Back again, for reasons I still cannot fathom. Before we begin, though, let me tell you something about myself. When I was 11 or 12 years old, I wrote a short story for the threshold competition, which at the moment I cannot find any info about online. This story (well, half of it) was one of the few to make it into the book. This means, that at the verge of puberty, I was a published author. Now let’s look at Ebony’s story. Yeah. You’ve got it. I was a better author when I was 12 than Ebony was when she was on the cusp of adulthood. Why they don’t introduce some kind of culling program is still a mystery to me.

Oh yeah, I’ve discovered her real name. It is Tara Gilesbie. The end is nigh for you Tara. I’m also on Google. Search for ‘My Immortal worst fanfiction ever’. I’m the sixth result. And now, what you’ve all been dreading. Chapter 11.

Chapter 11

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111

Is that a promise? You’re going to have to work hard to over throw the stupidity of the first ten chapters.

it delz wit rly sris issus!

I doubt it. To you, a serious issue usually ends with a teacher yelling ‘Motherfuker!’

sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

If I were you Raven, I’d get out of there as soon as I can.

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied!

So Draco killed himself. Seeing as the author lists suicide as one of her favourite things, I guess we should have seen this coming. This still doesn’t explain how Draco actually managed to kill himself, what with him being immune to razors and all.

B’loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her **** off

With friends like Ebony who needs enemies? I have never seen someone react so aggressively to an attempted comforting. Maybe it’s just because I’m not goffik enough.

and I ran to my room crying myself.

“Grammar? GRAMMAR? GRAMMAR!!!”

Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Political correctness gone way too far. If you have to barge into a room to stop someone from, oh I don’t know, KILLING THEMSELVES, then you should be hailed as a hero, not a paedophile.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood

If vampires need blood to survive, why waste that precious commodity on tears? How does the blood find it’s way into the tear ducts? Why don’t vampire bodies contain any water? These questions will never, ever be answered, as Ebony is a ****ty writer.

and then I slit both of my wrists.

So do you die or don’t you? What counts as continuity in this bizarre nightmare land?

They got all over my clothes

“I’m just going to rub my bleeding wrists all over my clothes! What a tremendous idea!”

so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

Thereby destroying you eardrums.

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.

A delicious, if impractical way to commit suicide. Is this is the cow to end Ebony, then that cow did not die in vain.

I was so ****ing depressed!

So am I. For completely different reasons you understand; most of them involve you.

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.

And here I was thinking she had given up describing her strange and nonsensical wardrobe. Way to prove me wrong, Ebony.

I couldn’t ****ing believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me!

He probably just wants to see you kill yourself. I know I do.

And Loopin was masticating to it!

“Mmm, this sandwich… This sandwich is delicious. Seriously man. You… Wait, are you filming a underage girl? Gross, man! Gross!”

They were sitting on their broomsticks.

Sexual innuendo. Aww Yeah.

“EW, YOU ****ING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!”

Didn’t you just describe yourself putting on clothes just a few sentences ago? Are they invisible clothes? Were they imaginary clothes? Are you just dense? I think I know the answer.

I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.

Terrifying. Did you know Marilyn Manson had two pairs of his ribs removed so that he could fellate himself? It’s true. I read it on the internet.

Suddenly Vampire ran in.

So was he listening at the door? That’s all kinds of weird.

“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.

LOL Wut.

I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times

It’s a magic gun with magic bullets. Shocking new evidence reveals that Ebony bumbuminated JFK!

and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

Hilarious mental image there. “Hold me Snape!” “Lupin! Lupin I’m so sorry!” “ARRRGHH!” Comedy gold.

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Should have checked the sex offenders list before you hired them. Now it’s your bum on the line, Dumblydore.

he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

I appear to have lost the ability to talk in speech marks. I think I may be telepathic. This frightens and confuses me.

“What do you know, Hargrid? You’re just a little Hogwarts student!”

My new favourite quote coming up. Wait for it…

“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT….” Hargirid paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”

Hagrid thought of this line this morning and has been waiting patiently for the perfect time to say it. It still doesn’t make any sense though.

“This cannot be.” Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore’s wand had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

2 X 2 X 5 X 5 = lunacy.

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Snape is only divisible by himself or one. This makes him a prime number. I stopped caring about common sense long, long ago.You would too, if you were reviewing this garbage.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

SHOCK! HORROR! BIG WORDS!

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

I don’t know on account of the fact I’m not a cannibal. Stop bumuming all the readers are as weird as you are.

“Why are you doing this?” Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

“Because you were jerking of to a 17 year old girl. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

Ebony isn’t even trying to make sense any more. Onward, magical banana monkey! Together we will conquer the mushroom kingdom! Huzzah!

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

Hagrid, in bondage gear, swaying, singing goffic 50 cent. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the stuff of nightmares.

“Because you’re goffic?” Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

Hagrid just yelled out at the top of his lungs that he was a Satanist. I think we can safely bumume that he sacrifices goats on a regular basis.

“Because I LOVE HER!”

Good God. This could not get any creepier. I thought Hagrid was one of the good guys? Ugh. I literally have nothing else to say. Just ugh. Later guys.