You want my newsletter? If I sent out a newsletter, I’d need a post office address. And then they could track me! Don’t you read? Oh wait, you probably can’t. So have some read this to you:

The post office was invented by Ben Franklin, who was smart enough to not become president. He slept with lots of women, including probably your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother. Ben Franklin also invented the global positioning satellites, only he didn’t have the equipment to build them. So he planted the plans with his gardener, and my neighbor’s gardener is a direct descendant, so you know this **** is the TRUTH!

If you register a postal address, then the government can always — ALWAYS — find you, because they can lock in on you with their spy satellites when you move in and then they don’t let go. That’s why I live — oops, almost slipped there. Nice try, fukwad, but you don’t get my secrets that easily!