Santa’s just a ****ing urban legend, like Bigfoot and UFOs. I squash conspiracy theories as a hobby, and this one’s easy. See, I happen to get my gas pumped by a guy who lived at the North Pole for eight months twelve years ago. He found Santa’s Workshop and went inside, where he saw this ****ing artist sitting at a desk. He asked the artist where Santa was, and the artist looked up and said, “Ha! There is no Santa Claus! The joke’s on you!” Then he gave him a T-shirt:

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You remind me of the unicorn there, getting bum-****ed by a cactus and enjoying it. Luzer.