SuperMonkeyMan Posted:

Is this your rough draft or your final?

its really my first draft. i finished it on the bus to my clbum the day it was due. w00t

give me a ****ing break, this isnt a creative writing forum. i’m just pleased with myself for finishing my first real short story since i was in 5th grade.

your mum is wonderful

SuperMonkeyMan Posted:

To be honest, your story is terrible. It’s horribly cliche; the dialogue is terrible and the characters are incredibly flat. Dave’s development is clumsy and ineffective, and at times his actions are unbelievable and inappropriate.

Sorry, but it is the truth. The story shows the lack of effort on your part. If I was your English teacher, I’d give you a C. For a writing clbum, I’d give this a D.

lol

if i was a teacher,...

deMonSPaWN Posted:

SuperMonkeyMan Posted:

If I was your English teacher, I’d give you a C.

If you were his English teacher that would be the least of his worries.

BoP I would like the ending to be slightly less preachy. The message is already clear—presented less forcefully it wins more style points.

Furthermore, from skimming over your first drafts, I got the feeling that this story was far from being complete. I mean, those two parts you posted would have made a serviceable introduction to a longer story (perhaps a novel) had you tweaked things a bit, but you need to add more to this story. Still, it’s not as bad as SuperMonkeyMan puts it, hehe. Log in to see images! xXxJUNEGUY1xXx edited this message on 11/06/2008 2:10AM