Montgomery Conner

First: Try to empathize with girls who are sexually abused by their uncles, then start to find them hot, and replace yourself as their dominant father figure. This will allow you to verbally harangue them and lecture them all the livelong day without their resistance, as they have no self-esteem. All the better for the sexual congress, I say!

Second: Do a little light reading on a lot of subjects. This will make you an expert on everything, especially if you constantly derail arguments to try to take yourself off shaky ground. See: Stephen Colbert’s debate style.

Third: Don’t ever text anyone back.

Fourth: Talk about your salad days back when you were totally “cool” and remain in constant denial of your lamewad mainstream old man status.

Hope this helps, xoxoxoxoxo aren’t my mammary glands hotttt??/???