Today is a special day for me. I will celebrate by posting another awful, awful chapter of ‘My Immortal’. Yep, it’s time for chapter 7.

Chapter 7

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

I wouldn’t touch that spelling with a long pole, and if you had any sense, neither would you. Also, Ebony proves that the rise of Satanism is directly correlated to the Harry Potter series, or, more accurately, this particular fan fiction. I can only hope that Ebony is confined to the 9th circle of hell for this blasphemous piece of work.

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs.

Grammar, we miss you, and want you to come home.

I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

A goffik Mary Sue, yes.

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

Potter craves the male reproductive organ, you see. In this department, either Ebony or Draco will do.

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

Yes, yes, you and your ever so feminine boyfriend are going to **** each other senseless, I know. In Ebony’s case, that isn’t so hard to do, as she has precious little sense to begin with.

We started frenching pbumively

Oh ho HO. Trouble in Paradise, I see. Maybe this means no underage sex this chapter?

and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

Never mind, false alarm.

He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine

He put his boy thingy in your boy thingy? How does that work, exactly? On second thought, I’ve decided I really don’t want to know. On a completely unrelated note, why is someone who is so enthusiastic about the word ‘****’ so afraid to use the words ‘male reproductive organ’ and ‘woman's genitals’? Answers on a postcard, please.

and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

Considering that you’re currently on school property, both 17, and you’re not using a condom, I’d say that yes, it is pretty bloody stupid, you brazen hussy.

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm.

Probably that’s because you only met him yesterday.

It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

So am I. I’m bloody fur… I’ve made this joke before, haven’t I?

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded.

I’m pretty sure that Draco’s right in this particular situation. I wonder why?

But I knew too much.

Exactly the opposite, I’m afraid.

“No, you ****ing idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I really, REALLY hope that he does.

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out.

I’m not sure huffily is even a word, but my spell checker says otherwise, so I’m going to give Ebony the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what

‘male reproductive organ’. Come on, it’s not that hard. Uh, I mean it’s not that hard to say the word ‘male reproductive organ’. Not that I think Draco is hard or anything, because that would be gay, and at this pivotal stage of my life, gay thoughts are the last thing I need.

but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s clbumroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

Probably Ivory Abyss Alzheimer Jackdaw Path and prep #574.

“VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU ****!” I yelled.

Oh I see; she saw that tattoo as a sign of Draco’s infidelity! There are several problems with that bumumption. Allow me to list them all. First, a tattoo saying ‘I love vampire’ could quite possibly mean that Draco loves vampires, but that he was too cheap to afford the ‘s’. Secondly, since Draco has been having sex with Ebony for most of the fic, I would sincerely doubt he had the time or energy to engage in an enthusiastic round of buggery with Harry, let alone time enough to get that tattoo. Finally, this fic is horrible enough as it is without homoerotic content. It is for those three reasons, Ebony, that I am seriously considering finding out where you live, and giving your address to my goth friend who was, frankly, extremely offended by even the title of your work. If he lives up to his word, expect to meet an angry goth with a cricket bat very soon.

Welp, that’s the end of that chapter. If you excuse me, I’m going to read something more wholesome, like the Necronomicon. Until we meet again.

OK, this chapter is where I’m finally convinced she’s writing a clever parody. She can’t even spell her character’s name correctly half the time, but she nails “enthusiastically” on the first try?

It’s possible that her spelling on “enthusiastic” was so horribly mangled even she couldn’t read it. Dictionary. Can someone paypel her a few bucks for a spellchecker. God damn.

But there is a part of me that is thinking it’s on purpose now.

Please I beg of you keep doing this! Not only is the orginal story funny as hell, but your commentary makes it hilarious! Please update as this does.

Since most of you seem to be enjoying this, I have a proposition for you. I have a story here, written by someone that (if you have been following this thread) you know quite well. I think this story needs taking down a peg, especially since the author thinks that it could be expanded to make a :gasp: novel. Unfortunately, I am in no position to add witty commentary to this one. Have you guessed why? That’s right. Its because I’M the author. What I propose is this; you, yes you, get to deface one of my own personal short stories. The author of the one I deem funniest gets to choose another fanfiction for me to savage. This does not mean I’m done with My Immortal. Far from it. It’s just that I feel like a change, and I feel like the audience is entitled to a little compensation for reading this far.

The competition is open from now until I post chapter 10. If there are no takers, I’ll just continue with My Immortal. Happy critiquing!

Story text here, so don’t confuse it with ‘My Immortal’. It may be bad, but not that bad. I would put it in spoiler tags, but I don’t know how.Log in to see images! HALP.

You there. Yes you, with the robe pulled up to your face. Come here. I heard you’ve been asking about me. The mysterious man with no name. Everyone in this bar has a story to tell. Why are you so interested in mine? I see. ‘I seem familiar’. You sure you want to hear my story? It’s not pretty. You won’t like the ending. Okay then. For as long as I can remember, I had two friends in my village. One boy and one girl. We would play outside when it wasn’t so dark, when the danger was lowest. We would make believe that we were Vampire Hunters, slaying the great menace that stalks our lands. We would alternate between hunter and hunted, good and evil. I see a glint of recognition in your eyes. Maybe you used to do the same? Anyway, the deep friendship I felt about my lady companion eventually grew to something more. I never spoke of it though. In the end, it was too late. My other companion evidently felt the same way about her as I did, and so he proposed. She agreed, and inside my heart was broken. I still loved her, even though she was now never to be mine. Do not think I ever tried acting on my feelings, as some are wont to do. I am, after all, a gentleman. Some years pbumed, and eventually, the vampire threat selected our village. Our children were stolen in the night, and our women were defiled. Many brave men tried to fight back, and after a while they pin-pointed the source of the attacks. Of course, they all perished in the counter-attacks, rest their souls. All that was left of them in the morning was their severed heads pinned to their homes. Each one of them had the most terrifying expression, locked in place for the rest of eternity. BY this time my friends and I had become vampire slayers. We were away purifying a nest of the foul creatures when our kinsmen fought back, so don’t think for one second that we sat back while our friends and family were slaughtered. When we heard of the atrocity, we immediately set out to combat the demonic foe. While the villagers had pitchforks and torches, we had holy water and sharpened stakes. Due to our experience, I thought they would fall easily. I had no idea at the time that this was to be the worst night of my life. It started routinely enough. We came across a few of the abhorrent creatures sleeping just inside the wood. We slew them where they slept. As we went deeper, however, I started to become uneasy. Why weren’t we meeting more resistance? I know now, of course, but at the time I had absolute trust in my ‘friend’. They attacked all at once. Two of us tried to fight them off, but he just stood there. Watched as she was pinned down. Watched as his wife was ravaged. Watched as the woman I loved was torn apart. I lived that day. But at the same time, I died. I couldn’t find his body, but I did bury all that I could find of my love. I know what happened now. Later on, there were talks of a ‘Vampire King’. One that is human, but consorts with the night. He sold his soul for power. I sold mine for revenge. That’s why I came here. I heard that the King had set his sights on this village. I would find him, and exact my vengeance. And now, finally, I find you. You bastard. It may have been one- hundred years since I last saw you, but don’t think I could forget the person who tore my world apart. Don’t move. Not that you could, anyway. I’ve learned a few new tricks since that night. I am going to make you suffer, as she suffered. Each day you will beg for a death that cannot be granted. And I’m not going anywhere either. I’m marked too. The mark of Cain. Eternal life, and for you, my friend; eternal pain.

Copyright 2008 King Krimson. Please don’t try to pbum this work off as your own, as that would be illegal. Have fun!

Damn, this is good comedy.

Waiting for the next chapters Log in to see images!

The next chapter is one of the best I’ve read please do that one quickly.

King Krimson Posted:

Don’t worry, I’m never gonna let you down.

Are you gonna give him up, let him go, run around and desert him?

Possibly the greatest read ever.

And now, the chapter that needs no introduction.

Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

That explains an awful lot. But why write a Harry Potter fanfiction if you haven’t read the source material? Maybe to molest a wider audience, I don’t know.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!

You know, I missed that part in the movie where Dumbledore develops tourettes syndrome. Maybe it’s in the directors cut edition?

besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

I have a headache every single day of my life, and you don’t see me swearing randomly. Now it’s time for the rest of the story, you repulsive **** guzzlers.

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!

...No. Just no.

MCR ROX!

I don’t know or care who MCR are, but if Ebony likes them, all of their past accomplishments go straight out the window.

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I was so mad and sad.

I was mad and sad, because Draco was bad, I wasn’t glad, because Draco’s a cad.

I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

I find it hard to believe she found the exact same tree that had the misfortune of witnessing their disgusting debacle firsthand. On a separate note, since Ebony’s a vampire, was it necrophilia? I think it may have been. Yet another taboo broken.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything

‘Everything’ being an incredibly large thingy.

started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie)

if you don’t want us to know it’s Voldemort yet, THEN DON’T TELL US IT’S VOLDEMORT.

and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!

‘Voldemort isn’t gothic’. Yeah, pull the other one, miss ‘I-haven’t-read-the-books-but-I-have-watched-the-movies-honest.’

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.

Okay, she’s got me. Being placed under the Imperius curse allows the caster to control the victim, so it’s feasible that it could stop her moving. Ebony 1, King Krimson 375.

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him.

‘Meow?’ No, not you. She meant ‘Crucio’, though how she got a torture curse and a cat mixed up is anyone’s guess. Maybe she’s violently allergic to felines? To every reader with a cat: expect instructions soon.

Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

Unfortunately for you, Ebony, readers of this fanfiction will not be so merciful when your identify is revealed to them.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

Why is Voldemort encouraging a barely competent teenager to kill his arch enemy? I guess he must be really desperate. Also, check out ‘ye olde time’ speech. I’m guessing that if Ebony had any sense of rhythm, Voldemort would be speaking in iambic pentameter as well.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.

Mr. Radcliffe, if you’re reading this, run. Regardless of how many people have lusted after your broomstick, you don’t want the admirations of Ebony. It would be like the movie ‘Misery’, only a whole lot creepier.

I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Ebony suddenly realises what everyone has been telling her all along. Now that we have established that Ebony is an idiot, maybe the author will show mercy and bring in the giant spiders.

“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun.

Oh, okay. Wait, what? A GUN? She’s a witch! If she can perform the Cruciatus curse, that she can surely kill people with magic!

“No! Please!” I begged.

Seeing as he’s given you a gun, which can apparently kill wizards, just shoot him. Or are you choosing to keep him immortal, while simultaneously rendering all other characters unrecognisable? However hard I try, I cannot find a single shred of logic in this entire story.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-very special look on his face.

As always, Voldemort hits the nail on the head.

“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.

Awesome. If it were in any other story, that is.

“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I think Voldemort may be my favourite character so far. Of course, that’s like saying that I prefer malaria to meningitis.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Bad Draco! What have I told you about using a condom?

“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)

**** you.

between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Ebony, Master of the Redundant.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“I’m sure it was just a coincidence we both got exactly the same test results.”

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Careful, you’ll trip and fall! Actually, scratch that. Knock yourselves out. Literally.

So, chapter 10 is next. That, uh, that competition is still open, you know. Just throwing it out there. Isn’t there a fanfiction you really, really hate? One you want savaged? Since no one has actually entered, even someone typing ‘LOL’ all over my story would win. Don’t do that though. Not that. I might get depressed. And then I won’t write any more. Sigh. See you next time, I guess. Or not. I don’t really care either way. (Seriously though the compo… You don’t care, do you? Ah well. It was worth a shot. See you next time!)