At the risk of further enraging Mr. Biff Weasly for not ‘Getting the **** out of flamebate’, I present to you Chapters 21 and 22.

Chapter 21

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1

Ebony seems to be at loss to explain why the bad spelling isn’t her fault. “ Because of Raven … Because it… **** you preps!” That right there is a literal translation.

woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!

Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that she never went to Transylvania. Her comment strikes me as an afterthought. If you went somewhere that should legitimately excite you, wouldn’t you be a bit more verbose about it? As a side note, Dr. Kola sounds like some kind of German soft drink. I don’t know what ‘fliming’ is, but if it keeps the cola from going flat, I’m all for it.

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Later we all went in the skull.

Apparently Hogwarts has had a drastic makeover since we left. Either that, or Ebony is desperately trying to reinforce the notion that she is goffick. All it reinforces is that she has an abysmal grasp of the English language.

Draco was crying in da common room. “Draco are u okay?” I asked in a gothic voice.

If you wish to comfort someone, the way NOT to do it is to take a ‘gothic’ tone. I’m guessing it’s not the most sympathetic of voices one can bumume. If anything, it’s just going to make him feel worse.

“No I’m not u fuking ****!”

See? What did I tell you?

he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way.

I’m not sure how someone can run in a suicidal way, unless he’s strapped several armed bombs to himself. Either way, it should be quite a sight to behold.

I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

No ****, Sherlock.

“Its ok Enoby.” said Vampire comfortly. “Ill make him feel better.”

The way I imagine it, that sounds incredibly creepy. “Don’t worry Ebony, I’ll make him… Feel better. Muh ha ha ha!

“U mean you’ll go **** him wont you!” I shouted angrily.

“If by ‘**** him’ You mean ‘inconvenience him quite considerably’, then yes. Yes, I will **** Draco. Hard.”

Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

I’m going to stop referencing the fact that I’m tired of making ‘come’ jokes very, very soon.

“Draco please come!”

Like now. From now on, expect more bawdy jokes.

he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face.

‘Came’ Down his pail face? Does Potter have male reproductive organs for eyes?

I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

As a matter of fact, my real name does have two different meanings. I guess I’d better leave then.

And then………………………….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke.

Sounds to me like a mbumive new ad campaign ought to be commissioned. “Invincibility coke! As drunk by Chuck Norris.”

We both gut under it. We saw the janitor Mr. Norris

Now, the thing is here that she mixed up the janitor and the cat. Obviously, she did not do the research.

here, shouting angrily

I like the fact that he can shout angrily while simultaneously saying nothing.

with a flashlight in his hand.

Flashlights: Because lanterns are for squares!

“WHOSE THERE!” he shouted angrily.

Must be a delayed reaction sort of thing. Maybe all the magical aura in the area disrupts the speed of sound?

We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

If the cloak was applied properly, the cat wouldn’t have been able to slip inside. Remember, carelessness kills. Or at least gains you a detention.

“IS ANY1 THERE!” yelled Mr. Norris.

Who had inexplicably started speaking txt.

“No **** u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!” Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.

What a fantastic display of stealth and ventriloquism! Step aside Solid Snake, these guys have you beat at both your job and your novelty act at the office party!

“EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!” yelled Mr. Norris.

Who apparently has gigantic ears now.

Den he heard Filch meow. “Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!”

What’s the point of a ****ing invisibility cloak if everyone can see it? It got about all the practical use of a draping a towel over yourself.

he asked. Filth nodded.

But of course, the janitor couldn’t see him because he was under A BLOODY INVISIBILITY CLOAK!

And then……………………….Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as…………………….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

This strikes me as about the worst possible thing to do when your about to be uncovered. As a social blunder, it ranks up there with dropping your trousers and masturbating at a formal dinner party.

“WHAT DA-” he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him.

“Where did they go? I could see them when they were under the invisibility cloak, but now that they’ve run away I’ve completely lost track of them!”

And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

The fact that Draco is outside rather than in his room invalidates the reason they were sneaking around school in the first place. Such things as continuity never bothered Ebony though.

“Draco!” I cried. “R u okay?”

“I guess though.” Draco weeped.

If he’s weeping, then he’s not okay. Simple, really.

We went back to our coffins frenching each other.

“Break out the baguettes chums! We’ve got frenching to do!”

Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin)

I think that was a horror film about a giant alligator. Something that awesome cannot possibly be depressing!

on the gothic red bed together.

But you sleep in coffins. You don’t have a bed.

As I wuz about 2 put in the video,

So, we have this advanced wizarding community, yet they can’t think of a better storage medium than video cbumettes. No wonder they need flying cars, the wheels they invented are square!

my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now.

So, it’s just astral projection, not a vision. As a goff, you should know much more about magic than me. And yet my knowledge of magic trumps yours every single time.

There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1

Magic would cease to be such a mystery if you just paid attention in clbum. There was a reason the head of cabbage scored higher than you in the school test. He got a point for spelling his name correctly on the paper.

Remember to thank your respective Gods, for today we have a double bill. Well, I say thank…

Chapter 22

AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven’s folt ok!11 u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1

Now, this is interesting, because I’ve seen some of Raven’s fanfiction. Say what you like about the content of the story, she can actually spell. No pbuming the blame on this one, Ebony.

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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic.

“I tried to cast Wingardium Leviosa on my rat, but it didn’t work. I’m such a failure. :sniff:”

Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas.

Judging from their uncomfortable sounding description, these fail in their position as sleeping garments.

Then I gasped.

Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!

“Ebony, this is an intervention. Despite what you say, human blood isn’t good for you. And stop pretending you’re goffik. You’re fooling no one.”

I opened my crimson eyes.

So you could see them this whole time despite having your eyes closed? If your eyelids are transparent, how the hell do you get to sleep?

Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top. Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as ****ing sexy. Vampire looked like Joel Madden. B’loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said ‘bich’ and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… GAH! Who? What? Where? Of course I was paying attention! Now get out of my bedroom! I’m not decent!

Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too.

Someone is running out of names. Darkness is already taken, coincidently, by Ebony. And Who’s Jenny?

She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle.

Crabbe and Goyle never struck me as transvestites. It explains why they were hanging around the red light district in Diagon Alley though.

It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire

I don’t know about you, but I can honestly say that I did not see this coming. Truly, this is a twist worthy of a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Apparently Mr. Weasly got around a fair bit, too.

He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor.

The surprises just keep on coming!

He had raped them and stuff before too.

‘Tragic. Heartbreaking. This traumatising description of child abuse will stay with you for a long time’ – My Immortal: Richard and Judy’s pick of the week.

They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.

I think stanism may have something to do with South Park. Not a deity I’d personally chose to worship. Still, each to his own.

“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the **** are u all here?”

“We don’t ****ing know.”

“Enoby something is really ****ed up.” Draco said.

“You don’t ****ing say?”

“OK but I need to put my ****ing clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.

“Take your ****ing time.”

“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so ****ing beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice.

“Do you really ****ing think so?”

This is ridiculous. Every second word out of these idiot’s mouths ends up being a swear. They’re not even using them right! If you tell any normal girl that she looks ‘****ing beautiful’, you’ll be lucky if you just get a slap. Talk about sending mixed messages.

“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”

“Well, when a man gets sexually excited…”

“I will I will.” he said.

So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation.

This chapter… Honestly. It has more ‘I wore this and that’ than the previous chapters put together. I’m not sure how much longer I can take this.

Then I came.

I know how some people love their make-up, but isn’t this going a little too far?[

We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow.

Something about this sentence just strikes me as… wrong. I’m not sure how you can look in from a widow, and I’m not sure I want to find out.

A ****ing prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us.

I’m not sure why this is worth a mention, but Ebony obviously meant for us to see it.

She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her.

Obviously to show her disdain for preps, it seems. What have the preps ever done to her? Greet her politely? Told her she looked nice? Or maybe even they offered to help her in some way? Her hatred seems a little one-sided to me.

Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork.

“I’m telling you, The third rule set of Dungeons and Dragons is much better than the forth!”

Cornelia Fudged

She certainly is. Fudged, that is, seeing as Ebony has forgotten her gender. I suppose it’s better than what Ebony did to Snape.

was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge

I believe that rumbridge is a type of card/drinking game. It doesn’t hold a candle to strip-poker though.

was there too.

“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”

If that means the end of this story, then I agree emphatically.

“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!”

I always knew that the whomping willow was up to no good.

yelled Cornelia Fudge.

“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!”

That’s the first bit of sense anyone in this story has spoken thus far.

yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”

I think I like this Rumbridge person. Like, a lot. What? Compared to all the other characters, she’s practically a Goddess. Shame about the ‘retry’ in place of ‘retire’ though.

“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “bum

Heh.

we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school.

Then just take the chosen one off the where the other chosen ones are taught and then close the school. Problem solved.

And her name is…………………………………………………………………..

Now, this may be a shock for some of you. I advise you to gird your loins, because this fic has taken a turn for the predictable.

Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”

Oh, big surprise, the Mary-Sue is special. Next, they’ll be telling us that boiling water hurts, that you shouldn’t swallow chewing gum, or that birds fly.

Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped.

“Me? I’m the chosen one? The one person who can save the world? Wow. They must really be desperate.”

Now, I’ve got something to confess. I’m not averse to the author insertion character when done well. To an extent, most main characters are an extension of the author, because it’s their story.

Hell, I have an author insertion character. His name is Captain Amazing, and I invented him to fit into the many random scenarios that pop into my head. A Demonic Chicken brought into this world by accident? Say hello to Captain Amazing! The Deus Ex Machina device has been stolen? Captain Amazing to the rescue! A romp through a poorly realised school and its goffik students? You get the idea.

Thing is though, many don’t do it well, and that is when the author insertion character becomes a Mary-Sue. As an example, Herrick’s story of choice is abundant with Mary-Sueisms.

Basically, the Mary-Sue is perfection incarnate. She is loved by everyone around her, except for the bad guys or people that she finds distasteful. She has no flaws, to speak of, except she may not be able to do certain silly little things. For instance, she can bake a serviceable apple pie, but not a perfect one. Obviously, this is cause for much drama and distress. And last on this list, but certainly not the last symptom, everyone falls in love with her as soon as they see her. Ebony tick all of these boxes and then some.

Basically, the Mary-Sue is something to be avoided. However well you write your story, if you have a Mary-Sue, you have automatically failed. It’s as simple as that. Sorry for the length and lack of funny in this mini rant: I just thought that it was something that needed to be addressed. Thank You.