Hello, I’m The Unknown Comic.

You might known me from such television clbumics as The Gong Show and the website soon to be preyed upon by domain squatters, Forumwarz.

I’m speaking you today because of a very insignificant problem. I’m talking about my entirely trivial addiction to the drug known as marijuana.

You might know it by it’s street names: pot, weed, chiba, viper, ganja, tree, trom, and literally over a dozen other names.

Sure, it’s not a physical addiction like one would experience with heroin or cocaine. It’s entirely in my head. I don’t need to “blaze” and get “high.” I just really, really want to. Especially because I’ve been drinking and I only like to drink to increase the effects of marihuana.

Maybe you’ve heard about my recent worries over drug testing in order to procure a minimum wage job doing menial, even degrading work for a highly unethical national entity. That’s why I need your help. That’s right you. Dull, stupid, unfunny, maybe even ugly, you.

I’m about a minute away from packing a bowl and smoking that **** right to my face. Do your part. Tell me you love me. Tell me that the woman I love will leave her husband and her child to be with me, an unemployed, chubby man with anger AND self-esteem issues. Tell me I’m funny even though my gimmick has worn pretty thin. Tell me I’ll be successful even though I tell myself every hour, “One of these days, I’m going to blow my brains out.”

So, please, be my narcotic anonymous sponsor and help me overcome this non-existant problem that I myself could overcome if I had even the smallest amount of will power.

The life you save might be my own. I’m the Unknown Comic and I definitely plan on getting high tonight.