Janie, I have heard the rumours, and it sounds like I am too late. Now, I know we see things differently, but I’ll try to take your perspective here. You saw Monkey, my boss writhe in pain and say some puzzling things, then lay an egg? And from this egg was hatched a… a… some sort of demonic cross between a monkey and a basilisk male reproductive organatrice?

If true, this is very frightening indeed. However, I cannot help but contemplate more… scientific explanations.

For example, did Monkey get hold of the herbs you had set out for him? If so, he may have eaten too much hyssop and gone into convulsions. We know from experience that Monkey’s metabolism is not strong against intoxicants. And if he is suffering any sort of post-traumatic stress — say, as a result of his accidental overdose the other day, combined with the troubling news of a serial killer hanging around — he might have had some kind of psychotic rift or something.

If you do see this “Monkatrice,” please find a way to administer this. It’s a medicine made from the alkaloid alstonine, extracted from the bark of alstonia constricta, a.k.a. feverbark. The antipsychotic properties of alstonine are only now being investigated by western medicine, but Alstonia Constricta bark has been used for centuries by the people of Nigeria as a treatment for mental illness.

If my theory is correct, a good strong dose of this extract should turn this “Monkatrice” back into our dear Monkey.

To administer the drug treatment, please consider using these tranquilizer darts. They can be fired at the subject using this dart gun.

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Please, Janie, be safe.