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Cheins Sanchez Posted:

My ten year old nephew is very uncomfortable with anal sex. What can I do to help him enjoy it?

Hmm…that is a very difficult question to answer, but I believe there are online resources that can help you. Click here to learn more : http://www.iamapedophilesgreat timesbagpleasearrestme.com and http://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx

FAIL Posted:

Dear Doctor,

Why did you not send me mammary glands on my birthday?! I clicked your dragons and everything!

Love,

FAIL

Hi again, FAIL. It’s been awhile since you last came to visit me at the office. I hope that ointment I prescribed for you worked, because I never heard back from you either way. I was waiting here for you all day on your birthday, in fact, to deliver your mammary glands to you in person. Perhaps you should schedule an appointment with my receptionist- soon.

Fie Posted:

To Doctor Fingerz:

I **** rainbows. Halp.

I once worked with a fellow, years ago, whose mom was so gay she defecated rainbows, and we relayed that message to him in various ways, verbal, written, entered in as part of customers’ order tickets, you name it. He became so distraught at the thought of his dear mother being fisted by some bulldyke that he locked himself in the boss’ office, with the boss’ keys inside, and ate himself into a diabetic coma.

You might want to try some cranberry juice. If that doesn’t help, find yourself a male lover- you might just have caught yourself a case of “the gay”.

ragingwincesthardon Posted:

I have a question for you Fingerz. I really want to have sex with my cousin! Is this normal behaviour outside the state of Arkansas?

Contrary to popular opinion, Arkansas does not allow for cousins to procreate with one another. However, if you marry your cousin in a state (see below) where cousin marriage is legal, Arkansas might just let you get away with it and remain married once you return to their state.

States where cousin-cousin marriages are a-okay: Alaska, Alabama, California, Colorado, Connecticut(I live here holy crap), Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Maryland, Mbumachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Washington D.C., and Shelbyville. Ya know, for all the jokes about the South being the home of family member-on-family member sex… pretty much all of the hippie/liberal states are on this list… and the majority of the redneckiest states aren’t. So ruminate on that.

Fingerz Posted:

Dear Frightened and Furry, aka Shii (we all know who you are because your name and avatar are displayed for all to see to the left of your post),

I know what you mean, obsessing over and thinking you might in fact be, an animal other than human. I find myself portraying a sloth in every part of my life. I’m very slow and enjoy hanging out in trees. It’s like I’m a sloth… trapped in a human’s body. I’ve considered moving into the woods for a week and trying to play the role of a sloth. Maybe then I will feel like I belong with other sloths just like myself. Take heart, Shii- YOU’RE NOT ALONE!

You’ve inspired me to pursue oneness with my animal self as well, Doctor. As of now, I’m packing up some of my possessions and moving to the Alaskan wilderness.

Thanks for everything!