to purge the earth of humankind, and, by extension, you. A hammer to crack a nut, perhaps, but this is Ebony we’re talking about. No method is too extreme.

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

He’s also wearing bondage gear. That should have tipped you off.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

I’ve been asking myself the same question since the first day I laid eyes on this horrible excuse for literature. On a side note, I’ve run out of words that mean ‘bad’.

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame.

Watching you, watching me, watching you, watching me, watching you, watching me cry.

“2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)

Weak, at best. You’re just tenuously connecting your myriad of terrible reviews with actual fire. I’m hoping that this was added as an after thought, although since it’s you we’re talking about, I’m guessing you planned it specially.

u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

Cryptic words that mean nothing. Those are often the best kind. When they actually do mean something ‘I hope you packed a jumper’ comes to mean that ‘the Ragnarok is coming.’

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled.

That was uncalled for, though not entirely unexpected.

dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

MOTHERFUKERS!

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

La la la not listening la la la.

“You look kawai, girl.”

Oh, **** no. I thought we were safe. We seemed to be safe. But Ebony had to do it. Faux Japanese. The disease of all fanboys/girls and fanfiction writers. I have nothing against the Japanese. I like them, in fact. But I hate it when random words are taken out of their language and supplanted into our own. It just isn’t right.

B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit)

Damn you to hell.

you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

A bizarre and disturbing cycle. What is the point of all this, exactly?

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time.

They are currently incarcerated. I doubt they could spy on you even if they wanted to.

I went to some clbumes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.

Must be a pretty large magical creature. Boom boom.

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

Are there any teachers here? Why are you letting this psychopath kill your students? You’re all terrible, terrible people.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

Oh God no. Oh God.

Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

I’m not a ****, she said. Draco is the only goffik boy for me, she said. I don’t want people seeing me naked in an erotic video, she said. Lies. All lies.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle

This is more like it. Every thing that professor McGonagall says is pure gold. Much better than awkwardly written pornography.

who was watching us and so was everyone else.

Everyone? Yes. Everyone.

“Vampire you ****er!”

technically speaking, you’re a ****er too.

I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!”

You did encourage it, you filthy whore. I hope for Harry’s sake you used a condom.

I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!”

I’m guessing this is going to be a major theme in ‘My Immortal’.

and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

Ctrl-v is Ebonys friend.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

I’m positive that this was all written at the start of the chapter. This isn’t just bad writing, this is laziness.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Shocking, although you’ve already told us this. Was last time meant to be a flash forward? It doesn’t work like that.

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

Pbuming the torch, I see. No one could surpbum you, Ebony. No one at all.

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

I don’t really have anything to say. This was a long chapter wasn’t it? Let’s hope the next one is shorter. See you soon.