This seems as good a place as any to post this.

—-

yoo thar. yes u, wid robe pulled op 2 yor face. kum hear. i herd ewe’ve bean asking abt mi. 7he mysterious mann wit noes name. 3veryone ins thiz bar gots stry tew tells. whai am joo zo interested n mines? i c. ‘i seem familiar’. yall sho yoo whants ii here miy stry? itz’s nots pretty. u won’t like ff’ ending. okies than. foar az long az i kan member, i haved two frenz ins mah village. wun boy en 1 gurl. wee wud plai outside wen itz wasn’t sew dark, wen tha danger was lowest. wii wud maak beleive dat wee whir vampire hunters, slaying thee grat menace taht stalks oor lands. wii wud alternate tween hunter & hunted, gud + evil. i sea an glint ov recognition n yore eyeses. maybe ewe yoozd 2 du da smae? neway, tehz deep friendship i felt about mai ladi companion eventaly grew tew something morr. i nvr spoke itz tho. ins de endz, itz wuz tew l8. miy udder companion evidently felt smae wai about hur az i do, an zo he proposed. shi agreed, en inside mah hart been broken. i still loved hur, evn tho her wuz nowe never too bee mines. do nawt thinks i evs tryd acting oan mai feelings, az sum are wont 2 do. i am, after awl, gentleman. som years past, & eventualy, ff’ vampire threet selected are village. oor childen wurr stolen n tha nite, + are women whir defiled. mennee brave men tryd tew fight bak, an after an whyl thay pin-pointed thee sauce awf da attacks. uv course, thay al perished ins tehz counter-attacks, rest thar souls. aw dat been left o’ thems n de morning wuz thay’re severed heads pinned too theri homes. eech wun ov dem hads mos terrifying expresshun, locked ins place fo ff’ rest eternitee. bye thys tiem miy frenz en i haved bgreat times vampire slayers. wee wurr wai purifying nest off tha foul creatures wen oor kinsmen fought bak, so don’t fink foar 1 2nd taht wii sat back wile are friends & family whir slaughtered. whn wee heared uv thee atrocitee, wii immidiately sets owt 2 combat da demonic foe. while tehz villagers hads pitchforks + torches, wee haved holy h2o an sharpened stakes. due tew our experience, i thot tehy wud fall easily. i hads no diea @ de tym dat dis was too b worst nite o’ mah life. itz started routinely enough. wii caym accross an few ov ff’ abhorrent creatures sleeping juss inside tha wood. we slew em where they slept. az we went deeper, however, i started 2 bgreat times uneasy. y weren’t we meeting mroe resistance? i kno nao, course, bum @ thee tiem i haved absolute tust n mai ‘friend’. they attacked awl @ 1ce. two off us tryd to fight them off, bum him jstu stood ther. watched az shi was pinned down. watched as hiz wife was ravaged. watched as thge woman i loved was torn part. i lived taht dey. bum at tje same tym, i dyd. i couldn’t fidn him body, bum i did bury all dat i cud find of miy heart. i no waht happened nows. l8r onna, htere were talks of an ‘vampire king’. wun taht r hooman, bum consorts wif teh nite. he sold hiz soul 4 pr. i sold mines fur revenge. dat’s why i caym here. i heared taht the king had set his sights oan thsi village. i wud find him, en exact mah vengeance. & nowe, finaly, i find joo. yall bastard. itz may hav been one- hundred years sins i last seen yoo, bum don’t think i cud forget the purson who tore my rld a part. don’t moov. nots dat u cud, neway. i’ve learned a few new tricks sins taht nite. i am goin to mayk you suffer, as she sufferred. eech dai you wil beg foar a deaff dat cannot be granted. + i’m not goin anywhere eiter. i’m marked too. the mark of cain. eternal life, adn fo you, my freind; eternal pain.