Stranger: HELLO MY GOOD FRIEND

You: LONG TIME NO SEE!

You: HOW’VE YOU BEEN?

Stranger: I’VE BEEN MARVELOUS

Stranger: AND YOURSELF?

You: I’M SO GLAD TO HEAR YOU’RE MARVELOUS. I MYSELF HAVE BEEN POSITIVELY SWELL!

You: HOW’S THE DIVORCE GOING?

You: DID YOU GET RID OF THE **** YET?

Stranger: WONDERFUL. ALICE HAS TAKEN THE KIDS AND ALL OF MY MONEY.

Stranger: YES, THE **** HAS BEEN RIDDEN OF.

You: I KNOW, I’M SPENDING IT EVEN AS WE SPEAK

You: YOUR KIDS ARE QUITE CUTE, TOO.

You: ALTHOUGH I GUESS THEY’RE MINE NOW.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.