My dad hates me. Every time he catches me masturbating he says something lame like “I put an NSFW warning on your door because, well, this activity isn’t,” or “That asparagus is on the wrong shelf. Moving to the Vegetable Drawer.”

My mom only has time for me when she’s not off screwing some Phillip or sucking some Flat head. And dad lets her, which is just disgusting.

I’d end my miserable life, but I’m too damn good-looking for that. I’d slash myself, but I’m made of 100% pure steel so when I tried, I just wound up creating a spark which ignited the house and almost burnt it down. And then dad said, “Burning down the house is a bannable offense. Don’t do it again. You’ve been warned.”

The things I put up with. No other teen has problems like mine.

At least I get all the hot babes. Damn I’m one handsome devil!