Ok, so these two married women are walking home from a hen night when they both realise they need a crap. There are no public toilets near by and all of the restaurants are closed. They are near a graveyard and decide to do their business in there. The first women simply discards here knickers, but the second is wearing fancy Ann Summers stuff, so the decides to wipe her arse with a memorial ribbon instead.

The next day the husbands of these women are having a talk. The first man says “We have got to stop these hen nights, my wife came home last night with no pants.” The second man said “That’s nothing, my wife came home with a ribbon in her arse that said “From all the lad at the police station, we will never forget you”“

Charles Norris Posted:

A young boy was on a plane with his mother. As they waited to taxi tot he runway, he saw all the large planes, and a confused look crossed his face. He turned to his mother and asked, “Mommy, if big dogs, have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

His mother turned a bewildered look on him, and needing to pbum the buck, she answered, flustered, “Well son, I think you should ask the flight attendant. She knows everything about planes.”

So the young boy, walks up to the attendant, and poses the question to her as well.

The flight attendant smiles huge, and answers cheerily, “The reason there are no baby planes is because this airline always pulls out on time. Now have your mother explain that to you.

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This is a great joke, definitely a winner. You’ll have your BP in a couple of minutes.

As a guy who flys alot, this is one I’ll remember.

lesterdfunct Posted:

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to….”

“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”

“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

“Don’t I know!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”

“Oh my god!!,” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”

“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh…...equipment?”.

“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

“Tripod??,” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.....

Good Lord, she’s fainted !!

Oh, that’s definitely a winner!

Enjoy your brownie.

Lord Shplane Posted:

If this guy doesn’t get BP your wife is a whore.

That or I have a very special sense of humor, whichever.

He won, so neither is true!

...I hope…

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So hey, could I maybe put a joke in hilarious image form or somesuch? I probably won’t, but I’m sort of wondering.

Lord Shplane Posted:

So hey, could I maybe put a joke in hilarious image form or somesuch? I probably won’t, but I’m sort of wondering.

If the context is still a joke, I don’t see why not.

We’re looking for jokes you could remember and tell to someone else.

So whatever applies is eligible.

A snobbish East Coast English Professor is visiting a colleague at a rural university in the Midwest. The colleague takes him to the local cafe for breakfast and introduces him to a few locals she’s gotten to know over the years, including a farmer.

Farmer: Glad to meet you. Where do you come from?

Professor: Somewhere where we never end a sentence with a preposition.

Farmer: I’m very sorry. Where do you come from, bumhole?

A teacher asks her clbum, “If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

coreyjess Posted:

This one’s a winner! Thank you, we both got a good laugh at this one. Your BP is on the way.

Thanks for the BP! My first win in any contest.