Dearest Forumwarriorz,

I am here to make a modest proposal about how we approach E-Peen™ length going forward.

I am posting this with the full understanding that, any time change is made, particularly in matters concerning E-Peen and the lengths thereof, the community has oftentimes been mbumively put off. This is, of course, understandable. Our E-Peens are a fundamental part of our self-characterization. Attempts to radically alter this system has proven widely unpopular.

And yet, perhaps quixotically, I’m suggesting that very thing.

I’m proposing what I’m calling “The Forumwarz Polar Plunge.” (You can thank your fellow Flamebater, Invariel, for helping inspire that name.)

You see, when we first introduced relative E-Peen length, we did so to ensure that the highest possible length would be 13 inches, which we considered the theoretical maximum human male reproductive organ length, and therefore understandable in context. Of course, the automated relative adjustment of E-Peen lengths was, admittedly, a mbumive failure.

However, the resolution — which was to simply let your E-Peen grow to monstrous lengths — is beginning to look a little silly. Thus, I propose a mbumive, sitewide shrinkage, bringing all current E-Peen lengths to a more manageable size and reducing the current leader to a length much closer to the 13 inches we originally envisioned (sorry, scully, but hear us out).

This means an across-the-board reduction of everyone’s Peen length. Scary thought. But because you will be, relatively speaking, in the exact same spot in the ranking, it really shouldn’t matter one iota. It is simply a numerically cosmetic change to bring the numbers more in line with what we had originally intended.

We realize that “Peen creep” is inevitable with further accomplishments and the introduction of new rewards, meaning those numbers will once again inch past 13. We’re cool with that. Let’s say that with smaller incremental growth, scully soon finds herself at a gargantuan 15.3 inches. That’s not so bad, given the hormones available in today’s beef products, and perhaps somewhere down the line will have to do another Plunge. But for the time being, we think this is a pretty good solution.

Quite frankly, our current formula for determining E-Peen length is flawed and not very elegant. We think that we can apply a much smarter and nuanced algorithm that will still encourage accelerated growth for newer players who can pbum simple, often automated challenges; reduce slightly the apparent differences between the higher-ranked players; and preserve the current state of our E-Peen leaderboard.

This truly is a modest proposal in that it should have no real affect. However, in the interest of transparency, and to prime you for the shock later on should we choose to implement this policy, I thought I would announce it ahead of time in order to get your input.

Thank you and good day.