Chapter 19

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11

I don’t even know where to begin. Jealous? Of this putrid pile of offal? Apart from Ebony, is there even one person who would claim to have written this? I thought not.

frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

I tried translating this to English in babelfish, but I just got a message that said “Never do that again. Ever.”

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All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore.

A dumbelldore is an entrance to a closet where weight training gear is kept.

We were so ****ing ****ed off.

And I still can’t figure out why.

Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

Umm, no. There was no concert in the first place. It was a trap. Voldemort tried to kill you. Remember?

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut clbumes.

Has Ebony learnt anything at all during her stay at Hogwarts? Right now, it’s looking unlikely.

Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty

Did I just hear a hat drop?

(rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

That’s what they all say, but they still go for the bad ones.

“No one ****ing understands me!1”

Maybe because you bear no resemblance to a real human being whatsoever.

he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes

Believe it or not, that’s not a typo. However, we will never hear from this black hare again.

like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)

You’d just spam my E-mail address with tubgirl.

“Accuse me? What about me!” I growled.

True, no one understands you either.

“Buy-but-but-” he grunted.

“You ****ing bastard!” I moaned.

“No! Wait! It’s not what it ****ing looks like!” he shouted.

“I’m naked for you! Honest! This sheep being here is just a coincidence!

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door.

…I’m not touching this one.

I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces

On this very special episode of ‘freaks’, we meet Ebony, the girl with an arse for a face.

like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois

“Bloody tears are sooo edgy! I must use them in my story at every possible time!”

(raven that is soo our video!). I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

Those are two completely different vices. If you’re going to reference drug culture, at least learn your crack from your heroin.

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

“You gave me a ****ing shock!” I shouted angrily dropping my pot. “Wtf do you fink you’re doing in da gurl’s room?”

“It’s so that you and I can be alone. I’d like you to meet my friend Mr. Sparkles. He may only be a machete, but he’s going to get to know you… intimately.”

Only it wasn’t just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

“Hey I need to ask you a question.” he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse.

“What are u wearing to the concert?”

Proof, If ever proof was needed, that Ebony has no ****ing idea what she’s talking about.

“U no who MCR r!” I gasped.

I’d be more concerned that you’re alone in the girls’ bathroom with a creepy old man sporting a purse.

“No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2.” He said. “Anyway Draco has a surprise for u.”

“He’s bought you a cow. The surprise being, he’s going to force feed you its juicy, juicy rump.” If you have any idea what I’m going on about, you’ve been reading this for far, far to long.

Seeing as that was a short chapter, I may as well go on to show your chapter 20. You can thank me later.

Chapter 20

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

Bashing your head on the keyboard won’t help to get your point across.

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All day I wondered what the surprise was. Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots.

Yet you still manage to look like an idiot.

MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one.

Don’t you just love retcons?

I slit my wrists while I moshed

Ah. Yes. It appears that I have an apology to make. You see, it turns out mosh is actually a real word. A word that make no sense in or out of context and is rejected by my spelling checker, but still. This story still sucks though.

2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes

Open your horizons a little! I used to wear only black, and I felt miserable and depressed all the time. Now, I still fell miserable and depressed, but I’m slightly more colourful. And that’s the only thing that really matters, Right?

and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom. I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly

Ebony, patron saint of goffs and terrible fanfiction.

I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

Sorry, patron saint of goffs, terrible fanfiction and ****s.

“Wut de ****ing hell r u doing!”

Imagine this spoken in a Jamaican accent. Now scold yourself, because you’re being terribly racist.

I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! “R u gonna great times enjoy me or what.”

This is what we in the sane world call ‘asking for it’.

I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

Then remove them from school grounds, you bunch of morons. Worst. School. EVER.

“No, actshelly (geddit, hell)

You’re really grasping at straws now, aren’t you?

kan I plz burrow sum condemns.” he growld angrily.

Can you borrow some condemnations? What for? The enjoy of canon? The spelling? The grammar? The swearing? The under-age sex? The gay sex? The paedophilia? The cannibalism? Or maybe even the general sense of hatred for the readers that runs through the story? Nope, you seem pretty clean to me. Hang on a minute, I’m not sure that’s what Lupin means.

…

…

…What. She’s going somewhere with this, I know it. And what’s Lupin doing asking for condoms from a 17 year old girl? I guess news of her exploits have travelled fast.

“Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?” I shouted sarkastikally.

That’s not sarcasm. That’s just malice.

“Fuker.” He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation.

WE DON’T CARE! SHUT UP!

Then I went. Den I gasped…………………………………………………………….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1

Oh God. Tell me she didn’t… Tell me she just didn’t describe Snape and Lupin getting to know each other biblically…

And the house elf…

Oh God the house elf….

:sob:

:choke:

:sniff:

..Okay. I’m better now. First off, why are Snape and Lupin, two characters who, need I remind you, detest each other, doing… filthy things? And even then, why are they exploring each others anal cavities where anyone could just stumble upon them? I think it’s safe to say that this moment is going to translate to heavy psychiatric bills for the parents of whoever has the misfortune to witness this depraved act. And finally, why is Dobby’s sole role in this story perving on the two dirty old men? I swear, Ebony is one sick, sick puppy.

“Oh my god you ludacris idiot!” they both shooted angrily when they saw me.

I have to say, the tactic of hiding in plain sight doesn’t quite work in situations like this.

Dobby ran away crying.

“Why is the mistress forcing me to do these things? Have I displeased her? WHAT IS DOBBY DOING WRONG?”

Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it)

Now, I’m going to pose a serious question here. Do any of you reading this find a male reproductive organ attractive? Or a male bum? In other words, do your find Goatse genuinely sexy? If so, then you need some serious help.

but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)

[i]Heaven forbid a dark imposing, figure be housed in slytherin. That just would not do.[i]

“WTF is that why u wanted condoms?”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say yes. Yes, it was what they wanted condoms for.

I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

Well done, have a gold star. No, don’t eat it! Take that out of your mouth RIGHT NOW!

“Only you wouldn’t give them to me!” Lumpkin shouted angrily.

The condoms can’t have mattered that much, otherwise he wouldn’t have invaded Lupin’s chocolate starfish. Unless he sees HIV as a minor inconvenience.

“Well you shoulda told me.” I replayed.

“Oh hey Ebony, I’m going to bugger Lupin. Want to help me do it?”

“You dimwit!.” Snake began 2 shoot angrily.

Is there ever any way to shoot?

And then………I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

And since it’s a magical camera, Snape and Lupin can actually move! If we’re lucky, maybe we’ll see them make out again! Or maybe, just maybe, they’ll leave the picture, never to be seen again, thereby rendering the photo useless as blackmail material. You really should think out your evil schemes more thoroughly, Ebony.

“Well xcuse me!” they both shouted angrily. “What was dat al about?”

Are you telling me that they have no idea what a vengeful young lady with nudie photographs can accomplish? It’s kind of like that time when I danced to ‘YMCA’ and my friends put the resulting video on the internet.

“It wuz to blackmail u.” I snarked. “So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I’ll show dis to Dumbledork.

The images this name conjures… Priceless. “So Harry, which do you think is better, Battlestar Galactica or Deep Space Nine? Very well. Bet always remember this: Han shot first.”

So **** off, u bastards!” I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it.

“Argh! A flying limb! Those were outlawed by the wizard convention of 1967!”

Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely ****ing hot.

“WTF where’d Draco?” I asked him.

Where’s Draco? Where’s Draco? There’s Draco! He was trying to escape to a better fanfiction! Naughty Draco!

“Oh he’s bein a ****ing bastard. He told me he wouldn’t great times.”

The words ‘wouldn’t’, ‘touch’ and ‘barge pole’ come to mind.

Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna great times with me? 2 the concert?”

See above.

Then….. he showed me his flying car.

Unintentional innuendo is always the best kind.

I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather

“Geddit? Dogfather! Cause Sirius is an dog! LOL im soo clever!”

Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it.

……….I gasped.

“I should be angry with you right now, but I can’t spell my own name either. Let’s make out LOL!”

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

…With themselves. See? I’m not averse to the occasional dirty joke now and then.

Vampire and I began 2 make out,

Now there’s a plot twist I bet you saw coming from a mile off.

moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

Let me guess. “I almost had an orgasim.”

I almost had an orgasim.

Bingo.

Gerard was so ****ing hot!

Honestly, would it be that hard to write an original piece of prose? Cpoying what you’ve already written is a no-no, unless it adds to the effect of the scene. Here, I think we can agree that it doesn’t.

He begin 2 sing ‘Helena’ and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall.

“OOOOooOOhhHHHHRGGHhGhhHHH!”

……….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner.

“Nobody likes me,

Everybody hates me,

Just cause I eat worms.”

So, chapter 20 is done. I would celebrate, but that’s like throwing a party when you learn someone you never knew or talked to has cancer. And then they seemingly die, but it turns out they didn’t and it was all some horrible practical joke with no punch line, and then they proceeded to laugh at you and everyone else who was mildly saddened by the news. bumhole.