Dearest Forumwarriorz,

I am here to make a modest proposal about how we approach E-Peen™ length going forward.

I am posting this with the full understanding that, any time change is made, particularly in matters concerning E-Peen and the lengths thereof, the community has oftentimes been mbumively put off. This is, of course, understandable. Our E-Peens are a fundamental part of our self-characterization. Attempts to radically alter this system has proven widely unpopular.

And yet, perhaps quixotically, I’m suggesting that very thing.

I’m proposing what I’m calling “The Forumwarz Polar Plunge.” (You can thank your fellow Flamebater, Invariel, for helping inspire that name.)

You see, when we first introduced relative E-Peen length, we did so to ensure that the highest possible length would be 13 inches, which we considered the theoretical maximum human male reproductive organ length, and therefore understandable in context. Of course, the automated relative adjustment of E-Peen lengths was, admittedly, a mbumive failure.

However, the resolution — which was to simply let your E-Peen grow to monstrous lengths — is beginning to look a little silly. Thus, I propose a mbumive, sitewide shrinkage, bringing all current E-Peen lengths to a more manageable size and reducing the current leader to a length much closer to the 13 inches we originally envisioned (sorry, scully, but hear us out).

This means an across-the-board reduction of everyone’s Peen length. Scary thought. But because you will be, relatively speaking, in the exact same spot in the ranking, it really shouldn’t matter one iota. It is simply a numerically cosmetic change to bring the numbers more in line with what we had originally intended.

We realize that “Peen creep” is inevitable with further accomplishments and the introduction of new rewards, meaning those numbers will once again inch past 13. We’re cool with that. Let’s say that with smaller incremental growth, scully soon finds herself at a gargantuan 15.3 inches. That’s not so bad, given the hormones available in today’s beef products, and perhaps somewhere down the line will have to do another Plunge. But for the time being, we think this is a pretty good solution.

Quite frankly, our current formula for determining E-Peen length is flawed and not very elegant. We think that we can apply a much smarter and nuanced algorithm that will still encourage accelerated growth for newer players who can pbum simple, often automated challenges; reduce slightly the apparent differences between the higher-ranked players; and preserve the current state of our E-Peen leaderboard.

This truly is a modest proposal in that it should have no real affect. However, in the interest of transparency, and to prime you for the shock later on should we choose to implement this policy, I thought I would announce it ahead of time in order to get your input.

Thank you and good day.

CrinkzPipe Posted:

You made it sound really confusing. So I have no clue what you are getting at.

what i got is that they are shortening our male reproductive organes once again because they are fearful of long male reproductive organs.

Sounds to me like he’s suggesting a proportional peen shrinkage across the board so that everyone gets smaller but remains in the same position relative to each other. A percentage reduction across the board.

MC Banhammer Posted:

Sounds to me like he’s suggesting a proportional peen shrinkage across the board so that everyone gets smaller but remains in the same position relative to each other. A percentage reduction across the board.

So are they going to do this buy rethinking/reducing the length current peens give? Or is it like going back to the way it used to be. If scully gets a peen every loses inches?

CrinkzPipe Posted:

So are they going to do this buy rethinking/reducing the length current peens give? Or is it like going back to the way it used to be. If scully gets a peen every loses inches?

I think they are going to make it work the way it does actually, but with shortert numbers.

I, for one, don’t like this idea, it feels awful to start growing a decent peen and then have it amputeed (again), even if everyone else is getting it shortened.

We should just measure the length from the ground, they bigger you get the smaller the number,

I don’t really care that much. Slightly feel bad for those people you have 5 or less.

Too bad we gotta re-calculate all those E-Peen™ lengths again.

The Baroness Posted:

Okay, so what exactly is the point if everything remains the same, as you say? Just because it is what you had originally intended? I suggest you adjust your views, not the peens.

This.

I mean, come on, it’s a site about TROLLING. Trolls don’t say “My male reproductive organ is slightly larger than average”, they say “My male reproductive organ stretches from the dining room into living room”.

spacekadt Posted:

If a peen that currently gives 1.0” is nerfed to .33” (67% reduction), mke sure that a different peen that gives .5” isn’t nerfed to .25” (only 50% redution). This *will* **** up the leaderboards and cause more uproar.

That’s exactly it – even if the proportions are equal, if everyone has a different combination of peens how will the leaderboard positions stay exactly the same?

MC Banhammer Posted:

This.

I mean, come on, it’s a site about TROLLING. Trolls don’t say “My male reproductive organ is slightly larger than average”, they say “My male reproductive organ stretches from the dining room into living room”.

Well, Camwhores say they don’t have a male reproductive organ at all. So I guess it averages out.