In advance, I apologise for the potential lack of funny. I have had the most unproductive cold for the past few days, and it may have affected my writing skills.

I can’t think of anything clever to say here, so just make a sentence up for yourself, or something.

Chapter 10

AN: stup it u gay fabulous persons

Isn’t this a contradiction? Would a ‘gay fabulous person’ be a person raised in a homosexual household who then turns out to be straight? Or maybe the author is just an awful writer? I wonder which?

if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b’loody mary isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

‘They moved houses because they were evil’. How many times have YOU moved house Ebony? I’m guessing that most of the time it’s for fear of your own worthless life rather than the neighbours being ****-scared of you.

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

That is the most generic sounding black metal band name EVER. It’s like Ebony has some bizarre talent for the mediocre.

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

Since these bands are awful, I’m guessing that Ebony’s would physically hurt you to listen to it.

The other people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, we proudly present the master of the mundane, the expert of the everyday; the average magician DIABOLO!

and Hargrid.

Hagrid is basically the only main character not to be bastardised yet. I wonder what Ebony has in store for him? It probably involves whips and bondage gear. Now that’s an unpleasant mental image.

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too

Remember this: This is important.

and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that)

OBJECTION! I’m sorry, it just had to be done.

or a steak)

Vampires are dangerously allergic to cows. Just like cats, it seems.

and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

Oh no you don’t. You are not bringing Tim Burton into this travesty.

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my mammary glands and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the bum. You might think I’m a **** but I’m really not.

I beg to differ. We’ve basically got nine chapters where you discuss your sexual misadventures with Draco, a boy you only met two days ago. If those aren’t clear signs of a ****, I don’t know what is.

We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’

Your ****ty metal band can’t even write it’s own songs, you pathetic waste of skin? I’m not surprised.

and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

As did the audience. Though they were hurting long before you were.

“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

I’m not sure that your spell checker is being entirely truthful, Ebony. However, even the Spellchecker of the Gods could help this car crash.

“What the **** do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Voldemort came and the ****ing bastard told me to ****ing kill Harry! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don’t kill Harry, then Voldemort, will ****ing kill Draco!”

I like how she ****ing used the ****ing word **** in all the most ****ing inappropriate ****ing places.

I burst into tears.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

Much like the natives in Indiana Jones IV, he was walled up until the dramatically appropriate time presented itself. Unfortunately for him, he had to eat his own arm to fight off the hunger.

“Why didn’t you ****ing tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you ****ing poser muggle ****!” (c is dat out of character?)

Since he was the one yelling ‘You don’t understand!’ only a few chapters ago, he’s completely out of character and the worst hypocrite in the entire world. Not that I expected any less form you, Ebony.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

If this were a film, all the raw emotion in this sentence would be sure to garner it an Academy Award. Oh wait, I forgot that this fic is ****ING TERRIBLE.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

With you, Ebony, every time is headache time, if only for your sheer stupidity.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely.

I’m betting you saw that word somewhere but don’t know what it means. It means ‘everything this fic is not’.

(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists.”

If you’ve been paying attention you should know what’s wrong with this sentence. I can only imagine that even the author was so repulsed by this story that she refused to go back and check it over for continuity issues. Even so, directly contradicting something that you stated a few paragraphs ago is really bad form. F-. See me after school, where I will beat you to death with an iron kettle.

We’ve got a bit of a change next week, as I attempt to bear the horror of an awful Harvest Moon fanfiction. Thanks to Herrick for destroying my decent short story and then destroying my dreams. I’ll see you next time.

Oh, and I’ve been experimenting with interactive fiction. We’ll see where that leads, shall we? How about ‘My Immortal: The Text Adventure’? And with that soul-crushing note, I bid you adieu.