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Poetry **** my life

KaaVink

Avatar: 60693 Tue Oct 28 11:07:23 -0400 2008
16

[SRSLY]

Level 35 Camwhore

“Legs Wide Open”

This site really amuses me:

http://www.fmylife.com/

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

Today, my girlfriend told me that she’s pregnant. We’ve been together for three months. Two years before we began dating I received a confirmed successful vasectomy that she doesn’t know about yet. FML

LadyCooper

Avatar: Poison Warning Sign
2

Level 24 Troll

“Dick in a Box”

“Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird ****. FML”

My goodness, this site is amazing. Log in to see images!

KaaVink

Avatar: 60693 Tue Oct 28 11:07:23 -0400 2008
16

[SRSLY]

Level 35 Camwhore

“Legs Wide Open”

Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed “neither” to “fine upstanding member of society.” I didn’t notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML

AntiRules187

Avatar: 79421 Tue May 26 22:06:20 -0400 2009
2

[Temple of the Anth-
ropomorphic Majesty
]

Level 35 Troll

It's actually an honor to be pranked, it means someone spent real money on you. Sir.

Here’s my favorite posts:

Today, I spent almost my entire English clbum turned on thinking that the hot girl next to me was playing footsie with me. That is until she stood up and I realized I had been rubbing my foot on her backpack.

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number.

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidently sent it to my dad and got a text back saying “You definitely take after your mom”.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her “Edward”. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her “Twilight” book. She was talking about a fictional vampire.

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents.

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice.

Today, I bought a jacket with real fur on it. Turns out, i’m allergic and now my ears look like they have herpes on them.

Today, I asked my boyfriend to have sex. He told me he would rather play ps3.

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on.

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe causing me to cough loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was ok. Joklingly I said “Yeah, just dying..” – She replied “You too, huh?”

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don’t own a dog.

Today, my friend’s son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him “about a dollar?” He said “wow, that’s really cheap for blow.” He’s 10.

Today, I walked in the snow and saw some kid slip. I laughed and felt good about myself. Then I fell.

This site is hilarious, already got it bokmarked.

TUBSWEETIE

Avatar: 3450 2011-07-31 00:45:06 -0400
28

[And The Banned Pla-
yed On
]

Level 37 Troll

MY MEMORY IS THAT OF A SMALL GRAPE

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

KaaVink

Avatar: 60693 Tue Oct 28 11:07:23 -0400 2008
16

[SRSLY]

Level 35 Camwhore

“Legs Wide Open”

Today, I was playing with 3 kids I look after. The middle one has just learned about sex and started chanting that I had done it with the eldest as a joke. We were in the garden and the neighbours heard. Now I am fired, have to leave the house and am being investigated by the police. FML

BertyWooster

Avatar: Deformed Child

Level 15 Troll

“Inflammatory Agent ”

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for clbum. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, “What’s the matter, lose a leg?” Unfortunately, there’s nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

Today, my friends and I go to a bar and proceed to get wasted. I walk around and see a kid. I start yelling, “There’s a child in this bar! There’s a CHILD in this BAR!” She turns around. She was a little person. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed “Yes Brittany!” at the top of his lungs. My name’s not Brittany. That’s his sister. FML

Today, I made fun of my friend when she tripped over the curb. I said, loudly, “Haha, you can’t even walk.” I then notice the man in the wheelchair a few feet ahead of us. FML

Today, I was woken out of my drunken state by a guy trying to stick his male reproductive organ in my mouth. I’m a guy. FML

LOL, bookmarked.

Jojo Mellow

Avatar: Hacker Woman

[7 VIBRATING DOLDOES]

Level 15 Hacker

Ooh, I wonder what this bumon does... Uh-oh.

Bookmarked it as “FML- For Those Who Love Schadenfreude”

Mainks

Avatar: 145257 Mon Jun 01 10:56:51 -0400 2009
13

Level 58 Hacker

“Cracking Addict”

Oh god I came here the other day and seen this and went to fmylife. I think I’m addicted to reading stories about everyone’s issues. I can’t stop laughing.

Somebody

Avatar: 51757 2010-03-05 21:47:01 -0500
12

[Harem and Sushi Bar]

Level 69 Troll

Klanhop Extraordinaire

I was just reading about this on SA, seemed amusing

Miss Informa-
tion

Avatar: Hacker Woman w/ Goggles

Level 10 Hacker

“Ohacku”

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disbumembling and rebumembling it) in my new room, because I couldn’t find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

Lmao! Welcome to my new Homepage!

Jim McPerson

Avatar: Mother and Children
5

Level 35 Troll

“Problem Child IV”

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, “YUMMY! I’m going to eat you!” with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, “Finally, some action!” I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He’s my cousin. FML.

Log in to see images!

Charismatic_-
Stallion

Avatar: harblgar

[The British Gentle-
men Society
]

Level 5 Troll

“Slightly Unpleasant Individual”

Best website ever

“Today, I woke up at my boyfriend’s place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, “I heard everthing.” FML

CrinkzPipe

Avatar: 35643 2011-12-11 17:25:30 -0500
8

[Harem and Sushi Bar]

Level 61 Emo Kid

Hi, I'm an adult whos into anime. ALSO male reproductive organS!

Patch did it again!

Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, “well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at.” The nurse laughed. FML

CrinkzPipe

Avatar: 35643 2011-12-11 17:25:30 -0500
8

[Harem and Sushi Bar]

Level 61 Emo Kid

Hi, I'm an adult whos into anime. ALSO male reproductive organS!

Jesus Christ, so many entry’s where people are most likely to be joking rather than trying to make the person “**** their life”.

Adapt

Avatar: 58104 2011-10-31 21:36:25 -0400
16

[Grey Goose Mafiosi]

Level 48 Camwhore

Celerysteve Changed Adapt's Custom Title

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, “Beat ya!” She’s thirteen. FML

this one made me lawl, but it also made me fell a little sad Log in to see images!

CrinkzPipe

Avatar: 35643 2011-12-11 17:25:30 -0500
8

[Harem and Sushi Bar]

Level 61 Emo Kid

Hi, I'm an adult whos into anime. ALSO male reproductive organS!

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

CrinkzPipe

Avatar: 35643 2011-12-11 17:25:30 -0500
8

[Harem and Sushi Bar]

Level 61 Emo Kid

Hi, I'm an adult whos into anime. ALSO male reproductive organS!

Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

Awww. Log in to see images!

JustALittleS-
omething

Avatar: Chugging Beer

Level 16 Troll

“Inflammatory Agent ”

I just read this whole thread, FML.

KaaVink

Avatar: 60693 Tue Oct 28 11:07:23 -0400 2008
16

[SRSLY]

Level 35 Camwhore

“Legs Wide Open”

Hehehe…

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said “Bermuda, 1989”. They’ve told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my own conception. FML

Today, I went to my new doctor to establish the paperwork. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, “what do you do?”. I told her I normally did woman's genitalsl, but would sometimes do anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML

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