After the stunning revelation that Lupin, Snape and Hagrid are paedophiles, how will Ebony shock us this time? Maybe Draco isn’t dead? Maybe an important object hitherto unmentioned will appear? Maybe Ebony and vampire will have brief, unfulfilling sex? We can but read on, and stare into the unknown depravities of chapter 12.

Chapter 12

N: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!

Here, Ebony tries to make herself out to be some kind of twisted goffik version of sesame street. Stay away form teachers kids! They will try to enjoy you!

how du u no snap iant kristian

I’ve already addressed this. Snape can’t be a Christian because he is also a practitioner of the dark arts. Surprisingly, the two are mutually excusive. Also, he was spying on you while you were naked, therefore giving in to the sin of lust. In Christianity, this is only okay if you’re a catholic priest, and the object of your perverted attention is a small boy.

plus hargrid isn’t really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

So Hagrid is a paedophile because he professed his love to Ebony, yet Hagrid is actually Cedric, so Hagrid isn’t a paedophile. You can’t make this stuff up folks. Well, Ebony can, but I like to think she is not a eligible representative of the human race on the account that she’s a retard.

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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him.

When was this? Why weren’t we informed? How could Draco afford a silver knife? Why is this written in bold? Why am I wasting my breath?

He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy

Why bother when you have the ‘gun with a bazillion bullets?’

but I knew that we must both go together.

I’d like to believe this is true, but there are 32 chapters left. This means that Ebony won’t die any time soon. Pity.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid

This sentence was so bizarre that I thought it deserved a mention, yet I can’t think of anything to say. I must be losing my touch. Caps lock abuse? Maybe?

but it was Vampire. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!”

The scar hasn’t been mentioned thus far. You can just tell that Ebony is going to do something ridiculous to it. Seeing as Ebony has a great big stiffy for Satan, maybe it’s been turned into a pentagram?

and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

If you said ‘you could only see his bloodshot whites’ you’d sound like less of an idiot. Not that this would help you at this point.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

How did he know what? That Draco has been killed? Maybe it’s due to the fact that Dumbledore announced it to the school. It’s a secret to everyone, if you will.

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!”

Here it comes…

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

Wait for it…

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.”

Bingo! I must be psychic! To further bolster this claim, look back to chapter 5, where I said: “Professor Snape lurves the underage bonking.” What was revealed last chapter? That Professor Snape is a paedophile! Who called it? I did! Actually, the fact I can seemingly predict the future of terrible fanfictions is incredibly harrowing. Let us hope this ability never appears again.

he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me!

No.

then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Voldemorts S&M schoolboys Volume 12.

Anyway I was in the school nurse’s office now recovering from my slit wrists.

You didn’t actually slit them. Remember? Oh wait. Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID

“I like to emphasize the fact that I can’t spell!”

were there too. They were going to St. Mango’s after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those ****ing pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

Like you? Don’t make me laugh. They were only filming you so that they could make the next viral hit: ‘One girl and no cup, but boy is she ugly.’

Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.

So he ate it and can’t push it out? Nasty. I can’t help but feel that it’s my imagination that’s going to cause me the most pain with this fic.

I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

“Oh. I thought you’d be comatose. I was gonna… You know. Have you ever seen ‘End of Evangelion?’ You haven’t? never mind.”

“Enoby I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Ebony, you are pregnant with my child. Surprise!”

“**** off.” I told him. “You know I ****ing hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like ****ed up preps like you.”

Spit in the face of kindness, why don’t you. Sure, he may be a creepy man child who is desperately in love with you, but roses smell nice! That’s got to count for something, right?

I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

Is this a common occurrence? Everyone hating you? I think I may know why.

“No Enoby.” Hargrid says. “Those are not roses.”

“They’re actually cardamoms.”

“What, are they goffs too you poser prep?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

Be grateful. What were you expecting, black roses decorated with miniature skulls? Don’t hold your breath.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin.”

‘****’ is okay but ‘porn’ isn’t? Every time I think I’ve got you worked out you just run in another direction.

Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)

Surprisingly, no. This goes against all I have been taught to believe in.

to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. “These aren’t roses.”

Get to the point already.

He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

This makes no sense. If you must quote something, wait for the right time, or else you’ll just make a fool out of yourself.

“That’s not a spell that’s an MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

Snort.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!”

I don’t know what this means, but I have a better incantation. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! You may have just sang the lyrics to a song, or something, but I just invoked the mighty rage of the dread lord Cthulhu! I cannot wait for the day when he rises to purge the earth of humankind, and, by extension, you. A hammer to crack a nut, perhaps, but this is Ebony we’re talking about. No method is too extreme.

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn’t a prep.

He’s also wearing bondage gear. That should have tipped you off.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?”

I’ve been asking myself the same question since the first day I laid eyes on this horrible excuse for literature. On a side note, I’ve run out of words that mean ‘bad’.

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame.

Watching you, watching me, watching you, watching me, watching you, watching me cry.

“2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)

Weak, at best. You’re just tenuously connecting your myriad of terrible reviews with actual fire. I’m hoping that this was added as an after thought, although since it’s you we’re talking about, I’m guessing you planned it specially.

u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

Cryptic words that mean nothing. Those are often the best kind. When they actually do mean something ‘I hope you packed a jumper’ comes to mean that ‘the Ragnarok is coming.’

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hargrid yelled.

That was uncalled for, though not entirely unexpected.

dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

MOTHERFUKERS!

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don’t know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

La la la not listening la la la.

“You look kawai, girl.”

Oh, **** no. I thought we were safe. We seemed to be safe. But Ebony had to do it. Faux Japanese. The disease of all fanboys/girls and fanfiction writers. I have nothing against the Japanese. I like them, in fact. But I hate it when random words are taken out of their language and supplanted into our own. It just isn’t right.

B’loody Mary said sadly. “Fangs (geddit)

Damn you to hell.

you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

A bizarre and disturbing cycle. What is the point of all this, exactly?

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn’t spy on me this time.

They are currently incarcerated. I doubt they could spy on you even if they wanted to.

I went to some clbumes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.

Must be a pretty large magical creature. Boom boom.

He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

Are there any teachers here? Why are you letting this psychopath kill your students? You’re all terrible, terrible people.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

Oh God no. Oh God.

Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

I’m not a ****, she said. Draco is the only goffik boy for me, she said. I don’t want people seeing me naked in an erotic video, she said. Lies. All lies.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Professor McGoggle

This is more like it. Every thing that professor McGonagall says is pure gold. Much better than awkwardly written pornography.

who was watching us and so was everyone else.

Everyone? Yes. Everyone.

“Vampire you ****er!”

technically speaking, you’re a ****er too.

I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!”

You did encourage it, you filthy whore. I hope for Harry’s sake you used a condom.

I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!”

I’m guessing this is going to be a major theme in ‘My Immortal’.

and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

Ctrl-v is Ebonys friend.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

I’m positive that this was all written at the start of the chapter. This isn’t just bad writing, this is laziness.

“I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco…………….Volfemort has him bondage!”

Shocking, although you’ve already told us this. Was last time meant to be a flash forward? It doesn’t work like that.

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SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

Pbuming the torch, I see. No one could surpbum you, Ebony. No one at all.

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

I don’t really have anything to say. This was a long chapter wasn’t it? Let’s hope the next one is shorter. See you soon.