Yes, this is a complete rip-off of a Something Awful bit from back in the day. But that was seven years ago, and it’s time for an update!

I’ll get us started with “****es Ain’t ****,” by Dr. Andre Romelle Young.

“Dishonorable, unpleasant women are naught but prostitutes and the very individuals who patronize said prostitutes. I command you to stroke my testicles with your tongue; I implore you to perform fellatio upon me. Immediately after you have fulfilled these imperatives, I intend to vacate the premises and enter my motor vehicle. This in order to promptly execute a business transaction which is most likely unlawful in nature.”